One Day at a Time

The Civilized World - A Review

2011-05-11T10:17:00.002-06:00

Henry Holt is proud to present the stunning literary debut from Susi Wyss: The Civilized World. Set in Africa, the novel follows five women as their lives intertwine in surprising and even explosives ways.

When Adjoa leaves Ghana to find work in the Ivory Coast, she hopes that one day she'll return home to open a beauty parlor. Her dream comes true, though not before she suffers a devastating loss—one that will haunt her for years, and one that also deeply affects Janice, an American aid worker who no longer feels she has a place to call home. But the bustling Precious Brother Salon is not just the "cleanest, friendliest, and most welcoming in the city." It's also where locals catch up on their gossip; where Comfort, an imperious busybody, can complain about her American daughter-in-law, Linda; and where Adjoa can get a fresh start on life—or so she thinks, until Janice moves to Ghana and unexpectedly stumbles upon the salon.

The Civilized World is a deeply moving novel that “beautifully and effortlessly captures the essence of human connection” (Library Journal).

What did I think? I like reading books about women who live in different cultures and settings than I do. Some of my more favorite reads over the last little while have been exactly that. This is no exception as it takes place mainly in Africa and is about women who want essentially the same things as I do, but get these things in different ways. I really liked the characters and found myself thinking about the story after I'd finished reading it - a sure sign of a good read or was it that the author was a little vague in places? She hinted at something meaningful that I didn't always quite catch, which may say something about my own literary prowess or a lack of details, I'm not quite sure which one.

At any rate, I enjoyed reading this book and had no issue finishing it quickly. The well developed characters were a joy go get to know. And this story, which focused on women's lives and not just about romance and getting the man, was refreshing and interesting.

Thanks to Henry Holt for sending me a copy of this book in exchange for an impartial review.

In retrospect...

2011-05-09T17:38:00.000-06:00

Dear self from January 2011,

Hello self. I'm just taking a minute to drop you a line from 5 months in the future. I thought you might want to know that life is going to get a wee bit complicated after you register for those classes you're about to register for. And I know that you realize how busy it's going to be with your kids and school, BUT there's one piece of information that you do not know... and that is that Finleigh will be diagnosed with Autism in February.

I know that doesn't seem like such a big deal, but little do you know the emotional, mental and time suck this is all going to be. I mean seriously - there is so much that comes with this diagnosis. And then, when you have the time (well sorta if you count sneaking in time between child care necessities like feeding your children) which is definitely less that you have right now, in January, your mind is going to be a total soggy mess and you will end up wandering around the house, knowing that you have homework to do, but unable to concentrate on it enough to even make a respectable attempt at it. And if you do get to making that attempt, you realize that you will just end up writing total run on sentences like the one I just constructed. The you of the future that has that soggy mess of a brain.

Don't worry, the future you will finish these stupid courses (if it kills us). It WILL get done. But, consider yourself warned... expect to feel VERY overwhelmed going into the second week of May.

The good news, however, is that you'll have gotten some great visiting time in with some very important people in your life. And we both know that we value all those relationships more that these little freshman classes that if you didn't care about doing well in you could finish real quickly and still pass. But we both know that's not gonna happen. We have our pride. And our perfectionism. Yup.

Your loving future self,
Amanda

P.S. Would you stop filling your face, already?!?!?!?! You are going to gain so much weight between then and now and if you would just stop, it would make our life a little more enjoyable now. In May. That's my now, not yours. Thanks.

Kindergarten Open House

2011-04-30T09:08:00.001-06:00

We got to see our new school (for next year) yesterday. I felt a little anxious going in, just like I do every time I go into a new situation. But I was excited too. We were taking Finleigh to the kindergarten open house, where they cancel regular classes for the current kindergartners and let the kids for next year come check it out. They have little activities for the kids to do and it's a good chance for the parents to chat with the teacher and ask any questions they may have.

I was expecting to go in and not really know anyone... but that didn't seem to be the case. In fact, we were quite well known.

The vice principal thought we looked familiar as we walked in and he welcomed us. And since he and I went to the same high school (he was older and WAY cooler than me), why yes, I was familiar.

The kindergarten teacher (who may or may not be there next year) worked at our school the year before and is good friends with Finn's current teacher so we didn't even really need to introduce ourselves. "Hi Finleigh!" we heard as we walked into the classroom. I didn't even have to explain that Finleigh doesn't talk or why my very little child who looks 3 and doesn't talk was going to be going to kindergarten next year.

One of the educational assistants that is in the classroom is good friends with my mom. They used to nurse together way back when I was a little girl when we lived in BC. She even babysat me once or twice. We chatted about my mom's renos, her kids and how much Finn looks like I did.

It felt strange to go to the secretaries afterwards and hand in our registration forms. I couldn't make small talk or chat like I usually do at our current school. I'll miss that easy exchange, but I'm sure that'll come with time.

Finally, we met up with the CST (classroom support teacher, who will be in charge of making sure my special needs kids get what they need for their special learning needs) and she was expecting us. Our current CST has told her about us. We only had a couple seconds to chat, but the introductions have been made.

The set-up is different. The people are different. But the goal will be the same... to help my children succeed. I'm looking forward to it. Even if there is an anaphylactic allergy to cinnamon there. That's right. No cinnamon next year. Or fish. Or nuts. I can't imagine life without cinnamon, but I digress. We can live without it at school. At least the commute will be easier... we're just a couple minute's drive away.

So, that's good. Right? Our minor celebrity (add dripping sarcasm here)? But really, there IS something about Finleigh...

Hopefully it'll make the transition fairly easy for next year.

Pretty

2011-04-26T09:55:00.000-06:00

Oh to be a little girl, barefoot, in her pretty Easter dress.

I'm linking this to 5 Minutes for Mom's Easter Post Link Up. Go here for more Eastery posts.

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like... Easter?

2011-04-25T11:05:00.000-06:00

We woke up to snow this year on Easter. By the middle of the morning, there was a light layer of white over the entire yard and I found myself humming Christmas carols instead of whatever you're supposed to hum on Easter.

I suppose it didn't help that Finleigh was playing Christmas carols on my Ipod.

But even still. It did not feel like Easter.

Luckily, by mid-afternoon the sun came out and the new snow melted, leaving us with the few piles that are stubbornly refusing to melt.

We enjoyed our new yard in the afternoon. We've never really had a yard before - not one that was bigger than a postage stamp anyways. So, as I lied out on our trampoline soaking up the sun, I whispered a quick prayer of thanks for the little piece of outside that we now have all to ourselves.

I'm looking forward to lots of times in our yard this summer... if it ever comes.

April: the month of travel

2011-04-25T10:32:00.001-06:00

Easter is done and soon we will say goodbye April. Hopefully with April we will also and FINALLY say goodbye to the snow. April's been a busy month for me as I've travelled around the country. First was my empowering and refreshing trip alone to visit friends.

Then last Friday (during the kid's spring break), the kids and I joined my mom, sister and baby and took the long trip down to visit my recently widowed grandma and all the extended family that lives near her while our husbands stayed home and worked. We don't get down there nearly as much as I'd like because it's a two day drive to get there, but oh how I love visiting my Saskachewan family. We spent some good time with Grandma and visited my aunts and uncles' farms. We got to see (and feed) some brand new calves. I liked that. Finleigh liked that. The boys hated it. Will spent the entire time covering his nose. Oh what city boys I am raising. Then at the other farm, Nate played with their new dog and my cousin let Will and Nate drive their ATV. All. By. Themselves. Best day of Will's life. He had so much fun!

And now I'm home and realizing just how much I've neglected around here. And did I mention that this week was exhausting? Yes, I'm exhausted and had a miserable time dragging my sorry butt out of bed this morning.

What to do first? That's what I want to know. What should I do first? And what won't I get done? That's the better question.

Will starts swimming lessons this week - this is his 3rd attempt at this level. Hopefully he'll pass this time. Finn gets her speech device this week and we'll start her 1 month trial on it. Will has a dental appointment. I have meetings. It's almost midterm time with my classes... so lots of assignments due in the next 2 weeks. Some I can put off. Some I can't. And we have company coming on Sunday and our house is in a bit of a shambles. I'm a bit anal when it comes to having company and wanting things clean and neat. I'm afraid my mother-in-law just may see my dirty fridge and our kids messy rooms at this rate. (She'll still love me, I know, and doesn't care if my house is spotless, but I would really like it to be.)

And that, my friends, is what I'm looking forward to this week. So, I'll stop procrastinating now and get down to being productive.

Okay, maybe I'll procrastinate a little bit more first.

Slam Dunk!

2011-04-15T16:54:00.001-06:00

I guess its not really cheating if you're not playing against anyone...

Right?

Defiant Joy: The Remarkable Life & Impact of G.K. Chesterton by Kevin Belmonte - A Review

2011-04-14T14:23:00.001-06:00

In Defiant Joy: The Remarkable Life & Impact of G.K. Chesterton, Kevin Belmonte explores Chesterton's works and analyses the impact they had in England and North America. Chesterton wrote poetry, fiction, literary critics, essays and theology. He is a celebrated, Catholic author who did his part to inject some optimism and focus on God during the early 20th century, which according to this book was a pessimistic age. His works are still read and useful for today's reader.

I will admit that I'm not particularly well read. Owing in part to my Protestant background, I've never read anything by Chesterton, but after reading this book, I hope to take the time to dig into some of his works in the future. This book was interesting to read and left me wishing that I'd read Chesterton's work before. This book was a good overview (in my limited knowledge) of Chesterton's work and it did an excellent job of explaining how this man did his part to change the world. With no knowledge going in, I feel that I now know a good deal about Chesterton and his work.

I received this book from BookSneeze in exchange for an impartial review.

Look where I went!

2011-04-13T12:29:00.000-06:00

That's right... I went to see my good friend Tara. And Doug too. I went to see Doug, Tara's husband too. And their kids. Of course I wanted to see their kids too.

The thing about Doug and Tara is that they knew me and my husband in college before we had kids. And now, they have kids the same age and deal with Autism too. I think that's a rare combination. It's just really a lot to have in common.

Besides, they're pretty cool and we love them.

And if there's one thing that this trip has taught me, (besides reminding me that I am perfectly capable of doing things that seem intimidating like driving by myself on a strange highway) it's that there's nothing like a plane ride to remind you of how much weight you really have gained.

Gah.

Autism Awareness

2011-04-02T19:13:00.000-06:00

Today is World Autism Awareness Day. I've been following several blogs and Facebook pages about Autism. Everyone is sharing about what Autism is for them. From what I'm reading, the push is for more than just awareness, but understanding and even more importantly: acceptance. I can jive with that. There is nothing that a parent wants more for a child that doesn't quite fit into the norm than to be understood and accepted. To be helped along the way and loved. That acceptance can be a hard thing sometimes to give to your own child, let alone someone else's so I gratefully accept the help I do get with my children.

I don't feel particularly qualified to speak on Autism because although I've been a parent for eight years, we've only had the ASD label for 6 weeks. I was perhaps a little more aware of what Autism was than I might have been because our friends were already living with it. So, when our 4 year old was finally diagnosed just after her birthday, I wasn't particularly surprised. When talk of my eight year old being on the spectrum started, I initially dismissed it but it makes sense. We're still waiting for an official diagnosis, but I suspect it will come soon.

Autism is a spectrum and it shows up in many, many different ways. My kids are not at first glance what many people think of as Autism. They show great amounts of affection. They don't typically avoid eye contact... or at least not mine... I suppose they do some. They don't flap their hands. We can hide it if they're in a really good mood and if they're in a bad mood, we just look like bad, out of control parents. But that - besides their blond hair and stubborn personality is about where my kids' similarities end.

Miss Finn, our 4 year old can't yet speak. Not well enough to express herself very well, anyways. We are waiting anxiously for her speech device to come at the end of the month, hoping beyond hope that it will make the difference we think it will. She struggles to contain her emotions. She rarely plays with toys. She's developmentally behind in pretty much every way. She was tubefed as a baby. She seeks out small, confined spaces to calm herself. She hits herself when she's mad. Bites herself. Bangs her head. Screams. But she's gorgeous and adorable. And we love her, as does everyone else that meets her, it seems. She has an uncanny way of sensing when a person is hurting inside and finds a way to comfort them. I'm not sure how she knows, but she really seems to. It's a skill I hope she doesn't lose as she picks up the more mainstream skills that we all think she needs. We never know what will set her off, but tantrums have become an everyday part of life.

Will, on the other hand, hit most of his milestones on time and even some - like reading - a little early. As a toddler, he played differently than the average kid and is just now learning how to pretend play. Will struggles with friendships, in fact he would tell you that he has no friends at all. None, despite the school's repeated attempts at facilitating them. He doesn't always handle his emotions like an 8 year old probably should. He often seeks sensory input and struggles with anxiety and perhaps, at times, a bit of depression. He seems scatterbrained and hates doing many of those simplest everyday tasks, but he's very, very smart. Gifted smart, even. He's predictable. He likes routine. I know how he's going to react in almost every situation. Several people have suggested he has Asperger's, including the school psychologist... we should know soon either way if he fits... but the latest screening test suggested that he probably does.

What must it be like to be Nate, our middle and neuro-typical child? He's a clever, happy kid with lots of friends, but we worry sometimes that he's getting lost in the shuffle. How do you give him what he needs when his siblings demand so much more than he does? We do our best to love each child the same, but their needs vary so greatly that it's often difficult - or even impossible- to be fair.

And that is what Autism looks like for us. We're still learning what it all means in our family and are not sure what it will look like in the future. We hope it means three independent, productive adults, but only time will tell. If not, that's okay too. We'll learn to make it work. In the end, the label is less important to us than one might expect because although it explains certain behaviors, our kids are still our kids and no name or label or disorder will ever change that.

It's coming!

2011-03-25T13:22:00.000-06:00

Spring is coming... here's how I know:

The snow is easy to clear from the driveway.

And we don't really need our winter jackets anymore.

In fact, my daughter seems to think it's short sleeve weather.

Oh spring... hurry please! We can't wait for you to come.

Passport Through Darkness - A Review

2011-03-20T09:19:00.001-06:00

Kimberly Smith was an average American churchgoer, wife, and mother—until she dared to ask God His dreams for her life. Traveling around the world and deep in to the darkness of her own heart, Kimberly’s worst fears collided with her faith as she and her family discovered the atrocities of human trafficking. But it was in that broken place that a self-centered life was transformed into an intentional effort to save thousands from modern-day slavery, persecution, disease, and genocide.

Through painful trials, serious errors, and gut-wrenching fear, Kimberly reminds us of what God will do when one person puts her life on the line for His purpose. Along the way, she inspires you to discover your own story—to live your purpose and feel God’s pleasure. Here you will find courage to live the life God dreamed of when he first dreamed you.

Kimberly Smith shares her journey of writing Passport Through Darkness

The journey into my own soul was scariest and hardest thing I’ve ever done. Yes, even more challenging than building an orphanage in the war-zone of Darfur, nearly 2,000 miles away from our nearest supply chain in Nairobi, Kenya. My world was rocked not so much by the darkness I had to pass through, but by the beauty I found buried within.

Finding that beauty---glimpses of what God dreamed of for me---changed everything dear to me, but most profoundly my marriage.

I had walked through hell in Sudan to listen to others’ stories, and comfort them with mercy and compassion. But, when it came to my own pain, somehow shame got mixed in there, choking out the truth and driving me to sin and darkness. I couldn’t seem to hear the same God of comfort I heard for others. Fear of being found unlovable, unworthy, plain old “Un,” drove me to lock entire parts of myself away from even those I loved the most.

The woman who defied boundaries—flying straight into war zones—had constructed her own no-go zones within, where even she wouldn’t dare to go. And she hurt anyone who dared to breach the heavily-armed border.

I’d heard Believers referred to as “soldiers” the whole of my Christian life. I just never thought much about it personally…until I realized a battalion of troops had been sent out looking for me. They literally fought to save my life. And while it might sound strange—coming from a woman whose life is supposedly about saving lives—their pushing me to share my story inPassport through Darkness is what ultimately saved mine. My heart had been broken for the men, women, and children I’d met in Sudan who’d survived trafficking, rape, persecution, and genocide. I felt angry on their behalf that greed, corruption, and oppression stamped out their voice so I wanted to be their voice by writing their stories. That’s what first set my fingers to the keyboard—to make a place for their story, to honor their suffering, to show their dignity in the midst of it all.

But as I wrote, the cloak of their darkness wrapped itself around me so tightly I often felt paralyzed. There were days and long period of times when I couldn’t separate their pain and shame from my own. I knew much of my stuckness came from the shame that bound me. But still I hunkered down, hiding.

I thought I could control how much I would let others see. I would tell the stories I heard and witnessed, but not my own—especially not my sin. Maybe I even thought somehow I could serve some sort of penance by being the voice for the voiceless, and never have to hear my own, or even remember its sound.

I was wrong. Diving into the darkness of others awakened my own, and each day as I wrote their stories, I found myself coming more undone. I felt out of control. Falling apart. And, desperate for help.

That’s the state I was in when the troops found me: undone. First on the scene was my precious husband, Milton, standing ready. He’d been waiting for years for the walls to collapse so he could finally enter the places I’d shut off from him. God used Milton—and others—to listen, love, guide, confront, press, and hold me until one word, one tear, one memory, one confession at a time my story unfolded like morning glories opening to the rising sun after a long night of darkness. Through the telling I found parts of myself I’d pushed so deep into the darkness that even I didn’t know they existed.

Ultimately, I knew it was not just the stories of modern-day slaves to human traffickers I must tell, but my own story of slavery to fear, shame, and sin—and how God has delivered me, and is delivering me.

I have two prayers for Passport through Darkness. First, that it helps us to save more babies from genocide and slavery. Second, that it helps others to understand God has a unique dream for each and everyone one of us, and He will even descend into the depths of our self-made hell and carry us out to find and live it.

If it’s true that all we Believers are soldiers in His army, then I am nothing more than a Private. Private Kimberly. He withholds no good thing from us, not even from a Private. He sent and is sending troops to fight lies, speak truth, be His Light in my darkness...and yours, too.

Love, your sister along the journey,

Kimberly Smith

Passport Through Darkness: A True Story of Danger and Second Chances by Kimberly L. Smith
January 1, 2011/ISBN 978-1-4347-0212-8/224 pages/softcover/$14.99
www.MakeWayPartners.org ~ http://kimberlylsmith.com

What did I think? Oh my goodness, what an amazing story. Amazing. I loved reading Kimberly Smith's story. Well written and engaging, for an autobiography, it was a good read.

Smith finds a good balance between sharing the story of the people she serves and revealing her weakness and struggles. I appreciated how Smith was willing to show that life is not perfect, even when we're risking our lives to serve others and God. She shares her passion without laying down a guilt trip... though I'll admit I felt convicted to help the weak and helpless victims in the world.

This book is not for the faint of heart, it does not skimp on the human suffering that Smith saw. I found myself in tears several times. It left me feeling angry and sad all at the same time. I have a huge respect for Smith and her journey.

Check out the mission's website here or you can read her blog here.

Thanks to the The B&B Media Group for sending me this book for free in exchange for an impartial review.

Parenting Course

2011-03-17T00:11:00.001-06:00

We're taking a parenting course. It's based on this. It's put on by our school board and I've met lots of other parents of autistic kids. I'm hoping we'll glean some stuff out of it. I think we already have. Our first job was to track a behavior that we wanted to change.

Tantrums. Good times.

Seems, as I track things, that beyond the weird, out of the blue tantrums that she has... our little girl has trouble with transition. Go figure. Just like Will did, only 10 times worse because she can't use her words very effectively. So...

My goal this week? To get some picture schedules going for her. I've been planning to do it for awhile, but I'm not doing well getting my head around it. I will this week - with Brian's help. I will.

Oh yes, I will.

I'm tired (WHY am I not in bed yet???). And sick of people telling me how to parent. Seems that you have a special needs child the first step is to learn how to parent.

Or rather, relearn.

The thing is, I NEED help. I need someone to tell me how to parent my child whose behavior doesn't always make sense. The child I can't reason with. The child who makes her brothers look normal to me. Including the one who was seen by a psychologist today for an intelligence test who then concluded that he was most definitely "on the spectrum".

I think my perspective is skewed.

But, my pride is still a bit hurt. I hate that I can't figure it out on my own. Parenting Willem was tough, but we figured it out and while life isn't perfect, our everyday life is pretty comfortable with him. Finn, on the other hand, has left our life slightly in shambles. Slightly? ha ha ha

Tomorrow, however, is a new day. With new tools and new strategies. And at least a few hours of sleep.

Until then...

Me & My Boys

2011-03-15T18:47:00.000-06:00

Ya. They're pretty great.

And in other news...

2011-03-13T20:34:00.009-06:00

I'm going back to school. Yes, I am. I made the decision to do so before Finn got her ASD diagnosis and am now just a little bit intimidated by the whole thing, but I'm gonna give it a shot anyways. I've been wanting to go back to school since I finished my degree 10 years ago. The time now seems right. Or at least it did before autism was named at our house.

I could say it's just a name. A word. But it's not, it's more than that. ASD means extra time running around to different programs and such, trying to get her as much help when she's young as we can. It means learning how to parent her and lots and lots of research. But it also means that she will likely qualify to go to school full time next year in kindergarten instead of the typical half day. That, coupled with the fact that their new school will be only 1 km away instead of the 15 through some of the most ridiculous traffic for a small city known to man that I am currently driving, I'm hoping that this new endeavor will turn successful.

It will be a long haul since I'm starting from scratch. I don't plan to talk about it much on here, but it's what I'm doing. Part of me is very excited. I just got my first assignment back this morning (I'm taking everything by distance right now) and I got a 90%. Oh yes I did. I haven't lost my touch. Too bad it's just an introductory English course and since I already have a bachelor's degree and since I grew up speaking English it's probably not really anything to be all that proud of. But still, it's a good start. It does take a little something away too though that the assignment doesn't even count toward my final mark.

Ya, I think that part's pretty funny. 90% on an assignment that doesn't even count. Way to go Amanda! Awesome job.

And that, besides being another year older, is what's new with me.

(Oh, the crazy hair. Do you see that rat's nest? That what happens when Finn sleeps. Seems one of the way she comforts herself is by rubbing her forehead against her pillow.

Ask me how much fun that is to comb out on a daily basis.

Real fun, I tell you. Real fun.)

Birthday Wine

2011-03-12T20:33:00.001-07:00

It was my birthday the other day. Mid 30's, blah, blah, blah. No big deal.

Brian worked a 12 hour shift. I went out for a walk and then coffee with a good friend while the kids were at school. Mom came over and had supper with the kids and me and then off I went to a parenting class for special needs children.

I was so busy, I didn't even get to drink the wine my husband bought me for my birthday. Do you see the name? "Mommy's Time Out". I'd never heard of it, but I think it's brilliant. I can't quite bring myself to open the bottle though. Seems like something like that needs to be saved.

Clean, clean, clean

2011-03-03T07:49:00.000-07:00

As I cleaned the bathrooms yesterday, Finleigh decided that she needed to help. So, I gave her a cloth and she followed me around helping.

"I help. I help!" Was her refrain.

And then we would sing, "Clean, clean, clean."

We must have been at it 45 minutes or so when I began to think about how very normal this exchange was. I felt like I had a little friend beside me as we sang and she followed simple instructions. This was how I had always thought it would be like having a little girl.

I was enjoying myself, despite the fact that I was cleaning our old, crumbling and rusting bathrooms. The exchange was so normal and pleasant that I even started to think about how ironic it would be that as soon as she got her autism label, she would start improving so much.

Then I made the mistake of asking her to do something that she didn't like and all hell broke loose. We were back to square one. Oh ya, that's the Finleigh I know and love.

But, she's growing up. This glimmer of normality, this new found desire to help tells me so. Hopefully we can get her some good behavioural therapy and we can learn how to help her work through her emotions in a more productive way. Because a day without a breakdown or 12? How great would that be?

The most boring post ever...

2011-02-27T06:54:00.001-07:00

It's been just over a week since we were given Finleigh's ASD diagnosis and I will admit that I'm still processing this.

In the meantime, I've been busy running around trying to make sure we get everything for her that we can. There was a lady in from the big city on Tuesday to observe Finn for a speech device. Then I met with her and Finn's learning team for an hour to discuss her recommendations. We'll hopefully begin testing them in the next few months after another meeting at the end of March.

As well, I've been to visit the provincial support for children with disabilities. She's been intook. Is that what one would say as the past tense of "intake?" We'll hopefully know in the next few months exactly what services she will qualify for... though she will be on a wait list of at least 6 months for the behavioral therapy they offer. I felt very irritated as I sat there trying to justify why my daughter deserved these extra services. There I was with a copy of the 2 page diagnosis, but she still needed to know exactly what our daily life is like. As if were it not severe enough they wouldn't help my daughter.

Oh to be independently wealthy and be able to fund everything she needs on our own.

I'm still waiting to hear back from a few phone calls I've made. I guess I'll have to call again and get pesky.

We've been working on the sleep thing. It's getting better after more than doubling her melatonin dosage as per the doc's suggestion. Which has been awesome till I couldn't sleep last night. Guess I was too rested? Though more likely too stressed.

I've finally bit the bullet and scheduled a dentist appointment for Finn. I know it's not good to have waited that long, but I've definitely been procrastinating on that one.

We apparently qualify for some sort of tax break now, I need to get the paperwork done for that, but that requires our doctor to fill out forms. I'll get to it. Soon. I'll try anyways.

It's been a busy week, but next week the kids have the week off and I'm looking forward to some downtime.

This winter just seems to be dragging on. We have at least another month until we can reasonably expect more mild weather to really take hold, but I'm ready for it now.

In fact, I think I'm ready for a trip to the Caribbean. Yes, that would be quite wonderful thank you very much. Quite wonderful.

Did that just happen???

2011-02-26T08:02:00.003-07:00

I'm Canadian. Therefore I say "zed" instead of "zee" for the very last letter of the alphabet. It's not that I really like saying "zed", I mean, it doesn't even rhyme in the alphabet song (what should I sing? "next time won't you come on my sled" or "next time will you color me red"?) or half of the other letters like "zee" does. I actually find it kind of annoying. BUT, I'm Canadian, darn it! We may over all as a country be easy going, but we cling to what little shared heritage we have very stubbornly. "Zed" is one of those things.

The thing with raising a child with severe communication problems is that you're often left wondering if what you heard is really what was said. Like this morning...

Finleigh singing part of the alphabet: q r s t u v...

And then she stops. Just stops.

So I continue: w x y zed.

Finleigh: zee

Uh, did that really just happen? Did I get corrected by my daughter? I think that maybe someone's been watching too much American TV.

Or maybe I was hearing things. Anything's possible.

Just when I think we're making progress...

2011-02-25T12:00:00.039-07:00

Oh rainbow licorice. Have you seen the kind that I'm talking about? By Twizzler's? I personally find it to be quite gross, but my boys LOVE it. And I suppose it may have some education value. You know, for teaching colors. (Though I'm not sure that all the sugar and phony baloney colors and flavors really are worth the educational benefit).

So I was handing some out to the kids and after the boys told me what colors they wanted, I asked Finn which color she wanted. "weww-o" she says as she grabs a yellow one. (Score 1!) She takes a bite and proceeds to pretend the licorice is a snake.

Yes, you heard me! She PRETENDED that her licorice is a snake. (Score 2!) They must be working on the "S" sound at school.

After another minute, out of nowhere, she starts crying, bangs her head purposely on the table and runs to the kitchen to throw her licorice into the garbage can. This is followed by a few more minutes of stomping around and crying. (minus 5)

And just when I thought we might have a normal moment.

Happy Birthday Finn

2011-02-24T18:52:00.000-07:00

Finleigh turned 4 on Valentine's Day. With all the distractions of getting a diagnosis and traveling and then dealing with things when we got back, I haven't even had time to talk about it.

We had a quiet little family gathering to celebrate. My sister took a few photos of the cake part of the celebration...

It's hard to believe it's already been four years since she came into our lives, and yet I can't begin to imagine our life without her.

A Diagnosis

2011-02-20T22:31:00.000-07:00

So, we have a diagnosis, of sorts.

First, let me just say what a pleasure it was to go to these assessments. Everyone there was so caring and attentive and treated us so well. What a wonderful departure from what we're used to in the medical system where we often feel like a number to get through. These people looked our file before we even arrived and knew what they needed to know. That was really nice.

A lot of terms were thrown around during our time there... "disorder" not delay. Finn's learning and behaviour is disordered. "Dysregulated". Her emotions are dysregulated. "Gorgeous". Don't forget that one... she really is the sweetest little thing. And we got this one too... "I dunno".

One of the neurodevelopmental pediatricians that saw Finleigh really isn't sure what's going on with Finleigh physically. We'll be seeing the Sr. physician in her department in June. With 30 some odd years experience, he will have hopefully seen what Finleigh has before. Some possibilities? Congenital Stiff Man syndrome or dyskinetic cerebral palsy. But these were not given to us in writing and are still up for discussion. Hopefully we'll know more in June.

She does have a severe communication disorder. A suspected severe motor speech disorder (suspected since she didn't let the speech pathologist see enough to be a definite). Her adaptive skills are at about the 24 month range. They couldn't test her IQ because she wouldn't let them. Severe emotional behavioral dysregulation. She has self abusive behaviors. She's impaired in social interaction and communication. She has increased muscle tone and decreased range of motion.

No big surprises there. Though kinda shocking when you see them all written together like that.

So, the diagnosis? Autism Spectrum Disorder.

The good news in all this is that we finally have a name for it. Not that it's adequate because it doesn't really explain everything that is Finleigh, but what it will give us is more support. I can't tell you how excited I am to have that extra help. Behavioral help. Speech help. Recognition that this is more than a simple delay. That's good.

We're also sad. It's not a fun diagnosis. It's hard to believe in some ways, yet not totally unexpected since it's been in the back of our mind for months now.

So that, my friends, is that. It's what we know and now we move ahead to try to get her (and us) as much help as we can possibly get.

It's time

2011-02-13T05:17:00.000-07:00

As I type, it's 4:30 am and I've been up for an hour. Somebody woke me up and after a while of trying to get Miss Finn to sleep, we came downstairs looking for anything that might settle her down.

I woke up nauseated, probably from only getting 3 hours of sleep after decorating a birthday cake (aka consuming almost as much icing as is on the cake). That nausea had me terrified that we were all getting a stomach flu on the eve of heading to the big city for our long awaited appointment, a fear that seemed to be supported by Finn's slightly odd behavior.

My little blond angel seems to be just fine now though thanks to a little snack, her Leapster and the TV. Now if only I could get her back to sleep...

We're heading down the highway in just a few hours and there's still a few things to get done before we leave. The anticipation for this long awaited appointment is palpable and since it's going to mean pulling the kids out of school for a week, it feels like a really big deal. I want to be prepared, so I've been running around like a crazy person to get everything done while Brian has worked 12 hour shifts the last 4 days. I think this has helped the strep try to rear it's ugly head again.... I and my trusty antibiotics are fighting it though. If only I could rest. I am exhausted and don't anticipate getting a proper sleep anytime soon.

I also want things to go perfectly, a desire which I need to let go of because I know I can't control that and traveling always adds a few more uncontrollable factors that usually result in less than perfect moments. Like lack of sleep. Like germy public washrooms. Like loss of routine. So I will settle for none of us throwing up on the days of the appointments. I can't stop worrying about what would happen if Finn's really sick and can't really attend the appointment. How long will it be until they could get us in again?

And then there's the disappointment of Finn's birthday cake. I'm not unhappy with it. It's fine. And when she went into the fridge just now to find something to eat and saw it, she got really excited. She'll love it because it has things that she likes; like purple and butterflies and chocolate and sugar. But I didn't get that excited feeling I usually get when I decorate my cakes. I get a certain pleasure from creating something beautiful for my children once a year since we don't go all out and do big parties or buy big extravagant presents. And plus, the cake is also for my sister who's birthday was 2 days ago. But I must cut myself a break given all the sickness and busy-ness we've had. Like I said, she loves it and that's what's important.

So now, as I listen to Caillou on the TV and Tad singing "The Alphabet Song" on the Leapster and Dora singing "Happy Birthday" on the musical card Finn got from her grandparents - all at the same time - and then chase Finleigh to the fridge to make sure she doesn't put her hand in her cake I'll be grateful that Brian is driving in the morning and that I won't have to do any of this on my own.

Beauty

2011-02-11T17:04:00.000-07:00

There are some beautiful people in this world and if one is lucky, they'll be allowed to have interacted with a handful of these people throughout their lives. I'm not talking about outward beauty, but instead that glow that comes from a person's soul, you know? They just radiate love and compassion and... well... beauty. This year, we've been blessed enough to know one of these people, Finleigh's educational assistant, Lindsay. Or Miss K as Finleigh knows her. I knew from the second I learned she was going to be her EA that it was going to be a good year... and it has been.

Finleigh will be turning 4 in 3 days. It's hard to believe that it's been four years since an emergency c-section changed my life, but it has been and I'm constantly grateful for the miracle of her life. Miss K knew this and decided to give Finleigh a birthday present. Now, I'm not a big proponent of giving children lots and lots of stuff on their birthday, but a few thoughtful gifts is such a great thing. After school today, Finleigh opened her pink bag of gifts from the loving Miss K. A teddy that she can dress because she's so stylish, a toy that she loves at school, a video. My goodness, I couldn't believe it. What a wonderful thing to do.

I'm touched beyond words and it's not the gift that I'm touched by... it's the person. The gift was an outflow of her and was thoughtful and wonderful. But really, it's the love and understanding and grace that she showers on my little girl everyday that really touches me. Gift or not, I would say the exact same thing about her.

I will miss seeing her everyday next year since we're moving schools and won't have the privilege of working with her, but I can promise you that I will make sure we keep in touch. People like her are too rare to lose.

Weight

2011-02-11T06:48:00.000-07:00

My weight is slowly creeping up. I dislike this strongly but not enough to do something about it. Which is not cool.

I'm still at the point where I'm not feeling too, too big... but I'm getting there. And it leaves me wondering, WHY?

Why am I eating? Why am I throwing away all the work I did to get my weight down? Why don't I care?

But mostly, why am I eating?????

I have no clue, friends, but I think it would behoove me to figure it out.

I like that word, behoove. It's funny.

I've been throwing around the idea in my head for a while now of talking more about my food issues again on this blog. Not about necessarily the weekly weight ins that I used to do, but just more about why I can't seem to make that permanent change. Why I haven't been able to say no when a craving hits. Not that I'm committing yet... that would be crazy. I've been up since 5 am with my daughter who is cranky (as one might imagine) and am perhaps not thinking quite straight.

There it is... I'm putting it out there. You can't see me from where you sit so I can pretend that I'm doing awesome... but I'm not. So now you know and maybe now I'll stop being in denial.

Relaxed?

2011-02-10T09:00:00.005-07:00

So I joined a book club a few months ago. It's mostly made up of ladies that I barely know, but I it's still kinda fun. We've read two books so far. Freedom by Jonathan Franzen - a book that I really liked despite the excessive sexual discriptions - and Handle with Care by Jody Picoult - a book that I also enjoyed to a slightly lesser extent but was considerably cleaner and that I would have enjoyed more had I not seen other work by Picoult in the past (meaning that since I know how her endings usually go, I found this one slightly predictable). Both books were relatively thought provoking. Both brought good conversation. And I can I just say that I enjoy having a social outlet?

Up next, we're reading Life of Pi by Yann Martel. After that, we're not sure. We might give the Canada Reads top nominations a try. It would be nice to read some more Canadian authors.

But I didn't start to write this post to bore you with details of my book club. Instead I thought I'd tell you all about what a fake I seem to be. I must be.

Or am I?

And if I am, it's definitely not on purpose.

We met the other night to talk about our second book, Handle with Care. I almost cancelled because it was at my house and I was sick, but we'd planned it over a month ago and my hero of a husband stepped up and helped me get everything ready. This month's book, Handle with Care, is about a special needs child. Being the mom of a special needs child myself, albeit not nearly as severe this child was, I had a little bit in common with the mother in this story. I got talking about our trip next week to see the developmental pediatrician and all the hopes we have for that appointment and the ladies were all impressed with how matter of factually I was talking about it. I'm not sure why this would be a surprise, I mean, it's been my life for 4 years now (minus 4 days). It just is. And as I told them, Finn's not medically fragile. I don't worry about her dying on a regular basis, I just deal with her crappy tantrums - which have been worse in the past couple weeks as we've had a pretty bad case of strep throat hit half our family starting with Finleigh who found it hard to sleep which means so did her parents.

Ugh, can I just say how horrible having strep throat is??? And of course Finn took it one step further and made it Scarlet Fever, which I guess just means that she had a rash and fever too. And so she'd barely been sleeping and it took forever to get her some antibiotics to help her get better. We've been through several bottles of Tylenol. Then Nate and I got it and currently, I'm hoping beyond hope that the lack of pain I'm feeling right now means that the the antibiotics (that thankfully the kid's pediatrician prescribed for me so that I wouldn't have to try get into my family doc or go to emerg) have kicked in and not just that the Tylenol/Advil combo I took this morning is doing an exceptional job. Strep throat really, really hurts.

But back to the meeting last night. As I sat there (barely keeping my head up because that stupid strep was taking everything out of me) listening to moms of typical kids and non-moms telling me how relaxed I seemed about it all, I wasn't sure what to say. I shrugged and told them that the late talking and atypical behaviour was nothing compared to the tubefeeding we had to do when she was a baby and that the anxiety/mild depression I've been dealing with this past year really, really sucked (meaning that I'm not handling it as well as they may think). But now, I may, just may be over it. I dearly hope so cuz that was even worse than this crappy strep throat. Anxiety is pretty tough too.

I then collapsed after everyone left... it was fun but I was SO tired.

I'm not even sure what the point of this post is except that I feel the need to post again. And that I suppose all is not always what it looks like on the outside. I'm not as relaxed as I guess I appear to be. But life's not all that bad either. I have accepted Finn's difficulties, but they certainly don't define her. They're part of her, but so are her sense of humor and her laugh and her sweet, sweet smile. And what would I do in a day without a Finleigh hug, her little arms squeezing my neck so tight? That moment right there really does make it all worth it.

Winter fun... well, sorta

2011-02-09T14:24:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I've participated in Wordless Wednesdays / Special Exposures. But I thought I'd jump in today. Here's a few pictures my husband clicked one day a couple weeks ago when he took the kids out to enjoy a mild winter day. Most of them enjoyed it out there...

Love Food & Live Well - A Review

2011-01-28T09:50:00.000-07:00

You don’t have to hide it. You can love food right out in the open—and lose weight at the same time. With the latest release from Chantel Hobbs, Love Food and Live Well, you’ll know when to have carrot cake and when it’s time to just have a carrot.

Let life coach and fitness expert Chantel Hobbs show you how to lose pounds to reach the weight that is right for you and then maintain it while enjoying healthy, delicious food. Built into this amazing plan is knowing that you can count on the occasional splurge with absolutely no guilt.

Using personal inventories, original recipes, and simple eating plans, plus new exercises for strength training and aerobic fitness, Hobbs will inspire you to live well in every area of life. Her positive and highly motivating approach is changing the way dieters look at food and will inspire you to pursue a life of lasting health in body, mind, and spirit.

Hobbs isn’t like other fitness and nutritional experts. She doesn’t just have the knowledge of what to eat. She’s experienced the heartache of feeling unworthy. In her book she says, “We’ll look at the deal the world has been selling us all of our lives—the message that we’re not good enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, and just basically that we’re not enough.” Hobbs doesn’t just offer expert advice. She offers hope.

She exposes the lies that trap dieters in self-defeating habits and shows them how to break free from destructive attitudes toward food. You will no longer need to hate food or be limited to eating boring, bland, unsatisfying meals. You can learn to live with freedom.

Chantel Hobbs is a life coach, marathon runner, personal trainer, wife, and mother of four. Her amazing story of losing two hundred pounds and keeping the weight off has been featured on Oprah, The Today Show, Good Morning America, Fox & Friends, Life Today with James Robison, The 700 Club, and Focus on the Family Radio—and in People and First magazines. Hobbs hosts a weekly radio show and is the on-air fitness expert on the WAY-FM radio network. She is also a regular guest on the KLOVE radio network. Hobbs is a frequent speaker to women’s groups and makes personal appearances at fitness conventions. The developer of The One-Day Way Learning System and the author of four books, including Never Say Diet and The One-Day Way, Chantel lives with her family in south Florida.

Love Food and Live Well by Chantel Hobbs

WaterBrook Press/December 2010

ISBN: 978-0-307-45784-4/240 pages/hardcover/$19.99

www.chantelhobbs.com

What did I think? Hobbs gives a very God centered, balanced approached to weight control. Having herself lost 200 pounds, you know that she must get the issues that those of us that struggle with weight deal with. That's always good for a start.

This book did not give me a lot of information that I didn't already know, but if a person were unfamiliar to nutrition and exercise, there are chapters that give good explanations of both. And I did learn a few things. She gives a way to make sure your diet is balanced and explains calorie usage (though it is a little more work than say the Weight Watcher's method). She includes a few recipes (that I'm not sure I'd ever use) and several exercises with instructions and pictures (that I may just use). I agree with her approach. I like it because it makes good sense and I think if a person followed it, they would have success. Since I haven't read her other two books, I'm not sure how well this one stands alone for a beginner. Hobbs does refer to her other works a few times through this one, so they may be a good supplement.

What I think I liked the most about this book is that she spends a lot of time dealing with what's going on inside. She talks about self esteem, self image and spirituality. It's important to have a healthy diet and to exercise, but without dealing with the things that are causing you to eat more than you need, it will be a temporary fix. She has a good perspective.

Hobbs is upbeat. She brings a lot of energy to this book, writing in an engaging way the keeps one's attention pretty much throughout. The book is not too long and can be finished fairly quickly.

So, if you've decided to lose weight this New Year and your current way isn't working as well for you as you'd like (or it is and just want some supplement), you may want to consider giving this book a try.

I received this book from B&B Media in exchange for an impartial review.

Something a little different...

2011-01-12T10:21:00.001-07:00

I don't usually post advertisement for books or interviews by authors... but I feel like this topic is important...
Seniors deserve to be cared for, respected and loved. This author is looking to put more resources out there just for that reason. I like that. Not only because I ADORE my one last living grandparent, but also because (hopefully) we will one day be seniors ourselves.
Please note that I have not read these books nor have can I place any personal opinion on them. I have no idea if they're any good...

Talking with God in Old Age: Meditations and Psalms

In Talking with God in Old Age, Missy Buchanan sensitively address the worries, fears, and frustrations of older adults and extends hope, encouraging them to maintain an open dialogue with God. Each reading features:
· A candid conversation with God
· A related passage from Psalms
· Easy-to-read print

Seniors grappling with the aging process will readily identify with these reflections and will find reassurance of God’s Presence. Caregivers, family members, and others seeking to understand aging loved ones will gain insight into the thoughts and emotions of the elderly frail.

Living with Purpose in a Worn-Out Body: Spiritual Encouragement for Older Adults

Birthed out of real-life experience, Living with Purpose in a Worn-out Body is a big does of authentic spiritual encouragement for frail elderly who struggle to find purpose a the end of their lives. These devotionals addressed to God raise in prayer the many concerns of the frail elderly and provide opportunities to reminisce and reflect on their blessings.

Each devotional offers the following:
· Easy-to-read print
· Reader-friendly format
· Comfortable, nonacademic language
· A first-person address to God
· Brief supporting scriptures from the New and Old Testaments

Question and Answer with Missy Buchanan

Even when age creeps up on the body and mind, and life changes from what it once was, is it still possible to have a purpose in life? When it is no longer possible to venture out and do the things you once loved, can you still find a reason to look forward to each day? Missy Buchanan, a leading expert and advocate for senior adults, believes that you can. Buchanan wants to encourage older adults to find their purpose, share their stories, and make an impact on those around them.

Q: What made you decide to start ministering to and writing books for older adults?

Well, as a middle-aged adult, I never had any intention of becoming an author of books for older adults. But because of the journey that my own aging parents were on, I realized how they had become disconnected from their church as their lives changed. They started off as active older adults and then that circle got smaller as they had more needs and physical limitations. As I would visit them at their retirement community, I would also see so many others that were just like them. They needed spiritual encouragement. And so that’s why I got started. The first book began as a project just for my own parents. I wrote devotions and kept them in a loose-leaf notebook. But others started asking for them and things just spiraled from there.

Q: What do you think children need to know about their aging parents?

What I realized personally was that I had been so caught up in my parents’ physical needs that I had neglected their spiritual needs. They were no longer connected to their church, at least in regular worship attendance, and that had been such a huge part of their lives. I almost made that mistake of just totally missing that, and that was the point where I began to write. I looked and there were other books written about older adults but not very many that were written to them and for them. So the first thing I would tell their children is to pay attention not only to their physical needs but also to their spiritual needs.

Q: What is your opinion about role reversal with children and their aging parents?

I hear the whole idea of role reversal where the older parent becomes a child and the grown children become the parent, and I understand what they are talking about because my own parents became more dependent on me. But I think that when we refer to it as a role reversal, and we begin to think of our aging parents as children, we strip away their dignity. We rob them of respect and we overlook the fact that they are not children. They have had a lifetime of experiences that a child has not had. And I think that is an important difference that grown children need to think about and pay attention to. It’s more of a role shift in responsibilities and not a role reversal. I know how much it hurts an aging parent to feel like they are being treated like a baby or like a child.

Q: Other than aging adults, who else has benefited from your writing?

A friend of mine in an assisted living facility asked me to bring some books for one of her tablemates. Her tablemate explained that these books were for her adult children. “They don’t understand what it feels like to grow old, and I can’t seem to make them understand, but your books say it better than I ever could.” My books are all written in the first person as if an older adult is speaking directly to God. There are a lot of adult children that are buying them for themselves and older adults buying them for their grown children.

And I’ve heard of different youth groups that have been reading my books in order to better understand what it’s like to grow old. Instead of just mocking their older peers, they are learning that they share a lot of the same feelings—feelings of insecurity, feelings of fear. As a result of reading the books, one youth group in Tennessee has even adopted the residents of the senior living center across from their church.

Q: How can faith change our idea of growing older?

So many see aging as a punishment, and they dread it so much. But even though it is difficult to be limited by an aging body, they need to look at it as a gift that God has given them. They still have so much to give. They have great wisdom to share and stories to share. I always tell my older friends that their story is not yet over.

Missy Buchanan is the author of Talking with God in Old Age: Meditations and Psalms and
Living with Purpose in a Worn-Out Body: Spiritual Encouragement for Older Adults (Upper Room Books).

Click here to watch Missy Buchanan’s recent interview with
Good Morning America’s Robin Roberts and Roberts’ 86-year-old mother.

Visit Missy Buchanan’s website, www.missybuchanan.com, and blog, http://missybu.wordpress.com/.
Become a friend on Facebook (Aging and Faith) and follow on Twitter (MissyBuchanan).

For more information, contact:

Audra Jennings

Senior Media Specialist

The B&B Media Group

1-800-927-0517 Ext. 104 - ajennings(at)tbbmedia.com

Visit us on the web at www.tbbmedia.com or our blog at www.tbbmedia.blogspot.com

We are also on Facebook and Twitter (audrajennings and TBBMediaGroup)!

“A Media Communications Company”

109 S. Main - Corsicana, TX 75110

Fax: 903-872-0518

Muslim Women Reformers by Ida Lichter - A Review

2011-01-11T14:41:00.000-07:00

Muslim Women Reformers
Inspiring Voices Against Oppression
By Ida Lichter

In a world where the strident demands of Islamic extremists capture the media's attention, the courageous protests of Muslim reformers barely receive any notice. These include a surprising number of women who are prepared to challenge institutionalized persecution, risking derision, arrest, physical harm, and even death.

In this inspiring compilation of Muslim women's stories from around the world, the voices of these long-oppressed women ring loud and clear as they question ideology and culture, patriarchal and religious beliefs, and demand the social and political rights women lack in many Muslim countries. The reformers speak out with passion, humanity, and sometimes humor in these compact and often poignant biographies, bringing alive the harsh realities for women in many parts of the world.

By surveying a wide range of Muslim reformers, not only in the Middle East but also in Europe and North America, author Ida Lichter uncovers some significant emerging trends. For example, she notes that the majority of Muslim feminists would like to see reform contained within Islam. Many criticize their patriarchal culture for suppressing egalitarian views that they believe the Koran expresses and so they advocate a reinterpretation of the holy text. Some demand changes to discriminatory Sharia-based laws. Others campaign openly for political and educational reforms.

Complete with a glossary and a list of helpful Web sites, this vibrant anthology makes use of reliable translations from original languages to demonstrate the groundswell of grassroots change that promises eventually to bring even the most conservative sectors of Islam into the twenty-first century.

Ida Lichter, is a clinical and research psychiatrist and contributor to The Huffington Post. Living in London for over 12 years focused her interest on the large Muslim populations in the UK and Europe and brought her closer to the eye of the storm in the Middle East. She lives in Sydney, Australia.

Muslim Women Reformers
By Ida Lichter
Prometheus Books | ISBN-13: 978-0984301706
US $27.98 | Hardcover | 513 pages

What did I think? Where to begin? Well, this book is not for the faint of heart, both in content and in length. Resembling more of a text book than light reading, this book is 400 pages. And that total doesn't include the notes or the glossary. It is a big book. It took me quite a while to read.

Part of the reason it took me so long to read was the length. Part of it was that Christmas came and I finally decided I had to put it down in order to get things done. But mostly it was because I was riveted. When I first started reading this work, I thought that I would likely skim much of it as it's a fact based collection of women's lives and work in the Muslim world. As I delved deeper however, I could not bring myself to skim anything. I needed to read every word. And I did. I felt that each woman's story deserved my attention. I think what I found especially compelling was the quotes that Lichter used. Every woman's story is peppered with their own words and as I sat reading about their lives, their words hit home just how dire it is for women in some parts of the Muslim world. I was aware it was bad. I've watched documentaries and I see the news, but reading so many of these brave women's struggles somehow made it more real to me.

Honor killings, domestic abuse, illiteracy, lack of rights, burkas, isolation, female circumcision (or mutilation depending on your view). These are all everyday realities for many women in the world. And that's just the beginning. It's unfathomable for me to imagine what their lives must be like in that misogynistic society. And it's allowed in the name of religion. Religion. It is sickening, the human abuse that happens every single day.

This book has drastically changed how I - a female, relatively liberal Christian and North American - look at this religion, culture and politics. Drastically. I'm grateful to Ida Lichter for sharing this information with us.

While this book is slightly repetitive and long, you may want to tackle it anyways. I think this is information all of us should read.

Thanks to Lisa, the Online Publicist, for this opportunity to review this book. Lisa sent me this book in exchange for an impartial review and I was under no obligation to give it a positive one.

My head hurts...

2011-01-07T13:55:00.000-07:00

... and it does. My head does hurt. Partly because it's that time of the month. But also because I totally lost it on my son today.

I hate it when I lose it on my kids. And I'm never proud of it. But in this instance, I almost feel I had reason to. I didn't and I'm not justifying yelling at the very top of my lungs as we drove home from school, but I was mad. I was mad enough that I didn't even wait until we were out of view of the school to start. Who knows who saw me.

It's a frustrating thing when you say very clearly - TWICE - what your very simple instructions are and those instructions are completely disregarded. Even after I asked him if he understood.

Oh ya mom... totally.

Or not.

We've made up now. It's all okay. Except for the self inflicted headache. I still have a headache.

So, if you'll excuse me I'm going to go lie down now and wait for those 2 Extra Strength Tylenol to kick in.

I think it's safe to say that I won't be yelling again today.

Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo and Lynn Vincent - A Review

2011-01-06T13:51:00.000-07:00

Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo is a lovely little read about a boy named Colton, who during a near death experience at age 3, visits heaven. The story is told by his father, a pastor,who recalls the events leading up to, during and after Colton almost dies. Colton's trip to heaven is revealed slowly over the next couple of years as he gives little tidbits that mirror the Bible and life events so closely that it convinces his parents that he really did go.

This book is an easy read. I finished it in an afternoon. It went at a good pace and kept my interest throughout. I'm not going to weigh in on whether or not I think this story is completely true, but I hope it is. It has certainly given me food for thought, that's for sure.

I received a complimentary copy of this book in exchange for an unbiased review from Book Sneeze.

Juice! Apple Juice even...

2011-01-05T13:30:00.000-07:00

Thanks for you comments on my last post. I didn't realize I was being hard on myself. I wasn't feeling down on myself when I wrote the post (except for perhaps my weight), I was just trying explain why I haven't been blogging. Anyways, I'm doing fine... just a dark tone to my post, I guess.

I am supposed to be cleaning my house. I have people coming over tonight in 6 hours and here I am at the computer. But before I get all responsible and domestic and stuff, I wanted to share a story about Finleigh. It makes me happy.

Now, keep in mind that Finleigh's words sound garbled. They're largely devoid of consonants and often uninterpretable outside of the specific situation they're meant for, but we're learning. Like today at lunch when she laid down sideways on her chair on her back, hanging her head upside down. "Upside down," she said. It sounded like "uh-uh-own" It took us a minute to realize what she'd said. We didn't even know she knew what that was. So, for the purpose of this story I'll write the proper words, but it doesn't really sound as clear as all that.

Anyways, to my story...

We have a struggle with Finleigh. She likes to help herself to the kitchen. It drives me crazy when 20 minutes after a meal, she's back in the kitchen looking for food. Oy. So, we're constantly shooing her out of the kitchen. Just a few minutes ago I heard the fridge door open...

"Finleigh, what are you doing?"

"Juice!" (which sounds like "oooose")

"Here, you can have your water bottle."

"No, thank you. Apple juice!" (Did you hear that entire, long sentence??? Two sentences even?)

"What do you say?"

"Pleeeeeeeze!"

"Okay, I'll get you a sippy cup. Oops, they're both full of milk. Would you like some milk?"

"No, thank you. Apple juice!"

"Alright, let me just clean this out... Here you go." and I hand her the cup.

"Thank you."

Not too bad, right? Yup, we're coming along. Still a far way to go, but we're coming along. And today was the first time I've heard her say "apple" and "juice" together.

AND! Not one meltdown in that entire exchange.

We may beat this thing yet.

Offline

2011-01-03T20:57:00.000-07:00

This whole moving thing? Has thrown me for a loop. And while things have finally settled down for me, my life seems to have fallen into a much different pattern. That pattern doesn't seem to have much time for my lovely computer. I suppose it might have something to do with the added hour and a half of driving I've added to my day to make sure the kids get to school. And maybe the large to do list around the house.

Regardless of the reason though, I'm finding that there are weeks when I don't even open my Google Reader. Gack. I know crazy, right? And I'm going days and days without visiting Facebook. Huh?

So as an offshoot of that, here I am, not having entered anything on this blog for just shy of a month. There's that time thing. But there's also this nagging suspicion that at least one of my children will be very upset by some of the things I write about them sometime soon. Or even now (Willem hates the term Willipedia). And... Finleigh seems to be past the worst of her struggles. And... most of my struggles and frustrations right now are just too private to share on this medium. And... then there's the mortifying subject of my weight.

Mort-i-fy-ing.

Yet I'm torn because I so appreciate my online relationships. Both those that I've met through blogging and my long distance friends that I knew for real once upon a time. So, I may just be going through a blogging dry spell. Hopefully it'll pass...

Finleigh's neurology appointment went well, by the way. Nothing brain shattering or wonderful said. But there may be another MRI and another round of genetic testing in our future, we'll see after our February appointment. At least the doctor really wants to help us, even though a really big chunk of kids like Finleigh never do really get a diagnosis. I suppose the meltdown she had in the waiting room that prompted the nurses to bring us back early and that lasted a good half hour may have helped things. He noticed that her outbursts seemed to be more out of frustration than aggression. And then he said something about how hard it must be to be in her body. It must be bad when the doctor says it, no? So now we wait for the appointment on her 4th birthday. The one we're now hanging all our hopes on.

Speaking of her birthday, I have NO clue what to get her. Not a clue. No idea. Okay, some ideas but nothing making me excited. It would be so much easier if she could ask for something.

And that's my story for today. We took all of about a dozen pictures over Christmas. I've yet to download them. Maybe I'll get to it later this week.

Hope you're having a great start to 2011.

Willipedia - Santa Claus

2010-12-06T20:56:00.000-07:00

For all Will's scientific reasoning, he still believes wholeheartedly in Santa Claus. It warms my heart to see him still being a kid, even when his thoughts go to subjects that are much more mature on a regular basis. Tonight's conversation at bedtime:

Will: Mom, I think I'd like to sleep in the family room (where the Christmas tree is set up) on Christmas Eve.

Me: Oh, I'm not so sure that's a good idea Will.

Will: Why not?

Me: Because then Santa may not come. He knows if you're sleeping and he knows if you're in your room.

Will: You mean he's got metaphysical cameras everywhere?

Me: Uh, ya. Something like that.

Did I mention that I love my son?

Now that my keyboard's working again.

2010-12-05T16:05:00.000-07:00

Guess what? My keyboard's working again. Look, I can type 'S' and 'W' and 'X'. Gosh there are a lot of words with those three letters in them. And I will not be placing my coffee behind my keyboard on my new pullout tray for my keyboard again. That was dumb. The irony was that I was trying to get to Finleigh before she made a mess. That's why I spilled the coffee. Hmmm... sticky honey hands vs. coffee with cream all over my new computer desk. Which is worse? I'm just not sure.

And speaking of Finleigh, what I was going to say yesterday before I was so rudely interrupted by the absence (yes, I actually do know how to spell it properly when my 's' is working) of some crucial letters is that we have an application in for her to get a speech device as well. The good doctor that will be overseeing our appointments for the hopeful diagnosis we will be receiving mentioned that she may be needing one in the future. That was enough for her SLP, who has been suspecting that she may have some form of dyspraxia (or Childhood Apraxia of Speech, as she called it) to say, let's see if we can get her one. Thanks Dr. G. Can't wait to see you in February!

But Finleigh is speaking more now. She still struggles with her consonant sounds, but her vowel sounds in words is pretty right on. She attempts almost any word now, dropping or mispronouncing the consonants, but if you really pay attention, you can figure out what she's saying. She says things like "juice" and other food related words. She also said "pink" and "purple" the other day. Please, Thank You, Sorry and Excused are her best manner words. She'll sing the alphabet song. It' sounds like "A, B, E, E, E, E, E...." But at least she's trying. A year ago, she'd barely babble.

As I sit here, I realize that I haven't even told you about our report cards that came out a few weeks ago. It was all very exciting. Finleigh got a normal report card this year and even scored at level for several things... because her teacher tested her receptive language and not her expressive. She knows most of her shapes, colors and body parts. It was so gratifying to see. And Willem. Willem's report card was AMAZING. I hate to brag, but seriously, I cried when I saw it. It's amazing what a good teacher and more challenge can do for a kid. Nate's was okay. He's showing a lot of the same traits that Will had in kindergarten. He's challenging his teacher just a bit, but he's still doing very well.

I have lots more to say. Now that my in-laws have been for a delightful visit and the house is relatively settled and Christmas is decorated for, I will have a little more time. Still not as much as I used to, but more. And I'll write more in the days to come. If I don't decide to crazily attempt a baking spree.

But my really big news today is that I joined Twitter. Oh yes, I was a hold out for a very long time and I'm not sure how often I'll use it, but my friend Tara is co-hosing an event on Tuesday and I'd love to win the prize, so I joined. Go check it out... you'll want to join too. You can follow me @adaybyday (can you believe that name was free? I was awfully excited), and I'll follow you too. But I will warn you that my life really is very, very unexciting.

I've missed the internet. It's good to be back.

Well, hello there

2010-12-04T08:33:00.000-07:00

It's been a while. It's almost as if I've dropped off the face of the earth or something.

But I haven't. I'm still here. Uninspired to write. But still here.

So what's up with me these days, you ask? Where to begin?

On the Finleigh front, we go to the big city next week to see the neurologist. An appointment, which I expect to be a complete waste of time, but we'll go anyways, I suppose. Then in February, on her birthday nonetheless, our long awaited appointment is finally here. This is where we'll see a team of doctors who will see her, talk to us, consult all together and then hopefully (oh dream of dreams) come up with an actual diagnosis for our sweet, sweet daughter. Our sweet, sweet daughter who is still not consistently sleeping through the night. Who took her poopy diaper off in her room yet again this morning. Who is beginning to talk a little bit more.

And before I continue, I believe I need to tell you that coffee happened to get all over my keyboard today. And certain letter (plural) do not come up anymore. I can't even tell you them, I can't type them. But I can tell you that they are on the left hand of my keyboard. Oddly enough, my "a" can come up. But not the neighbor (plural) to the right. They fine a minute ago, you can look at them above. But they are gone. It hard to communicate in their abzence.

Oh, hubby not gonna be happy.

Figure that I finally get to doing a blog and the keyboard die.

Oy...

The Tapestry Shop - A Review

2010-11-13T16:11:00.000-07:00

Carol Fass Publicity & Public Relations sent me this book in exchange for an impartial review. Here's what they say about it:

The Tapestry Shop, by Joyce Elson Moore, is an historical novel based on the life of Adam de la Halle, a poet/musician who left behind a vast collection of secular compositions. While researching Adam's music, Moore discovered a little-known fact; the earliest version of the Robin Hood legend may have been Adam's play, Le Jeu de Robin et Marion. Because Adam was patronized by royalty, his play was probably performed in English courts, and would have changed, as legends do. In the retelling, Robin became an English hero, and Robin's companions became the Merry Men.

The book draws the reader into the Middle Ages, where women joined the crusades and students held discourse on the Street of Straw, but the overriding appeal of The Tapestry Shop may be Adam's connection to the popular legend of Robin Hood, the celebrated outlaw who was immortalized in later ballads, and who continues to draw fans around the world to films that center on this elusive hero.

PRAISE FOR THE TAPESTRY SHOP

"The Tapestry Shop evokes the sights, smells, sounds, and moeurs of thirteenth century France while creating a plausible biography of Adam de la Halle based on the small number of facts known about his life. Intertwined with facts known about Arras, Douai, Cambrai, and Paris in the 13th century, imagined events, individuals, and relationships play out against a backdrop of history.

The reader is privileged to experience life in the 13th century while rubbing shoulders with mostly fictitious characters. The rapport between serfs and landowners is portrayed in all its unfairness subject to arbitrary decisions. Catherine's marriage portrays the fate of women at this time even those with enlightened, loving fathers. The reader fears for the safety of travelers in the desolate and dangerous countryside between villages where they constantly risk being robbed, beaten, or even murdered. The stimulation and excitement of the trading fair in Troyes comes to life as Catherine and Adam look at all the goods available for sale and deal with vendors trying to get the highest price.

The eighth Crusade led by Louis IX (later Saint Louis) in 1270 is portrayed from within showing the diverse motivations of the participants: vows made to the Virgin, desire for profit, restlessness that pushed men and women to seek adventure and risk in unknown experiences. Exploitation of the naïve is often balanced by deeds of kindness and mercy. The reader can feel
the teeming crowds of humanity, the confusion, noise, and smells associated with disorganized masses launching themselves into the unfamiliar.

After spending many years studying and reading and writing about the Middle Ages, I enjoyed immensely being immersed in the thirteenth century in the company of a poet whose work I know well but whose life and experiences I had never imagined."

From Dr. Deborah Nelson-Campbell
Department of French Studies
Rice University
Ed. and Trans. The Lyrics and Melodies of Adam de la Halle

"The Tapestry Shop evokes a colorful, vibrant world which has long deserved to be woven into a story like this one. It's a pleasure to see the pioneering trouvère Adam de la Halle at the center of it, and to read this imaginative treatment of his life and times."

From Dr. Carol Symes
Assoc. Professor of History and Medieval Studies
Univ. of Illinois
Author of A Common Stage: Theatre and Public Life in Medieval Arras

About the Author:
Joyce Elson Moore is an award-winning author of historical fiction. In addition to her novels, her work has appeared in major newspapers and national publications, poetry journals, and anthologies of selected writers.
She lives on the west coast of Florida with her rescued boxer dog, rabbits, tree squirrels, a resident coyote, and several gopher tortoises that call her wooded three acres their home. Joyce is an unabashed Francophile who also enjoys ballroom dancing, RVing and overseas travel, book groups, yoga, visiting with her family, and taking classes in almost anything she has not tried.
Affiliations, past and present, include Historical Novel Society, Florida Writers Assn., Romance Writers of America, Toastmasters International (Area Governor), and National League of American Penwomen, as well as several other writers' organizations. Readers can contact the author through her website, where excerpts from her work are posted: www.joycemoorebooks.com.

The Tapestry Shop
By Joyce Elson Moore
Published by Five Star, a part of Cengage Learning
October 2010 / $25.95 / Historical Fiction
ISBN 918-1-59414-899-6

And here's what I say: I enjoyed this book. About halfway through reading it, I misplaced the book for a few hours and I was very upset not knowing exactly how it ended (I was quite relieved when I found it). I'll give the author that... she definitely kept me guessing. The pace was good and I generally liked the characters. There was something about the heroine in this story that turned me off a little bit. I'm not really sure what it is, but perhaps it was simply her naiveness. How she made decisions based on completely ludicrous ideas. But, I must remember that this was the 1200's and people did think like that back then. And really, I did like her and genuinely wanted to make sure she was happy. So overall, an interesting read.

House... Part 1

2010-11-12T16:46:00.000-07:00

In 12 years of marriage, this is the first time that Brian and I have lived in a stand alone house... aside from the little cabin we rented our first full summer together. But that's a whole other story.

The house is 30 years old and it's safe to say that we will be making some changes. We've not fully unpacked. We're waiting on some furniture. We're in a general disarray. But here are a few pics to give you a bit of an idea of where we're at right now.

Welcome to our home.

Come on in, there's plenty of room for your boots.

This is our living room that's really a piano room or computer room or play room. We still have some unpacking to do.

This is the kitchen. It's all unpacked and I'm feeling pretty comfortable in it. Looking forward to getting some serious baking going on in there. Soon. Very soon.

This is where we eat. We're hoping one day to knock that wall on the left that connects with the kitchen and make it one big kitchen/eating area. Yes, and perhaps change that light fixture. Oh, and get a new dining room table. The one you see here is the foldable kind.

More pictures to follow. But at least you all know that I have a place to eat.

Locked!

2010-11-10T12:34:00.002-07:00

I was loading the van this morning with my things. My purse. My gym bag. My book. All things to help me pass the time while the kids are in school this morning and Will was at an appointment. The kids' backpacks were packed and I was about to call in to them to start getting their coats and boots on, when it happened.

I shut the door to the van and I heard the door lock.

My keys were in my purse. Which was in the van. I was locked out.

I still don't know how the door locked, but it did.

It was a horrible realization as I pictured a day at home with the kids. Not that being at home with the kids is bad, but they were supposed to be in school. And Will had a couple special things going on at school that he did NOT want to miss.

It then occurred to me that I could call roadside assistance and they could get me back into my van. So I did and a half hour later I was on my way, but not before I had myself a little bit of a cry and wrote an angry status update on Facebook. Will was only 8 minutes late for his appointment and the younger kids got to school only missing a couple of things.

I found myself feeling very thankful as I was on the phone with Will's counselor before the tow truck came and she offered to waive the fee today, even without the 24h notice that she requires for cancelled appointments. She said sometimes things happen for a reason and she understood. The grace she showed me was a beautiful thing.

Maybe it did happen for a reason. It sure seemed like it to me as the door locked so unexpectedly and without an obvious cause.

Regardless of whether it did or not, I'm just glad its over and hope it never happens again.

It's November

2010-11-05T18:15:00.000-06:00

It's already November. And we're 5 days into it. Huh. How did that happen?

Life's been crazy lately as we were unexpectly out of town last week. And I didn't have my camera around for Halloween and missed all the cute dressed-upedness. So I don't have one picture to share of my kids.

But that's okay... I guess. Maybe I'll have to dress them up again and try to get some shots. I'm sure that would go over real well.

My little family continues to figure out our new normal in our new-to-us house and slowly we're getting more settled. But really? My life still feels like utter chaos. And Finleigh has become a huge challenge behaviorally. Things seemed to be getting better, but now they're worse.

Now, maybe if I can find my camera in this mess, I will take some pictures and share my new surroundings. But that's a tomorrow project. Today's already full.

Might be my favorite doctor appointment yet...

2010-10-27T20:51:00.000-06:00

As I mentioned the other day, Finleigh had an appointment with the developmental pediatrician yesterday and aside from running really, really late, I found that it was really good. One might even say great. We got no answers, but what we did get was a promise to do what they could to find out what it is Finleigh might have. No one's ever said that to us before. In fact to quote him, he said, "We'll get this figured out soon." I'm not sure what soon means, but I hope we have the same definition of soon.

We'll be heading down to the big city in the (hopefully) near future to see a bunch of different teams concerning motor, behavioral and psychological and after each of them assesses Finleigh, they will discuss her and hopefully come up with... wait for it... an answer!!!

Can you imagine, actually having a name for what Finleigh has? Besides "Global Developmental Delay of Unknown Etiology"? It would be heaven, regardless of what it was.

His first comment about Finleigh was that she was a puzzle. Yes, yes she is, we responded. We chatted for awhile. We talked about the tube feeding. We were in the very first specialist appointment ever (aside from our own pediatrician) where we didn't feel rushed, even if he was running very behind.

His sense? And of course, he can't tell us anything concrete until the proper assessments have been done, but he seemed pretty confident. His sense is that Finleigh has oral dyspraxia. It seems to fit, but then really many of the other things that have been suggested to us (or she's been tested for) have seemed to fit too. So I won't get too attached to this one, but compared to some of the other possibilities we've been faced with over the years, this one is okay.

I have a feeling this is the one.

Oh, and he's pretty confident she's not autistic (which is actually his specialty) but we'll do a formal assessment to rule it out anyways. And he also doesn't think her intelligence is as behind as it seems (big smiley face for me on this one).

Ya, I really do think this just might be my favorite doctor appointment yet.

The Land of Chaos

2010-10-26T01:43:00.000-06:00

Hello. My name is Amanda. And I live in the land of chaos.

Or so it would seem.

Or is it the land of "absolutely nothing is going to go right because that would be much too easy and the universe is out to make sure my anxiety levels never go back to normal ever again"?

To be fair to the universe, it was me that chose to move.

But still... when the police shut down the moving truck rental place the day BEFORE you're due to pick up your moving truck because of a zoning violation, it gives one pause to ponder. 3 1/2 hours to be exact. And when my husband goes all over town trying to track down the truck that is now being managed by a new (and seemingly incompetent) fool... errr.... I mean manager and then gets charged double what he should have instead of being given a promised discount... you shake your head.

But to be fair to the universe, the move went relatively smoothly - even if all the boxes got dumped in the garage instead of in the rooms they were labeled with because it was so late and people had places to be and so I've had to continue to move full boxes and we still can't park in our garage now that there's snow (or almost snow) outside.

Then on the very same day, when I order pizza for everyone and the person taking my order even insists on calling me back to confirm the order because it's a pretty big order and then it's made in the wrong town, 8 hours away, just because our street name shares the name with the town, one may sigh an exasperated sigh because it was 7 o'clock before we finally fed our poor kids and hungry people that helped us move.

In all fairness, however, we saved 50% off our order when the mistake was discovered.

And when my husband calls me downstairs and points out a huge puddle of water on the floor thanks to a leaking facet in our laundry room, I'll admit I let out an expletive or two.

But to be fair, I find myself to be a lucky lady because 1) my husband knew how to turn off the offending water and 2) he fixed it lickety split after buying the needed supplies and I now have a much nicer faucet. And I am terribly grateful that I have a sink beside my washing machine cuz I've never had one of those before... now I just need to buy a plug for it so I can soak things in it.

Then I tripped on my driveway and scraped my knee and hand.

I can however still walk.

And when I hurt my hip trying to help my husband move his long coveted pool table into the basement because all the men we knew already had plans that day, I let out a tear or two and then called my dad who (hip hip hooray) now lives only 5 minutes away (if that) and happened to be running a couple errands for my mom who was packing to catch a plane in a few hours and was able to stop on the way home to help my husband carry that blasted slate.

And again I say, I can however, still walk.

And the carpet downstairs smells really awful. We need to get it cleaned.

Speaking of getting carpets cleaned, I may have almost nearly lost it this morning as I was trying to madly clean our old house (or as Nate says - previous house) before the new owner takes possession on Friday when the carpet cleaners did not show up this morning as expected. After two phone calls to the esteemed place of business, we found out that the person who was supposed to clean our almost-no-longer-ours carpets was in the hospital.

How can I be mad at that??? The guy's in the hospital. At least I'm not in the hospital. And we now have an appointment for Thursday at 3:30. And they promise the carpets will be dry in time for possession.

I practiced my breathing today as I was on my cell phone to our telephone service provider, looking to see if we would ever get phone service to our new home. It was supposed to be changed over on Friday and on Monday, they were still unable to provide it and now we must wait around tomorrow - sometime between 9 and 5 - for someone to come and physically fix it. Except that since we have appointments tomorrow we won't necessarily be here.

But to be fair, it's not all bad. At least we have cell phones (even if mine keeps shutting down on it's own and I miss all sorts of calls) and we can check our messages from those cell phones.

And were that not enough for my already full brain to comprehend, I ran into the vice principal at the end of the day today who had a paper for me to sign regarding an appointment for Finleigh tomorrow at 4:30 with the developmental pediatrician who we've been waiting for since June. I had no previous knowledge of this appointment, but luckily Will's counseling appointment ends at 4:20 and is only 5 minutes away, so we should be able to make it okay.

To be fair, that should work out well. Or it would except that my beautiful, darling daughter fell asleep just before supper and refused to wake up until 11:30 pm just as I was lying my head on my dear, dear, underused pillow. So, now who knows how tomorrow will go, especially since she has swimming in the morning with the school.

But to be fair... I was the one who kept her awake when she could have been napping because we were at our "previous" house trying desperately to make it clean enough to meet the expectation set in our contract of sale. And my husband, who had been asleep, offered to get up with her but I told him that was silly because tomorrow was his last day at home before he had to got back to work for 6 12 hour shifts and he needed his sleep. To which my husband told me that I am a wonderful wife and a really great mother, which feels nice to hear even if I doubt it's accuracy.

The cleaning is still not done, by the way.

Really though, the kids seem to be adjusting well. Even if Willem, who has some sort of skin irritation on his face and won't let my put some cream on it to help it because he wants his skin to heal it naturally, threatened last night to secede (his word, not mine) from the family if I did not consider changing his bedtime. And even if Nate is peeing very often and making me wonder if he has a bladder infection or something worse, which means a trip to the doctor soon, me thinks.

Finleigh, despite crying and waking up the entire family the first night we were in our new house, actually slept all the way through the night last night and didn't get out of bed before 6 am. That hasn't happened in months and months. Our new neighborhood is very quiet. Our old one wasn't. Maybe that helps.

And now, Complainy Complainerson here will stop her griping and go sit with her daughter and watch her as she watches her 500th episode of Toopy and Binoo , which would be a much more pleasant endeavor if I could find the novel I'd started reading before the move. But I can't. I can find the novel that was sitting on top or the novel I was reading before we moved, but I can't find the actual novel. And I believe I may be missing a review book too. Huh. I'm sure I'll find it eventually. (I had to get one more complain in there)

Good night, sweet friends. Good night.

Count Down

2010-10-19T15:03:00.000-06:00

The countdown is on. We move on Friday. I've been packing and organizing and trying to keep up with life. We've been to the lawyers to sign the necessary papers. We've called to move all our essential services. We've sorted and sorted and sorted. We've been to the doctor where we found out that Finleigh has very low iron, which could be causing her sleeping issues, so we have her on iron supplements (along with a little something to help ensure no constipation). And I got some eczema cream while I was there too. We've voted in our municipal elections after spending hours on the computer researching everyone's platforms and going to a debate. We spent a weekend with my family for Thanksgiving. Oh, and did I mention I've been packing?

Yes, I think it's fair to say I've been doing a little bit of packing.

I can't, can't, can't wait to be settled in. And to show you all my new home.

Until then...

Anti....

2010-10-13T10:02:00.000-06:00

I'm not sure if I should be worried about my growing antisocial tendencies or not. When Will was in Kindergarten, I was all over trying to make conversation with parents and tried my best to make friends with all the moms and dads as we waited for the bell to ring and our little 4 and 5 year olds to file into class. I wanted to know all the kids' names and all the parents' names and I even hoped that one or two of the moms would become actual friends that I could go out for coffee with or something.

Fast forward 4 years and I find myself a completely different person. I still try to smile and be friendly and if I already know someone, I may chat with them, but now if I can avoid a conversation, I do. And once the bell rings, instead of walking slowly out of the school and making comments to other moms, it's all I can do not to run out of there. In fact, just today, I walked out of the school at the same time as a mom who walks the same way as me and I immediately walked faster, just so I wouldn't have to talk to her.

I get that it's uncool, and really out of character for me... but that's what it is.

It leaves me wondering why I want to avoid other very sweet, friendly moms. And why I am making next to no effort to learn their kids' names.

Perhaps I'm jealous of those other moms who's little darlings can talk up a blue streak and develop at an enviably normal rate. I don't think so, but there may be an element of that in it. I mean, after all, I do find some of the conversations I hear irritating. They seem shallow and silly, but really who am I to judge?

Or maybe it's because I continue to age and the other moms come in all young and fresh to the school experience. Is it just me, or do the other moms that have kids in older grades tend to be less talkative too?

I'm leaning towards thinking, however, that school now represents a stressful place for me. When Will was in Kindergarten, I was blissfully unaware of what school would throw at us. Ya, sure Finleigh was tube fed and increasingly falling behind her developmental milestones, but that was as far as it went. In the time that she should have begun walking and saying her first words, she was still cuddled up in the baby carrier, unable to hold up her head - but that had nothing to do with school.

Then things started changing... Will was recognized as gifted with a little bit of need in the social department. Then he started having a lot of difficulty in class. Then they started taking him to the sensory room. Then he was tested as probable Aspergers Syndrome and is awaiting an appointment with a developmental pediatrician to confirm. Nate, though clever and well behaved in school is mildly/moderately delayed both physically and in his speech. Finleigh, well, Finleigh has a full-time aid, still isn't talking, acts more like a 2 year old than a 3 1/2 year old and makes sure than everybody is watching us all the time - whether due to how cute she is or little compared to the other kids or her negative (and loud) behaviour.

School seems to serve as the place where we discover all that is wrong with my children. It really is a lot of fun.

(Do we detect a bit of self pity here? Perhaps. I am working on that.)

But now, instead of enjoying the picking up and dropping off of my school kids as one of the only social times in my day, I find myself looking forward to that day when I can send my kids to school on their own.

We've been blaming Will's antisocial tendencies on Brian's genetics since he really isn't that into spending time with people, but I'm beginning to wonder if a piece of it doesn't just come from me too.

The Nativity Collection by Robert J. Morgan - A Review

2010-10-12T19:38:00.000-06:00

The Nativity Collection is a small gift book that contains a collection of 6 heart warming, Christmas short stories. Each story centers around a Nativity and tells of vastly different people in vastly different situations during different times. These stories are directed to adults, but could be read to almost any age.

This is a lovely little collection of short stories. The stories are Christmas and Christ oriented and made me smile. The message is clear and inspiring. In terms of the way it looks, I like the way it looks on the inside. There are many pictures that add visual interest and are nicely done. The inside of the book has a much different aesthetic than the outside. The exterior of the book is a little masculine for me to give as a gift book, though I do think it's nicer with the dust cover off. Over all, a nice book to read or give at Christmas .

Thank you to BookSneeze for sending me this book free of charge in exchange for an impartial review.

City of Tranquil Light - A Review

2010-10-07T12:46:00.001-06:00

From Marketing: City Of Tranquil Light takes place in historical

China

and was inspired by the lives of Bo’s grandparents (view photo gallery). At the center of the novel are Will and Katherine, two Mennonite missionaries from the heartland, who have come to

China

because they feel called by God to serve the poor and spread the Good News. But this is more than a missionary story; it is really the portrait of a marriage set against the backdrop of a radically shifting nation that is plunging into revolution.

Her deft touch with issues of faith has been compared to Marilynne Robinson’s and her ability to bring historical China to vivid life is like that of Janice Y. K. Lee and Anchee Min. City Of Tranquil Light is a tender and elegiac portrait of a young married couple and what they must endure in the chaotic beauty of pre–Communist Revolution China.

What did I think? This book read like an autobiography. As I started to read through the book, I felt like I was in bible college again reading just another missionary's autobiography. However this story held my attention and I quickly became attached to the characters. City Of Tranquil Light is a bitter sweet story, which brought tears to my eyes in a few places near the end. I enjoyed reading this novel.

Thank you to Henry Holt and Company for sending me this free book to review.

Things I love

2010-10-05T07:10:00.000-06:00

After my whiney post yesterday... here are some things I love.

I love that my 5 year old son can unload the dishwasher and will readily do it for a quarter.

Despite how much I hate dragging my sorry butt out of bed early, I love getting up early and having time to collect myself before the day starts.

I love a nice, warm cup of coffee with cream.

I love that I have 3 books sitting on my desk right now to read. 2 to review and 1 for a book club. And that I just finished some novels my dad lent me months ago. I love reading and I'm so glad I'm reading again. It's a part of myself I let go years before and I'm happy to find it again.

Even though I HATE Finny's tantrums, I love the quiet and calm that comes after.

I love that Will is obsessed with hydrogen energy right now and that I had a hard time getting him to bed last night because he kept telling me about the benefits of using hydrogen as an energy source.

I love that Finleigh is finally starting to follow spoken directions.

I love having people I can bounce ideas off of and know that they will give me the benefit of the doubt if I'm a little off. Yes, I love being given the benefit of the doubt.

I love that everyday is a new day.

So, that's it. My attempt at thankfulness this morning instead of complaining.

Have a good day...

Twitch

2010-10-04T10:15:00.000-06:00

My eye twitch is back. I'm not sure why.

Perhaps it has something to do with the number looking back up at me on the scale this morning. And my deep fear that I will once again gain all the weight I worked so hard to lose. So that I can stamp a great big, red FAIL to my forehead. Because I just can't seem to get myself back on track.

Or maybe it has something to do with the dream I woke up to this morning where I let Finleigh have this brain surgery that would make her all better (and by better I mean "normal" or caught up or at least talking) and she died on the operating table. If that doesn't tell me about how conflicted I am, I'm not sure what does. I guess I have issues. That was a crappy dream. And for the record, I don't want her to die.

Or maybe it's the realization that I'm moving in less than 3 weeks and I have a whole lot to do. And then I'm going to have to start driving my kids to school, which is really going to suck. What the hell are we doing???

Or maybe it's the disaster that is my house. I know I'm packing, but do we need to have stuff EVERYWHERE?

This post is sounding much more upsetting than I really am. Honest. The sky is blue and I'm going to go for a walk now while the kids are in school. And enjoy God's creation and regroup.

Just sayin'... my eye twitch is back.

Weighted Blanket?

2010-10-03T09:31:00.001-06:00

The only thing that is consistent about my daughter is that she's inconsistent. She is not a particularly predictable child. With my boys? I can always kind of gauge how they are going to react to certain situations. With Finleigh? There's usually 2 or 3 different ways she may react depending on factors that I have not yet quite figured out. So because of this, sleep - as I've mention before - is tough with her right now.

It is not unusual for her to wake up 3 times per night. Her doc suggested melatonin. It helps a little bit so that she only wakes up 1 or 2 times a night, but hasn't really solved the problem. So back to square one. We're waiting to hear how her iron levels are because apparently low iron can cause sleep issues.

Brian and I are struggling to know how to handle this. Our boys are both excellent sleepers and very rarely ever woke up during the night. And if they did, we just put them back to bed. Simple as that. Finleigh doesn't tend to go back to sleep so easily and we are left with a quandary. Do we stay with her till she falls asleep? Do we let her cry it out. Do we snuggle her in our bed? All of these strategies work sometimes, but none of them work all the time. Not one.

She's ruined two CD players along with countless CD's, so music or nature sounds aren't an option with her right now.

Having a fan in there would be a disaster, she'd have it taken apart in no time.

We've tried pitch dark or a night light.

We put her in really warm sleepers or cool pajamas.

Getting a twin bed didn't help. I think it may be too soft.

Every once in a while, I kinda lie on her. I get on my elbows and knees and let my torso press down on her a little bit. You know, Temple Grandin hug machine style. Last night she fell right back to sleep when I did that. I know that seems odd and weird. I am thinking that the sleep issue may be related to sensory issues.

So that makes me think we should try a weighted blanket. But since she's so inconsistent, I'm loathe to fork out $150 on something that she may or may not like. She rarely lets us put covers on top of her anyways, so I really wonder if this would help, but then she doesn't really like to snuggle at bedtime that much and will let me lie on top of her. So, you know, it may be worth a shot.

A cursory glance online leaves me not really liking my options out there, so I thought I could make my own for her. Any advice out there about how to use one or what works best? I think right now just a heavy blanket would be our best option since I think she'd pull the weights out of one with pockets.

I'm not sure what exactly to do right now, but what I do know for sure? That I would really love a full night's sleep again.

Ya, that would be really great.

The Waiting is Over

2010-09-24T15:49:00.000-06:00

After what was one of the hardest weeks of my entire life, the waiting is over.

Our house has sold and now we can move.

I've learned a lot about anxiety this week and how I deal with different types of stress.

Thanks for all your encouraging comments this week.

Still Waiting... no, not kidding

2010-09-23T15:26:00.000-06:00

I've not felt like blogging much this week. Nope. Not even a little bit, so quiet I've been.

Selling this house has turning into a bit of a nightmare. We received an offer after the first showing, which was 3 days after we listed. That was good.

But now it's crap.

We were supposed to have conditions removed Monday. Now it's Thursday and we won't know until tomorrow.

Luckily we have a real estate agent that won't take no for an answer and will get this place sold.

I hope.

Still Waiting

2010-09-21T09:45:00.000-06:00

Due to events beyond my control, we're still waiting.

Long story short, we've extended the date for our buyer to remove her conditions. What a disappointment. But it's all good.

I guess.

I hope we don't lose this house.

Waiting

2010-09-20T09:10:00.000-06:00

We're buying a house. Well, we're trying anyways. We put an offer in last week conditional on the sale of our current townhouse, and it was accepted. Then we got an offer on our current home. Excellent. But now is the waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

At first we had trouble securing our mortgage. We found that out last Thursday and had to wait all the way until Monday to know that we got it.

Then came the house inspections. Nothing too horrible, but stressful nonetheless.

And now there is an apparent glitch with the buyer's mortgage. I found that out on Friday and now today is Monday. The glitch is about our building and if she can't get a mortgage for this place, it may make it difficult to sell to anyone.

The waiting is KILLING me.

But, the conditions need to be removed today. By 9 pm tonight, we will know for sure if the deal's gone through. Then I can stop waiting. I hope. You know, if the deal goes through. And then I can start doing instead of waiting. I'm much better at doing.

Or the deal may fall apart and we'll be back to waiting again.

Ugh. This is terribly hard.

Inspired

2010-09-18T09:55:00.000-06:00

I've not had much time on the computer lately. Between my own busy-ness and the computer demands of the three males in my house, my computer time seems to be limited to a quick check of Facebook and reading my friends' blogs.

This morning, however, my dear husband is at a course for 10 hours and my boys, who are limited to 1 hour each, are upstairs filling the time until I'm ready to relinquish my "screen time" as it's so fondly called in our house. So, I'm able to peruse through the lovely design blogs that I like to read. I've been so inspired as I pour over lovely picture after lovely picture. (I found a cake plate that I MUST have.)

Quite frankly, I feel refreshed.

And inspired. Did I mention I'm feeling inspired?

Inspired to actually get serious about losing this weight that keeps creeping up. I found a picture that reminds me of what I looked like when my weight was 30 pounds lower, and I'd dearly like to look and feel like that again. So, I've got it sitting on my desktop where I can see it.

I've used the craziness in my life as an excuse for ignoring my health and my waistline, but I'm tired of it. I feel as though my perspective has changed a bit today.

Also, my treadmill should be back up and running by Monday. I'm very excited about that. We've had and unseasonably wet September so far and even had SNOW one day, so while it's not a good excuse, it's kept me from running. The weather excuse will be gone and hopefully life will gain a little bit more normality soon too.

So here's to feeling refreshed, however long it lasts (5 minutes) and inspired.

Happy Birthday?

2010-09-15T00:08:00.000-06:00

A portrait of a birthday morning:

Someone doesn't like cameras. Can you guess who?

For more Special Exposures, go here.

Willipedia - Eight

2010-09-14T09:24:00.000-06:00

Somebody had a birthday yesterday. And now he's 8. And because no birthday in our house is complete without some elaborate cake...

He's got his birthday routine down so well, that he picked up the cake to pose with it before I'd even asked him to. He had fun, I think. We played Scrabble and Wii and ate pancakes and waffles and toast and eggs and bacon.

His teacher sent home a birthday journal for him to write in last night to talk about his birthday. He wasn't real excited about doing that and this morning when he was sitting down to write, he wondered aloud if this was actually part of the school curriculum.

Guess what? The birthday journal is still blank. Sorry teacher, we'll try again tonight.

The funny thing is, I knew he wasn't gonna want to do it. When I saw the notebook, I thought, oh great... he's getting extra work on his birthday, that should go over well. Yes, I do know my son well.

And I love him dearly.

Willipedia - Other Kids Edition

2010-09-09T09:10:00.001-06:00

In the hallway at school, Willem high-fived another boy (that I didn't recognize) as he passed the other way. After Will was out of earshot, the boy said to his mom. "That guy knows everything!"

My son's getting a real reputation.

The Boy Who Changed the World, by Andy Andrews - A Review

2010-09-07T08:32:00.000-06:00

The Boy Who Changed the World is an inspiring book that tells the true story (as far as I know) of 3 men who made a big difference in the world. The illustrations are lovely and interesting. The story is well told. I read this book with my 5 year old and he enjoyed it. For awhile afterwards, he was talking about how he could change the world. I love that way of thinking and I love that my son might grow up thinking about what kind of impact he can make in the world.

Thank you to Booksneeze who provided a free Ebook copy of this book in exchange for an impartial review.

We should do something about that

2010-09-06T09:40:00.000-06:00

It's cool and rainy here. My kids seem to have a bit of a problem with rain. It's like they'll melt or something. I mean, the boys don't even have hair that will frizz up if it gets wet, but heaven forbid they walk outside without their hood on. And they sure don't like to be cold.

Nate, my northern Canadian boy is so used to summer, such that it was this year, that he's not yet acclimatized to the fall temperatures. This is proven by the comment he made last night as we were getting into the van as the sky rained down on us:

"Why does God make the world [cold] like this? We should talk to him about that!"

Which we fully encourage him to do. But if this is cold, winter is going to be horrible.

Grade 3

2010-09-05T08:05:00.000-06:00

I've not been on the computer much lately. Posting may be spotty over the next few months. But since I'm up early with the kids this morning, I have a bit of time before the day starts.

So, school's started. For Will, that means Grade 3. Grade THREE. I remember quite a bit from grade 3. Do you? I do. And now, here is my son in his last year of primary.

In an attempt to make this year go a little smoother than last year (hoping that we can avoid some of the side effects like facial ticks and withdrawal), I made an effort to meet with his teacher before school started last week. It was a bit of a pain to get ahold of her and I felt like a real obnoxious parent, but I felt it was necessary. I've sat back the last few years, assuming that the teacher knows what's best for my kids and will do what they need to do, but those assumptions did not work out for us. So this year, I was proactive.

The teacher graciously met with me and we talked for an hour. I walked in there with all my notes and tried to explain my son as best I could. I'm not asking for special treatment, but he does need special considerations. She knows him a bit from years previous and she was prepared for what I had to say. She was open. And she had some fantastic ideas. And I think it may be possible that she gets my son.

It also helps that there are only 15 kids in his class this year and that she has a TA, or EA depending on where you're from. Willem's comment when I told him there was an assistant in his class? It's not for me, is it?

No hun. Not for you.

Phew!

Poor kid. He gets that he's different.

I made it clear to her that I don't want his IPP's (ILP in other places?) to only focus on the negative, as they have in the past. I warned her what would happen if he wasn't challenged in the way he needed to be. I passed on some information that might help with him and offered to be available and do what she needs to make sure my son get proper enrichment. I showed her some of his work from last year. When we were done, she thanked me for coming in.

She thanked me??? I wanted to hug her just for being open to hearing what I had to say, and she thanked me.

The first week of school went smoothly. This might just be a good year.

It's a nice thing, when your kid's teacher comes up to you in the hallway, excited about something you child has done. Like on Wednesday when he'd been doing a math worksheet. You know the ones where the sums equal a letter and then you figure out a phrase from those? Ya, those ones. When he was done, she offered him a couple things to do while the rest of the class was finishing. When he didn't bite ('cuz I'm assuming they all sounded like extra work to him), she suggested he make up his own math sheet and phrase. Which he did in a matter of minutes. The phrase? "You are a great teacher".

And he's right, she is. She took the school work deeper for him, which is all that he needs. Okay, good. you understand adding? Perfect. Now show me in a different way that you enjoy.

She even made a photocopy for herself, to keep, she was than impressed with it. And I'm so impressed with her.

You see? Don't put a box around my son and you may be surprised with where he can fly.

First days - In photograph

2010-09-02T13:28:00.000-06:00

Hooray! School has begun. I used to LOVE the beginning of school when I was a kid. So far my kids do too. I'm glad.

Will could be bitter about school, but so far he's not. And this year, I think his teacher is going to be fantastic, which is a relief. More on that another day though. Also? He seems to have trouble putting up his fingers to signal grade 3.

Nate: Kindergarten. Finn: EEP (early entry program).

Notice that we didn't pose outside for these two who started 2 days later than their big bro? Partly because it was 6 C outside.

Partly because... well... someone got really tired of the camera, really quick. This is the nicest backpack picture I managed to procure. The rest consist of her rolling around on the floor.

Sigh. I guess there's always next year. I did get her smiling once.

And since everyone's first few days of school have gone really well, how can I complain?

S'mores

2010-09-01T09:39:00.000-06:00

Summer may be over, but the memories aren't...

One of the best parts of our summer was the camping. And you can't have camping without S'mores!

For more Special Exposures and Wordless Wednesdays go here or here.

Control

2010-08-31T14:31:00.000-06:00

One of the worst parts about putting this weight back on (30 lbs and counting), is not so much the getting fat part - although I hate the getting fat part. It's not even that I can't wear all my favorite clothes. Worse than that, is the loss of control.

I can't control what goes in my mouth and in my life, there are days when I feel like I have precious little control over anything else.

My daughter has a tantrum over a seemingly benign thing. I have no control.

My son struggles in school and gets grades that he doesn't deserve. I have no control.

My daughter is up at 1 a.m. every single night - even though she's been sleeping through the night for years. I have no control.

And she can't talk yet. Not even a little bit of control.

I don't even have control over the money that comes into our house. I do the budgeting, so I have control over how it goes out. But in? That's all on my husband. The only way I'd have control is if I got a job of my own, and that's just not worth it right now. So, I've resigned control.

I can work to make these things better. I can research, read, go to counseling, talk to the principal or teachers. I can try my best to improve the situation, but in the middle of the tantrum I can't control how my daughter acts. So then I do damage control... a form of control, but not one I like. I like to be preemptive. That's what I like. Preemptivity (ya, ya, I know it's not a word. But it should be).

So, when something that I should be able to control - my actions - is out of control, it leaves me feeling defeated. And I'm tired of feeling defeated. So today, as school ramps up again and the beloved, yet hated routine returns to our lives, I will take control.

There may always be that nagging thought in the back of my mind wondering when I'm going to lose control again, but I have to try. The eating I've been doing is just not worth the consequences. Think I can remember that in the middle of a binge? Or better yet, before it starts?

I'm gonna have to.

Willepedia - Bored

2010-08-30T14:40:00.000-06:00

"Mom, I'm bored. So I'm going to move in slow motion. Then time will move faster compared to me."

~ Comment made by Will the Saturday before school started as the rain poured down outside.

City of Veils - A review

2010-08-28T23:15:00.000-06:00

City of Veils by Zoe Ferraris

Description from the publisher: Women in Saudi Arabia are expected to lead quiet lives circumscribed by Islamic law and tradition. But Katya, one of the few women in the medical examiner's office, is determined to make her work mean something.

When the body of a brutally beaten woman is found on the beach in Jeddah, the city's detectives are ready to dismiss the case as another unsolvable murder-chillingly common in a city where the veils of conservative Islam keep women as anonymous in life as the victim is in death. If this is another housemaid killed by her employer, finding the culprit will be all but impossible.

Only Katya is convinced that the victim can be identified and her killer found. She calls upon her friend Nayir for help, and soon discovers that the dead girl was a young filmmaker named Leila, whose controversial documentaries earned her many enemies.

With only the woman's clandestine footage as a guide, Katya and Nayir must confront the dark side of Jeddah that Leila struggled to expose: an underworld of prostitution, violence, exploitation, and jealously guarded secrets. Along the way, they form an unlikely alliance with an American woman whose husband has disappeared. Their growing search takes them from the city's car-clogged streets to the deadly vastness of the desert beyond.

In CITY OF VEILS, award-winning author Zoë Ferraris combines a thrilling, fast-paced mystery with a rare and intimate look into women's lives in the Middle East.

What did I think? City of Veils is the follow up novel to Zoe Ferraris' first book Finding Nouf (a novel which I now think I need to read). It was interesting and well paced with likable and diverse characters. I like the inner struggles the characters deal with: independent women in a conservative society, devout men struggling with their faith, Americans in a foreign country. Fascinating. A really enjoyable read.

* Thank you to Hachette Book Group for giving me this book free of charge to review.

I've been told

2010-08-28T14:36:00.001-06:00

I don't talk about my kids "issues" much to people I don't know well - unless, of course, they read my blog. It just doesn't usually pay off. They don't understand or they treat you differently.

Or they don't understand.

Did I mention that they don't understand?

Like yesterday, when I was getting my hair cut by my hair dresser that I've been going to for at least 2 years now. It was the first time since I've been going to her that I mentioned anything about my kids' school struggles - since as you all know I'm feeling a little nervous about the beginning of the year.

I wish I'd kept my mouth shut because she made me feel pretty dumb about sharing that things are difficult by downplaying my problems and upplaying everyone else's.

I made a comment about how much I hear from the teacher about behaviour, to which she replied that probably lots of parents hear about behaviour, I just don't know about it. Like her, she always got into trouble when she was in school for talking too much. AND she found school boring too.

Which I know is right. I mean, I don't know how the other kids behave and how much their parents have to deal with principals and emails and such. And I know that the more typical kids have behavioural problems too. And of course, all kids find school boring at some point.

BUT, those kids don't need to have the programs changed for them. That's what I should have said, instead of changing the subject. I have 2 children that need their teachers to make significant changes to their lesson plans. Last year, Finleigh didn't even get a real report card because she couldn't do ANYTHING on the report card the other kids got. And most kids don't have to go to counselors or see PT/OT/SLP weekly or have full time aids. Most parents don't have to attend IPP meetings either.

And no, there's no such thing as "normal" or "easy" when it comes to parenting. But there is "more typical" and "easier". Most people who know me well will readily admit that. I've gotten enough "I don't know how you do it" comments to believe that. And I'm fully aware that I have it easier that some other parents out there too.

I'm not self pitying cuz I know things aren't that bad... I'm just saying. Our issues are not the same!

So, I'll take my cue and shut up about my kids challenges, cuz I don't like feeling like a complainer (or being one for that matter).

Except here. I may continue to complain here.

Thanks and a link

2010-08-27T09:26:00.001-06:00

Thanks everyone for your nice comments about my new blog design. I've been procrastinating dealing with the rest of my life, which is why I've been playing with my blog.

If you haven't noticed - like I wouldn't - because you're reading in a reader, I've changed the blog around and added some new pages with all sorts of fascinating information about myself. Like yesterday, I added a "Bake" page. It has pictures of some of my baking on there, if you'd like to see. It took me way too long to do. Like I said... I've been procrastinating.

Even nicer than my baking page, however, is my sister's new website. Sharolyn is a budding photographer. Well, maybe even more than budding - I think she's become pretty fantastic. Check it out for yourself. If you look closely, you can even see a picture of me in there.

www.lifestilled.ca/

See? Didn't I tell you? She pretty much rocks.

Nothing but love

2010-08-26T07:14:00.004-06:00

Nate doesn't get as much screen time on the blog as my blondies do. He's my sanity. And his mostly steady nature leaves many swell my heart moments that aren't perhaps all that blog worthy. But they still leave me smiling hours, or even days later.

Like the other day when he decided to make a card for his daddy (because coloring is being creative, right mom?):

Mom, I love dad 1 million times more than any other kid loves their dad

That's a lot of love. I kinda believe him.

Time to cool off

2010-08-25T08:49:00.000-06:00

Daddy and his girl at the river, cooling off on a hot, hot day.

Click through for more Special Exposures and Wordless Wednesdays.

The Messenger of Athens - A Review

2010-08-24T07:25:00.000-06:00

The Messenger of Athens by Ann Zouroudi

The publisher's description:
Idyllic but remote, the Greek island of Thiminos seems untouched and untroubled by the modern world. So when the battered body of a young woman is discovered at the foot of a cliff, the local police - governed more by archaic rules of honor than by the law - are quick to close the case, dismissing her death as an accident.

Then a stranger arrives, uninvited, from Athens, announcing his intention to investigate further into the crime he believes has been committed. Refusing to accept the woman's death as an accident or suicide, Hermes Diaktoros sets out to uncover the truths that skulk beneath this small community's exterior.

Hermes's methods of investigation are unorthodox, and his message to the islanders is plain - tell the truth or face the consequences. Before long, he's uncovering a tale of passion, corruption and murder that entangles many of the island's residents. But Hermes brings h0is own mystery into the web of dark secrets and lies - and as he travels the rugged island landscape to investigate, questions and suspicions arise amongst the locals. Who has sent him to Thiminos, and on whose authority is he acting? And how does he know of dramas played out decades ago?

Rich in images of Greece's beautiful islands and evoking a life unknown to most outsiders, this wonderful novel leads the reader into a world where the myths of the past are not forgotten and forbidden passion still has dangerous consequences.

What did I think?

I'm on the fence on this one. I can't quite decide if I loved it or hated it. This is an exceptionally descriptive book. The author took time to describe everyone and everything... painting a vivid picture but slowing the pace down significantly. For my personal taste, I felt it was too much and quite frankly had I not been reviewing this book, I likely would have stopped reading sometime during the first 200 pages.

Also, not being Greek and not having a lot of contact with the Greek community, I found it hard to follow with all the long Greek names - and there were a lot of characters in this story. A few times I found myself flipping backward to figure out who we were talking about.

Having persevered, however, I enjoyed the ending. I did like the main character, Hermes, though I would have enjoyed more character development on him (and less on others). I liked the basic story line and the message, it just felt really, really long.

* Thanks to the Hachette Book Group for sending me a free copy to review.

Willipedia - Goin' to the movies

2010-08-23T07:13:00.000-06:00

Will's take on the structure of kids movies:

Starts out good. Then it gets bad for awhile. Then it gets good again for the happy ending.

Sounds about right. Does that mean my son watches too many movies?

Surprise!

2010-08-22T18:11:00.001-06:00

I went to the big city this weekend for a family function. I left the house in a mess. Not a disaster, necessarily, but not clean either. Dishes in the sink. Dust and fingerprints everywhere. Laundry cleaned and folded, but not put away. Books hanging off the bookshelves. Toys stuffed wherever they could fit. I don't like to leave the house like that when I go away, but sometimes when it's the choice between sleep and clean? I must choose sleep.

Especially since Brian - my husband - had to stay home for work.

When I got home, I walked in and noticed that, huh, the living room was clean. He cleaned! Then I looked into the kitchen. Spotless. Yes and not only did he clean, but he de-cluttered too. I went upstairs and noticed that the boys' room was clean and tidy... and things had been moved around.

Which meant that he'd done a lot of work because... now I have a craft room. Yes, we've (well, HE) reorganized and the previously almost unused playroom is now my very own room. And the room for the old computer which the boys like to play on.

Wow. Wow. That's all I have to say.

His comment, an hour after us being home and he's been chasing Finleigh around and dealing with her tantrums? "I'd rather clean the house."

Thank you, my husband. Now I can get through this last week and get the things I need to get done, done. In a clean house.

P.S. And he bought me flowers too.

The rest of our vacation - The picture less edition.

2010-08-20T07:25:00.001-06:00

Is 3 posts too many as I talk about my vacation?

The problem - with the rest of our vacation - is that without Doug's presence (from this post), we kept forgetting to bring out the camera. So when we went to Calaway Park, an amusement park outside of Calgary, we didn't take any pictures. To be fair, I had no idea that the kids were going to enjoy it so very much. I expected Finleigh to wig out at the noise. I expected Will and Nate to complain the entire time. But I was wrong. They LOVED it. All three of them. Willem was the biggest surprise as he did the big roller coaster twice and many other big person rides that I wouldn't touch with a 10 foot pole knowing that my stomach would rebel against me if I spun around 100 times in just a couple minutes. I did do the roller coaster with him though, which I enjoyed despite the anxiety attack that followed.

So I don't have pictures of their happy faces. Their excited expressions. Or my relief.

I also don't have pictures of the other people we managed to connect with on our trip. Like once again my sister and family. I do NOT have enough pictures of my little niece. She's adorable, friends. A-DOR-A-BLE. Or my brother and his daughter (and wife, though we didn't get to see her this time). Equally adorable and no, I don't have enough pictures of that gorgeous little one either.

Or my dear college friend Margaret who met my sister and I for lunch when we were shopping one day.

Or another dear friend Myra, who I also know from college. Except she has a blog... so at least I can give you a link and share with you her weight loss journey. She's lost almost 25 pounds now and I'm so proud of her. I got to take the morning off mommy-ing to visit with her. So nice.

Or another old college friend, Colleen - and her family. Colleen and I did music together in school and now she's one of my weight loss buddies. You can see her awesome transformation here. The neat thing about seeing Colleen and family was that it wasn't planned. We just happened to both be in Drumhellar, of all random places, on the same afternoon. So it's a double whammy with the camera here. No pictures of us together. No pictures of our boys (Nate and William) who hit it off and had a great time playing together. And no pictures of my children in all the dinosaur glory that is the Royal Tyrrell Museum which, if you haven't been to in the badlands of Southern Alberta, is HUGE and totally worth the visit. Especially if you have a 7 year old science freak in your family.

But I still have my memories. And that's something, I guess.

Still wish I had pictures.

LATE ADDITION: I now have pictures. Wish and I will receive. Here are pictures with Colleen. She just sent them. The quality's a little low on these from the emailing, but still...

It's pretty in the background right?

The boys are both going into Kindergarten this fall.

Cute!

Just ignore the bra strap

2010-08-18T07:13:00.000-06:00

I go to great lengths to hide my bra strap and yet here it is for the world to see. But isn't this a gorgeous picture of my daughter?

Yes, I say in answer to my own question, yes it is.

For more Special Exposures or Wordless Wednesdays go here or here.

More on our vacation.

2010-08-17T08:56:00.000-06:00

After our time camping with so many people, it seemed really quiet and almost lonely. It was just the 5 of us. It was so quiet (minus Finn's outbursts of course and the boys' bickering), we weren't really sure what to do with ourselves. It took a bit of time to adjust. It was kinda weird.

Then we got to see my cousin Kerry and her family. We had a great visit. I got to meet her man and her 1 year old son.

Kerry and her son Vaughn.

I hadn't met Tim or Vaughn yet, though I felt like I knew them (just a little bit) thanks to Facebook and Kerry's blog. I was glad to meet them in person. Tim's a great guy and I'm happy to have him in the family.

Tim and Vaughn

Vaughn is an incredibly good natured little guy. He was all smiles as he adventured around exploring his new surroundings.

Gosh, so squishable.

Kerry and Finn.

It was a hot, hot, HOT day when they came to visit us at the campsite where we were camping. So after eating lunch in the blazing heat - with no shade - we ducked into the motorhome and turned on the AC. I wasn't on the ball enough though, because in the middle of our visit, Finleigh suddenly threw up. We're learning that Miss Finn doesn't handle heat well. Poor Brian got it all over himself. And poor Kerry and Tim had to smell it. But they were super good natured about it and Finleigh recovered quickly.

Cousins. We wanted to get a group shot, but my kids would rather have their eyes gouged out than pose for pictures, so we settled for one of just us.

It was a great visit. Nice to catch up with my cousin, who I don't see enough. But really, I don't see many of my loved ones enough. Such is life, I suppose. But I'm getting off topic. Thanks Tim and Kerry for the visit. I'm glad you came.

Monday

2010-08-16T10:38:00.000-06:00

Gosh, I'm tired. Not so much physically tired, but mentally tired and emotionally tired. The silly thing is that I've not really been doing anything.

I suppose that could be the problem.

There are so many things I want to do and a few things I NEED to do. I'm behind in every way possible. I look around my house, see what needs doing and sigh. I manage to get a few things done, but it doesn't seem to make a difference. The undone things still outweigh my accomplishments - such that they are.

And then I try to interact with my daughter with little success leaving me to feel like such a neglectful and bad mother. I used to be such a good mom. I'd take time everyday to play with my children. I'd have activities planned. It would be good. Now, I sit at a distance and watch to make sure she doesn't hurt herself or destroy something. That seems to be my role. I'm here for hugs. I'm here for smiles. But I don't get to play or teach and that makes me sad - and emotionally tired, I suppose.

I didn't get her potty trained this summer. That was my only goal and I didn't even attempt it. I've also not got anything planned for Willem and school. I've been told I'll likely have to help the teacher with enrichment and so I need to get on that. Two weeks until school starts and I have nothing. Not sensory tools to keep him quiet in class. Not enrichment ideas or activities. I've not even started the reading I wanted to have done before I met with the teacher. My stomach is in knots just thinking about it.

Don't even get me started talking about my weight! It's out of control and I'm in real trouble. Something's gotta change and fast.

The underlying stress doesn't ever go away. I am continually doing scatterbrained things - which I hate. I'm constantly amazed at the physical toll it's taking on my body. My digestion is off. My breathing is difficult. I get aches and pains. The doctor tells me I'm healthy, therefore it must be stress/anxiety/depression. I keep waiting for it to get better, but it never does. I can't even relax enough to watch a movie. What the heck???? So, now I'm in counseling. I can't tell you how much that irks me. I hate it too. How do I feel? What am I feeling in my body? Gah. I. Hate. It. But there's obviously something to it and I want to get past this so I carry on. Not to mention that I have to go as long as Will is seeing her.

Now I'm getting whiny, so I will stop. This post is much longer than I'd planned (I was just going to tell you I was tired). Things that need to get done will get done. They always do. But I still wish I could be a supermom.

Love - Guest Post by My Husband

2010-08-13T11:17:00.000-06:00

It's my husband Brian's birthday. In honor of this, I asked him if I could post what's below. The family he's writing about here is the family I talked about yesterday. Now, over to Brian:

I'm going to try not to muddle this up with too many words...

We spent some time camping with a wonderful family - the four of us adults have known each other since Bible College some 12-15 years ago. We have in common the struggles and joys of raising three exceptional and challenging children. It was nothing short of a blessing to spend time with them and I hope we can do so again soon.

Our two oldest boys enjoyed watching things burn in the campfire. On one occasion they tossed in both a large stack of paper, which I had set aside to start the fires, and a glass bottle to see what would happen to it in the heat. They watched the papers burn but had to wait until the next day to see the results of their experiment. Here's what remained after the other dad and I fished it out of the coals before dousing the fire...

Impressive, isn't it?

I've spent many long hours reading through the word of God (Bible) and it's largely been an academic and tedious exercise, rarely evoking any type of emotional response. It's a different story when God sends a message in a more direct and tangible fashion. In my opinion, there are some things that are just too statistically improbable to be considered the result of chance. Our existence on earth happens to be one of them. This bottle happens to be another. There is only one word visible through the charred, melted glass.

I can't say what the odds of such an occurrence are but I've seen and felt the heat of enough fires to remain unconvinced that this carries anything but the aroma of divine intervention. There is no other word that so succinctly summarizes the craving of the human soul - whether it be the poor saps on The Bachelorette looking for the one, the desire of the gay community in general, or the abused family member who insists on giving their abuser just one more chance.

love.

It's the one redeeming quality of God's grand social experiment.

It's the only thing worth dying for.

It's the only thing worth living for.

- Brian

It really was amazing to see that one word written in the glass. This picture almost doesn't do it justice because it was so clear and obvious. Love. Can you see it in the picture above?

Friends

2010-08-12T15:53:00.000-06:00

I'd like to tell you a little about my summer vacation. We rented a motorhome and headed out around Alberta. We were lucky enough to get to connect with some great people. The first were our dear friends, Doug and Tara. We know Doug and Tara from college. We all knew each other separately first before any dating or marrying went on. And then we left school, got married and didn't talk to each other again until a couple years ago when we reconnected on Facebook.

Two friends, beat down (just a bit) by life and motherhood. Enjoying some downtime. And some joke or something. I think, personally, that Tara's just laughing at my obnoxious laugh.

We've been amazed a few times by how similarly our families seem to be developing. Their oldest, Aiden, has been diagnosed with Aspergers and ADHD. They have issues at school similar to the issues we have at school with Will, who is also being looked at for Aspergers (even though the boys are pretty opposite in personality and interests) and they're just a couple months apart in age. We have lovable, clever middle boys who we're terrified to lose between the cracks. We have 3 year old blond daughters, both as stubborn as the day is long (just like their moms, I'm thinking).

The 6 kids. Front Row: Finleigh, Olivia, Aiden, Nate. Back Row: Owen, Willem.

Because anyone that knows us would never, ever think that either Tara or I are stubborn. Nope. Not us. Not ever.

Or sarcastic. For sure not sarcastic.

But I digress.

Us families met up and went camping for a few days in the mountains. Picture it, we haven't seen each other in 12 or so years and then all of a sudden we are camping together at a campsite with no running water. Which means no showers. That's gotta mean we're good friends, right?

The men.

We got to meet each other's kids, who I felt like I already knew anyways. And the kids played together, for the most part, with very little trouble.

The girls, hanging around. Checking stuff out. See the height difference? Finn's only 2 months younger than Olivia.

The girls, playing along side each other in the girly toy tent.

Boys + DS = quiet.

To be fair, the boys did a lot of other stuff together besides play on their DS's, but I didn't get pictures of that. They spent a lot of time in the Lego tent too. And bike riding. And exploring.

We also got to see another couple from college. Glen and Colleen. We hadn't seen them in years and years. We met their 3 girls. It was nice to catch up. They've always been a great couple.

It almost felt like we took over the campground. Here we are, one big happy group. I've adopted Aiden by this point.

Doug playing frisbee with Finleigh.

Tara is very open about her struggles as a mother and pastor's wife on her blog. People appreciate her openness and honesty and willingness to let people in without concerning herself with her image. Which sometimes opens her up to criticism and judgement. When I knew them in college 15 years ago, they had strong characters. Now seeing them again, they still have strong characters. Beyond that, they are great parents and I thought they handled their kids beautifully. Their children are lucky to have them as parents. I count myself lucky to have them as friends too.

Come on. SO adorable.

There is something special about being with friends that you've known for so long. College was different for me. I made friends there at a quality and depth that I've not quite been able to duplicate since. We could sit and be quiet and comfortable and that was okay. Except it wasn't because we wanted to jam in as much conversation as we could before they left to go back to their home on the OTHER SIDE of the country. And Canada is a big country, my friends, a very big country.

Me and Tara... with the girls... cuz they didn't want to be put down.

And since we've been through such similar things as parents, we were able to relax and not worry about being judged about how we were parenting. Because we knew each other understood.

One of my favorite pictures of this family. Doug behind the camera, of course. Poor Aiden is so upset.

It was a bit of a tearful goodbye. I wasn't pleased to see them pull away. It was especially hard to say goodbye to Aiden because goodbyes are hard for Aiden and I'd felt like we'd bonded just a little. He's a sweet, sweet boy and I understand why Doug and Tara fight so hard for him. All three of those little towheaded kids are sweet. Good kids. We enjoyed our time a lot.

And that, in a moderately large nutshell, was our first stop on our trip. More to come because we saw more family and friends along the way. But that is for another day.

It's MY bike and I wanna ride it...

2010-08-11T01:15:00.002-06:00

This is what could happen when you're still figuring out bike riding and your little sister tags along.

Poor Nate.

Check out more Special Exposures here or Wordless Wednesdays here.

Same Kind of Different As Me by Ron Hall & Denver Moore with Lynn Vincent: A Review

2010-08-10T08:26:00.001-06:00

Same Kind of Different As Me, by Ron Hall & Denver Moore, with Lynn Vincent. A true story written by the men who lived it. A story of redemption, second chances and devastating pain and loss. I was not prepared for what this book would be like, but it was beautiful. As these men, who had been through so much, continued to claim God's providence and goodness, I was moved. Well written, I fell in love with the people in this book. It read like fiction, so it was enjoyable to read, but because it is true, it's also inspiring. I feel as if my view of life has opened up having read this book. God forgive my arrogance. Now I need to figure out what to do with what I've read. Of all the books I've read this year, I would say this is the one I would recommend the most.

Thank you to Booksneeze who sent me this free book in exchange for my impartial review.

Treehouse or bust

2010-08-10T07:39:00.001-06:00

I woke up this morning to the TV on in my room. And a little girl trying to kiss my face off. Pretty sure she wanted me to wake up.

I'm a heavy sleeper. I missed quite a bit of what my daughter did in my room this morning. Her backpack, that's all ready and packed with her school supplies for school, had some of it's contents strewn across the floor. And she'd turned on the TV.

The TV is too high up for her to reach, so she needed to use the remote control, which was on my bedside table. As the world slowly came into focus this morning, I was surprised. I wasn't so much surprised that the TV was on, because the power button on that remote is pretty self explanatory. What I was surprised about was the channel it was on. I'd gone to sleep with the TV on channel 17 (yes I like to fall asleep to the TV when Brian's working nights and there was a cake decorating show on) and I woke up with the TV on channel 44.

44 is Treehouse. An all preschool channel. Now my question is, did she know she was turning the TV onto Treehouse? Or was 44 just an easy channel to change the TV to?

I don't know.

And what does it say about our parenting if she did it on purpose? That my child who can't talk, or who falls apart at the smallest misunderstanding knows how to turn the TV onto Treehouse? And that she knows it's on channel 44?

Why yes. Yes, we do watch a lot of TV.

(If I didn't know my child better, I might think that excessive TV watching might be why she's not talking yet, but I know it's not. That I can say for sure. Had we not a TV, would she be further along? Perhaps. Or maybe I'd be in a mental institution right now. It's hard to say.)

Or maybe, her coming into my room, searching out the remote control, turning the TV on and then changing the channel to the default channel in our house was just a fluke.

Right? It could happen.

Wishlist

2010-08-09T16:01:00.000-06:00

I think I want to buy this for my house. I figure that walking down the stairs everyday looking at this picture might be a good thing. What do you think?

Or is it maybe a little bit depressing?

Also, I like that it's printed on canvas. That's cool.

Check it out here.

12 Years

2010-08-08T08:51:00.000-06:00

12 years ago today, I got to marry this man. I wonder sometimes how on earth I had the wisdom back then, being so young, to marry such a man. A kind, caring, loving, rock. How did I know?

I'm not sure I did. Maybe it was just luck.

I love to think back to when we were first married and remember the feeling I had as we drove around in our little 1991 Honda Civic Hatchback. We were broke. We could barely afford gas for our little car. We lived on Kraft dinner. But we were happy. We were free. Our future was full of possibilities. And it was OUR future. Us. Me and him. Him and me.

It's still our future. We're still a team. And I love him more than I did the day I married him.

Life hasn't unfolded, perhaps, quite as I would have written it, but what I am grateful for is that my husband is still in my life. He supports me. He provides for me. He loves me. And I wouldn't trade that for anything. Ever.

We had a Duncan Sheik CD that we played a lot that first year we were married. My favorite song on it has these lyrics:

When I'm with you, no longer alone.

When I'm with you, feels like I'm home.

I am. I'm home.

Thanks for 12 years, my Brian. Here's to many, many more.

Willipedia - The Bathroom Edition. Eh hem.

2010-08-07T08:00:00.002-06:00

While cleaning up one of Finleigh's famous poops off the living room floor, I said to Willem, "I hate cleaning up poop."

And to my comment, he replied:

"I hate the evaporating molecules going up my nose too. Especially when it's not coming from the toilet."

I swear this child dreams in molecules.

Simple

2010-08-06T08:00:00.001-06:00

It's often the simple interactions that I long for with Finleigh. I can live with her not talking yet because I really do believe that she will one day be able to carry on a conversation with me. That will just take much patience. At least this is what I hope and pray.

Though I do wonder sometimes, even when she does talk, will she be able to communicate her emotions effectively with me?

She does show me love. She hugs me and kisses me and snuggles me when she's looking for affection. And when she's feeling happy or sad. She "woohoo's" and jumps around when she's excited. She sings when she wants to. She helps and follows simple directions. These she does on her own. On her own terms. If she wants. When she wants.

As a parent, you learn to adapt to your child. You interact with them as you need to to get through the day. But sometimes, you have a moment of sadness. Of loss. Of wishing that your child would just allow you to celebrate with her when she has a small victory.

Like this morning. Finleigh had gotten into the bathroom upstairs and had managed to spread toothpaste all over herself. As I was cleaning her up, she pointed to her eye as she looked in the mirror and said, "Eye. Eye." I smiled at her and said, "You're right Finleigh, that's your eye!"

A simple enough exchange. One that would usually elicit a prideful clap or smile from a child learning to talk.

Instead, it turned into a full blown tantrum. She did not like what I had to say. My encouragement seemed to be a discouragement or painful thing to her. The way I would naturally show my daughter love is not often allowed in our relationship.

And that, sometimes - when my guard is down and I allow myself to think what could have been - breaks my heart.

Perfection...

2010-08-05T08:00:00.001-06:00

I love the commentary on this picture. Actually, I kinda love this picture. You should go read it now. Click here.

Everything is a sensory smorgasbord.

2010-08-04T11:53:00.002-06:00

Here's Finleigh exploring on our first day of camping. Sensory input is everywhere... even grass in the mouth. I wonder how that tasted?

ENT - It's fun to visit specialists!

2010-08-03T10:00:00.000-06:00

I've been trying to get Finleigh in to see an Ear, Nose, and Throat Doc since March. Her expressive speech is in the 1st percentile and she always has slightly abnormal results when she goes for her audiology tests. She hears in the normal range, but she always seems to have negative pressure in her ears. I wondered if they could be related.

Probably not, according to the nice ENT we went to visit last week. And, of course, I knew in the back of my mind that it couldn't possibly be that easy but I hoped that some tubes or a little procedure would suddenly fix all our problems. Ya gotta hold onto something to get you through the day, right? Finleigh is, however, going to get an ABR. This will measure her auditory brainstem response. Which will tell us - I think? - if her brain is registering what she's hearing. She has to be put under. It's booked for the end of October.

That's the short version, so if you're just interested in the abridged version, stop reading here. But if you'd like to hear all the dirty details and my emotional response, settle in. You might be here a while:

If you have a young child and have an appointment, you may want to avoid booking an appointment for just before lunch. If you can at all help it, which you can't when you've been waiting and hoping for months and you're from out of town. Why, you ask? Well because in my experience, doctors (especially specialists) run late. Like ours did the other day. By almost an hour. So when you book for 11:50 am, eating before hand could be a good idea.

We weren't really thinking. I was so focused on getting to the appointment, I didn't plan and bring food. Or drinks. Or anything to entertain the kids (which I've given up doing anyways because my girl is rarely distracted by what I bring). I did happen to have my iPod in my purse, which helped keep the boys quiet, at least. To top that off, we'd been up since 5 am. We had to turn in the motorhome we'd rented that morning and we were 2 1/2 hours away from where we had to drop off the stupid thing AND we had to clean it before we dropped it off. It was a very long morning.

Hindsight tells me we should have changed our plans, but in our infinite wisdom, we figured we could do it. And we did, but not without a run to the cafeteria by Brian for drinks and a pretty major meltdown by my daughter 10 minutes before we were finally called in. So, of course, she was in perfect shape to have her ears looked in and examined.

The appointment went fairly well. He cared what we had to say and I'd brought in some copies of speech and audio testing that she'd had which ended up being useful. The boys were really good and the doctor even commented on it. That's always really nice to have happen. He looked in Finn's ears. They look normal. He said her results were relatively normal for children due the size of adenoids and things like that. He said the only thing we could do was have an ABR (see above) done. If that came back unremarkable, then the only other thing he could think of to do was get in to see the developmental pediatrician. I told him we'd started that process. He told us we were on top of things. I told him that we're trying really, really hard.

The only other thing that I remember from that appointment, besides Finleigh's copious amount of crying, was when I commented on how behind her speech is. "Compared to what?" He asked. "You're boys?" "No. Compared to everyone." And then I pointed out her speech therapy testing. No dear doctor. I'm not just another overly worried, competitive parent. My daughter has real issues.

He then filled out a form and sent me across the hospital to the audiology department to book an appointment for the ABR.

As we walked over to audiology, I was feeling pretty good about things. No, we didn't get the simple fix I was hoping for. But we were still going to have more investigation. We'll learn a little something more about our little girl. Even if it isn't the problem. And we've done anesthetic before... it's not such a big deal.

We turned to the corner to where the audiology department is and the corridor was blocked off for construction. Which meant that we had to walk all the way around to the other side. 3 tired, hungry kids. 2 tired, hungry parents. 1:30 pm (or thereabouts). As we walked past the cafeteria, I suggested to Brian that he stay with the kids and feed them while I go to make the appointment. (Which turned out to be an adventure in itself because he forgot that they only take cash and so after ordering the food and having it in hand, had to leave it with the cashier and walk to the bank machine, get cash out and then go back to pay for the food, all the while carrying our 30 pound daughter who despises strollers and walking by herself unless it means she can wander away and get into trouble).

When I reached audiology, the receptionist told me to sit down and they'd be right with us. I found this weird but figured that maybe there was someone else who booked the appointments. So I sat down for a couple minutes and after thinking about it, went back up to inquire if I would need my daughter for this.

"Yes." She replied as if I had two heads.

"But, I thought I was just supposed to book an appointment. The doctor told me she'd need to be put under."

"Well, they always try doing it awake first to save you the anesthetic."

Errrr... okay. I guess that sounds reasonable. "I'll go get my daughter. I'll be right back."

I do the quickest walk I can without running to get back to the cafeteria. Grab my daughter who's about to take her first bite out of her grilled cheese sandwich, grab an onion ring (oh yum!) and carry my eating daughter back just in time for her to get into playing with a toy when we're called in... for a regular hearing test.

Yes, you heard me. All that for a regular hearing test. You know, the one we've had at least a half dozen times before.

I stopped her after the first test and inquire about the ABR. She then told me that she strongly recommended that we don't do that and explained why. I honestly don't remember much of what she said. The only reason she could see to do it was as more of a way to rule things out. But that was why we were here. Didn't the doctor write it on the form?

"Nope," she said. "He just sent me a blank form." She flipped over some piece of paper that had been stapled on top. "Oh, here it is." Her demeanor immediately changed and then we walked back to reception and we made our appointment for October.

The whole exchange left me wondering if we really should be doing this test. Are we putting Finleigh through unnecessary testing? And yet if we don't do it, won't we always wonder?

It was a long 2 1/2 hours, but then we got to go to my sister's house and collapse, which I was glad for.

And that was our fun visit to the ENT.

I have to upload my pictures.

2010-08-02T08:32:00.000-06:00

Well, we're back home. It was nice to sleep in my own bed last night. It was also nice to sleep in a different room than my daughter seeing as she woke up at least once per night the whole time we were away. Not that I should really complain cuz my husband got up with her, but still. It's nice to sleep.

I need to upload my pictures. I haven't done that yet. Then I can tell you, or rather show you, about our trip. It was nice. I saw some wonderful friends. Reconnected with loved ones and family members. Met some great kids - that I felt I already knew by the miracle of the internet. Watched my kids have a blast at an amusement park (who'd have thought my sensory seeking kids would love it at much as they did? Honestly, I was braced for disaster and it never came.). And enjoyed having my husband around all the time to help me with the kids.

And I went shopping.

We also finally had our long awaited ENT appointment. There were no surprises, but I'll tell you about that another day too.

We won't be talking about my weight today. But I will be soon. I signed up to run a 10K with my sister in October. We're both gonna have to get training. The run is to raise money for Diabetes. Her husband (my brother-in-law) has had Juvenile Diabetes since he was a young kid. So, it's a good cause and it's a fitness goal. Both of which I need in my life.

And now I should go and try to be an active parent or something seeing as my daughter managed to get poop all over the living room when I wasn't looking.

It's good to be home.

Negative

2010-07-23T18:25:00.000-06:00

The test results were negative. The MPS1 results, that is. Finn does not have MPS1. Scroll down a few posts for more information on the scare that we had.

Now, back to seeing the specialists we have lined up. ENT in 6 days. Developmental pediatrician in the fall... we hope?

Those seem much simpler than the alternative right now.

Away

2010-07-18T08:56:00.000-06:00

Okay, we're off.

Vacation.

We're finally done this ridiculous marathon of 12 hours shifts and then my husband being away for 2 weeks and then more 12 hour shifts and then 5 days of training and then 6 more 12 hour shifts.

I'm exhausted.

So it makes perfect sense that we're going camping.

That should be restful.

And the forecast is for rain.

But I'm still excited.

I may post here along the way, but it's more likely that I'll be back in August.

G'bye!

Sleep

2010-07-17T08:56:00.000-06:00

Anyone care to wager a guess as to why my daughter would prefer to sleep on the floor instead of her bed? Albeit, a 7 1/2 year old crib mattress put on a toddler bed. But still. It's soft.

Is this a sensory thing?

I keep wondering if she'd do better in a twin sized bed. Maybe just a mattress on the floor? Maybe she'd prefer that.

Suggestions as to how to get her to sleep through the night? Besides the usual parent things that we all try. Seriously, don't tell me to set up a good night time routine or sleep train or whatever. If you can read it in a parenting magazine, I've tried it. I'm looking for something to help Finleigh, not a normal child.

I suspect she may have sleep apnea. Just a guess. Good thing we finally got into an ENT at the end of the month. I wonder if he'll be willing to listen to my concerns about her nose as well as the ears that she's been referred for.

Maybe they're related.

Or not.

I wouldn't mind the getting up at night. And the later bedtimes. And the waking up stupid early. And the beginnings of fighting her afternoon nap (unless she falls asleep in front of the TV on the couch). I wouldn't mind any of those things (cuz I'm actually pretty good at living on not very much sleep) IF - and this is a big if - she was a happy little camper when she's awake.

But of course she's not. Let the tantrums ensue.

Sleep deprived 3 year old + sensory issues + speech delay + who knows what else = an explosive child + a tattered mommy + frustrated brothers and daddy.

Also a headache and a very bad mood.

That's my math lesson for the day.

And my rant.

Healer - A Review

2010-07-16T08:51:00.000-06:00

Sixth-century Arthurian Britain provides the backdrop for Linda Windsor’s latest novel, Healer. First in The Brides of Alba Series, Healer gifts readers with the story of Brenna of Gowrys, a woman orphaned during a twenty-year blood feud and destined to spend her life in hiding with only her wolf and her faith in God as companions. Brenna flees as much from her mother’s dying prophecy as she does from the clan that seeks her life and clings tenaciously to her faith in Christ amid the lonely hills of Scotland. When a stranger is left to die surrounded by the carnage of a nearby ambush, Brenna rescues him from certain death. However, the stranger’s delirious rants leave her to wonder if his spirit will survive the darkness that enshrouds him.

Brenna’s life is trapped between an enemy clan that wants her dead and her own clan who is seeking a warrior queen to lead them to military victory over their oppressors. The stranger who enters her life makes her believe that she has found the answer to her deep loneliness. Raised by a Sister of Avalon, Brenna harbors a firm belief in Christ and His forgiveness. Yet the more she learns of her wounded guest, the more she is left to wonder how God expects her to fulfill the strange destiny prophesied by her mother those many years ago. How can she possibly “bring a peace beyond the ken of [her enemy’s] wicked soul”? Unknown to her, the wandering mercenary to whom she administers her healing finds that his own heart is softened both toward Brenna and her God. The relationship that grows between them will provide answers that both of them seek.

Award-winning author Linda Windsor creates an epic tale of two desperate and lonely people whose destinies have been engineered by the church to preserve the ancient Davidic and holy apostolic bloodlines and their Judeo-Christian faith. This well-researched tale will introduce readers to little known facts of British church history, as well as provide information for an effective witness for family and friends misled by New Age and Wiccan theories. Fans of Celtic and medieval tales as well as lovers of Arthurian legend and Lord of the Rings-like settings will find much to enjoy in Windsor’s latest novel. Healer is a story that reveals God’s hand in the lives of broken hearts and wounded souls and the grace that will heal a land and a people, replacing darkness with His light.

The Healer (Book 1 in the Brides of Alba Series) by Linda Windsor

David C Cook/June 1, 2010/ISBN 978-1-4347-6478-2/351 pages/softcover/$14.99

www.davidccook.com ~ www.lindawindsor.com

What did I think? There was something about this book. I don't know if it's the time period, or the way the author described the characters, but the book grabbed my attention from the very first page. It got a little slow in the middle for me as she took time to explain some things about the story, but over all it had me enthralled. It's a nice break from the typical Christian romance. I'll be looking out for more of Linda Windsor's books in the future.

Finleigh + Photo Booth

2010-07-14T14:54:00.000-06:00

Sometimes a simple thing turns into an upsetting event:

We get a similar reaction with Skype.

Check out other Wordless Wednesdays or Special Exposure Wednesdays over at the 5 Minute for Moms group.

Sisters

2010-07-13T07:46:00.000-06:00

Had to post this picture cuz every time I look at it it makes me smile.

This is from my sister's visit a couple weeks ago, clicked on Photo Booth on her IMac.

Fun and unquestioning support is what I see in this picture.

The Mailbox - A Review

2010-07-13T07:27:00.001-06:00

A rural mailbox stands alone on an isolated North Carolina beach, and within its unobtrusive confines lay the hopes and dreams, the heartaches and joys of countless strangers. Tending the lone mailbox on this deserted beach is an anonymous reader called the Kindred Spirit…drawing hearts toward healing and hope. Marybeth Whalen’s debut novel, The Mailbox, is set around this real-life landmark. She explores the possibility that this isolated and mysterious message center can reunite two people who have been separated by a lifetime of regret and confusion. Because of the mailbox, second chances arise in the face of painful loss, and the promise that enduring love and faith can overcome the destruction of long-kept secrets rings true.

Lindsey Adams begins her visits to the Kindred Spirit mailbox as a young teen. There, she finds her first love, Campbell Forrester. But twenty years later, she returns to the beach as a woman whose husband, Grant, has divorced her after a string of infidelities. Remembering her first love, and wondering whatever became of Campbell, Lindsey allows the salty beach air to reengage her sense of hope. She begins to imagine that Campbell might not be long lost after all.

Meanwhile, Campbell faces his own hardships—including his broken relationship with his daughter and his longing to undo his inadequacies as a father. When Campbell learns that Lindsey has returned to the beach, he cannot help but feel hopeful that he may discover love again.

Whalen’s heartfelt and freshly evoked story explores how memories—and good-old-fashioned, hand-written letters—can not only haunt us, but also can heal us. She explores the memories of first romance while also taking a look at painful life circumstances. Marriage, parenting, and personal integrity are brought into focus in this edgy romance, as is the struggle to come to terms with God’s love for us and His plan for our lives. Using letters from the Kindred Spirit mailbox, Whalen delves into the hearts of two people who truly desire to experience the transformation of enduring love.

The Mailbox by Marybeth Whalen

David C Cook/June 1, 2010/ISBN 978-0-7814-0369-6/384 pages/softcover/$14.99

www.davidccook.com ~ www.marybethwhalen.com

What did I think? This is a nice, light summer read. It was a feel good romance that went by really quickly. I enjoyed the story. A small focus on God, but not overwhelming or preachy. A great way to wile away a summer afternoon.

All grown up... or trying

2010-07-11T07:01:00.000-06:00

One of the biggest challenges I'm finding right now with Finleigh is that she thinks she's all grown up. I know this happens with lots of kids. I'm pretty sure in my fuzzy memory I remember my boys trying to push their way into independence. But then, I also remember refusals to dress themselves and wanting mommy to do everything. So maybe I'm just imagining things.

But right now, my 3 year old in a 2 year old's body wants to be 3. Or even 4. Which would explain some of our challenges right now.

For example, she's all but refusing to sit in her booster seat anymore for meals. She wants to sit right up at the table. Which is fine when she's willing to sit still, but her attention span doesn't last through a full meal. Sometimes it doesn't even last through 3 bites of food. And she's messy, so that doesn't help. Gosh, I'm going to miss being able to strap her in.

Speaking of messy. She won't wear her bib anymore. She may let me put it on, but it doesn't stay on for long. Extra laundry anyone?

She wants to ride her brothers' bikes.

She wants to help me bake and cook and anything else that could possibly cause injury in the kitchen.

She wants to walk by herself on the road and in the stores. And no, it doesn't count if she has to hold my hand.

She wants to blow her own bubbles, which usually results in the entire container of bubble liquid all over the ground.

She wants to put the DVD's in the player (which would be great if they didn't go in her mouth first).

She wants to take her own food from the packages or dish herself up at the table. You can imagine how well that works.

Given how behind she really is, who am I to hold her back? So I try, within reason to give her what freedom she needs. Except for when she's endangering herself.

Even if it is extremely and grossly messy.

Ugh.

But, I suppose this is a good sign. She's maturing. And if she wants something, she'll work hard to develop the skills to get it. And don't get me wrong, I DEEPLY want her to do all these things. Like yesterday.

Now, to convince her to want to talk. Or use the toilet. Or sleep during all those ungodly hours that right now she doesn't.

It's Friday. There should be a weigh in.

2010-07-09T11:12:00.000-06:00

Have you noticed? I've not been posting my weigh ins?

I've been having a hard time getting my head around weight loss and eating lately. But then, I'm having a hard time getting my pants to go over my butt too. So I guess something's gotta give (and I certainly hope it's not my pant seam).

My confession is that as of this morning, I've gone back up 7 pounds. It's ridiculous how quickly my weight can bounce back. But then, yesterday, I was two pounds heavier than I am today, so really? Shouldn't complain too much.

Firmly planted back in the 190's where my pants are tight and my gut is rolly.

I don't hate myself at this weight. I feel fat and would prefer to be sitting 25 or 30 pounds lighter. I would. But I'm okay here. The problem is not gaining anymore. Cuz if I don't concentrate on it, I will. And I am NOT going back there.

But first, I have to find it in my heart to care.

And as I look around at my life, my weight just doesn't seem that important right now. Until I get dressed in the morning, that is.

Instead, as I look around at my life, I get short of breath. My chest tightens. My stomach hurts. And sometimes I even want to run and hide.

I feel bad for forgetting to be thankful for the things I do have. A house that I love (even if it is smaller than I'd prefer) that we bought before housing prices got really crazy, a country where freedom reigns and I don't worry about a machine gun being pointed at my head, a husband who loves and gets me, extended family that doesn't judge me (mostly, i think?), friends who support me. Healthy kids who have some challenges, but not as bad as many out there.

Yet with all that, anxiety plagues me. I'm not joking about the not breathing part. Have you ever felt like you can't get a full breath in? I have. I do. It's been happening more and more all the time and it can be very distressing. While the doctor is checking into other stuff too, the suspicion is that my body is letting me know that I'm too stressed out. Anxiety, as it were. I don't feel anxious, necessarily, but I suppose I'm just swallowing up that anxiety and letting my body take the brunt of it. Even with the jogging. And the massage therapy. And the nature music I've taken to playing during the day.

I'm stressed, people, and I've been taking it out on my body. So the pretty, tiny little pills that he gave me to help me out, that I've been fighting taking for over a year, are a welcome reprieve. I slept 12 hours last night, with a little break in between to help with Finleigh so Brian could sleep.

I've finally dropped my pride. I need help.

So all that to say... I'm still here. I'm still aware of my number on the scale. I want to try and am not completely giving up. But, I think I'm not gonna be where I wanna be for a while.