Thursday, October 30, 2014

A little walk

A little walk with a pretty girl and her daddy on a lovely fall day.

A thanksgiving day, in fact.

Feeling thankful for a moment of fun with our little beauty. 

And she, loving her dad like no other. 

Thankful. For the moments we can breathe. And smile. And love. 

Tuesday, October 28, 2014


What is it like to live a well rested life, I wonder? I know I'm not alone in this. I know that there are many others that live in perpetual exhaustion. In fact, I've heard that this is a major problem in Western Countries. Perpetual exhaustion. Overextending ourselves. Being tired.

I can't say that I've ever really been a well rested person. Between staying up late - sometimes by choice and sometimes because my brain won't turn off. And then often overcommitting myself to many activities at a time. I was not a person that got a lot of sleep. But, I got to sleep-in on the weekends. Or take a nap. That would make up for things and I would carry on.

Then I had kids and sleep deprivation took on a whole new meaning. It's one thing to be awake and tired at night and be able to veg. Another thing completely when you are responsible for another little person in the middle of the night. Whipping out a boob or a bottle. Pacing the floors, bouncing as you go. Functioning as though it was totally normal that you were awake and functional at 3am.

Then came Finleigh and SMS and a level of craziness that no human should have to endure. And 7 years on I now live with a combination of my crappy sleeping habits that often keep me unwillingly awake at night, and a 7 year old that may or may not wake up 4 times per night. Or may or may not come and sleep horizontally in my bed. Or may or may not be awake for the day at 5 am. And then there's my low iron, that despite the iron pills, still hovers much lower than it should... adding to the exhaustion.

That physical exhaustion coupled with the emotional exhaustion and psychological fight with hopelessness leaves me typing a blog post with my eyes mostly closed at 10:14 in the morning. Downing coffee and carbs to stay awake. Wishing to go back to sleep, but knowing that I have much to do. I often succumb to the tiredness and sleep in the day, but that finds me behind. And my house in disarray.

I may just be mildly frustrated right now.

And tired. Oh. So. Tired.

So I repeat. What must it be like to live a rested life?

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

I had a dream...

I saw it in Target. I had a cart full of clothes for my daughter for school. It was completely impractical, but oh, so pretty. 

I bought it. The lovely little blouse you see above. 

I had visions of her wearing it at the Christmas concert with fancy black leggings and her little black Mary Janes.

I knew... I KNEW in the back of my mind that it was silly. And that it wouldn't last. And that I really shouldn't. But even a mom to a special needs kid wants her daughter to look sweet, and lovely, and all those things that a mom wants for her daughter. 

Even if that special needs daughter has a penchant for destroying things. 

Alas, after one wear, not only was it covered in food, but it was ripped. Torn by her adorable little fingers. 

Good-bye sweet little lacy blouse. I will miss you.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Happy Thanksgiving

Today is Canadian Thanksgiving. 

There's something about pie, isn't there? Delicious pie. Made with fall flavours. Pumpkin and apple.

It feels like Thanksgiving to me. 

And I guess the thing about being thankful is finding the good in the ugly. The peace in the chaos. The light in the darkness. 

Life isn't perfect for anyone. Some find it easier to find the thankful than others. Some have more obvious good. Some have more obvious not-so-good. Or flat out disastrous. 

So often lately, my life feels flat out disastrous and it  overshadows the good. And I have to work to find the light. Work really hard. 

I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. No, I don't see things getting better, but if I try really hard, I can see light seeping through right where I'm at. In fact, if I look for the light at the end of the tunnel, I will drown in despair. The light right here, may at times be dim, but it is still there. It's always there. 

So, today I will drink in the turkey and the pie. The stuffing and the wine. My beautiful family and incredible friends that I am lucky enough to celebrate with. Because today, that is enough. Even more than enough. 

There will be plenty of time tomorrow for the bad. Today, I will celebrate the good. 

Or at least, I will try. 

Friday, October 10, 2014

Do you ever have trouble getting ideas out of your head? Some might call it writer's block. But I'm not a writer. Not really. 


Still, I have these thoughts. They rattle around in my brain. I can see them. I can feel them. I can almost... almost... form them into words. And yet, I can't.

And so a running dialogue runs through my head. (While I'm doing house work. When I go for walks. As I drive somewhere.) With glimpses of clarity. A sentence or two that flitters away before I can write it down. Not that it matters anyway, because that sentence is not a fully fleshed out thought. As soon as I think of that thought, five other thoughts rush into my brain, making my first thought useless. Obsolete. Ridiculous. And not at all full of the brilliance that I wish my thoughts contained.

So, I have something to say. It's why I maintain this blog. But often, those things I have to say are negative. So I stopped writing. I stopped because I was tired of bringing everyone into my negative. And if I wrote positive, it felt fake and inauthentic. Forced even.

It is perhaps why some create art. It's why I feel compelled to create. And there are those that are lucky enough to be able to convey their thoughts and feelings in a medium. Any medium. Music. Dance. Painting. Photography. Writing. Or whatever it is that fulfills that need.

And then there are those that are frustrated. Stuck with those intangible thoughts swimming around in their brain, wishing to come out. But can't. Stuck somewhere before they become fully formed...