Saturday, November 1, 2008

Trusting myself

I was so discouraged last week. My weight was up and the way it was going, it didn't look like I was going to meet my goal of being under 170lbs before we left for our holiday. I was having some pretty uncontrollable cravings and I was beginning to wonder if this was it. If I had hit my lowest and was now doomed to become a statistic and gain a bunch of weight back. Yes, I was exercising. No, my eating was not under control and I didn't see my way out of it.

I want to say that my real belief is that what the scale says really is just a number. What really matters is how I feel. What's my energy level? How's my health? Do I feel good in my clothes? The answer to all these questions was positive. And so, I just decided to really and truly accept myself. If I was over 170lbs before we left, it would be okay. I hate not reaching a goal, but it would be okay.

I've continued exercising, although I missed yesterday with all the Halloween excitement and I've been listening to my body and eating smart. Keeping a rough points tally in my head, but not quite counting exactly. This week has been different somehow and I have no desire to overeat. I'm back in control and feeling really good. Really good. It was that time of the month last week. It hasn't affected me much on this journey so far, but this past time it really did. It's not a license to binge like crazy, but it's a reason to forgive myself. It happens. If we move on and continue to act in a healthy manner, it'll be okay.

This morning? I'm down significantly. I know I'm supposed to weigh tomorrow, but I just knew I was down and so I stepped on the scale.

I saw 166.8.

It's the lowest I've ever been in my adult life. And now I have some breathing room. 3 pounds between me and that dreaded 170lbs. I expect I'll hit 170lbs again before I'm done and that's okay, but it's nice to be this low before we go. And I didn't starve myself to do it.

I'm still getting used to my new self. This week, my husband put his arm around my waist. When I was bigger, he would do it and I would suck in or try to straighten up so he didn't feel my rolls. This time? He put his arm around me, it reached a lot further around that it used to and I straightened up wondering what he must be feeling. And then I realized, there are no rolls. There's no fat hanging over my pants. So, I relaxed and enjoyed the safe feeling of being in his arms.

It's a good feeling. And I feel like maybe, just maybe I will keep this weight off. It really and truly can be done. I just need to trust myself.


  1. oh, I teared up reading this, because I know exactly what you mean about when your husband puts his arm around your waist - I would totally suck in to hide my rolls too ... what an awesome thing to have reached a stage where you can just enjoy that feeling. I'm so happy for you. Also, wait to go on 166.8!! woohoo. :o) I know you will keep this weight off. You know how to stop a little gain from becoming a big gain - you do.
    And WAIT TO GO on being the smallest you've been in your adult life. You Rock!!

  2. Way to go Amanda! I'm so proud of you!! Enjoy your vacation!!

  3. wow. such great advice!!! trust of self does seem to be a huge player in this journey.

    have a great trip!

  4. you have done SOOOO great- I'm so proud of you :) good work

  5. you have done SOOOO great- I'm so proud of you :) good work