Control

One of the worst parts about putting this weight back on (30 lbs and counting), is not so much the getting fat part - although I hate the getting fat part.  It's not even that I can't wear all my favorite clothes.  Worse than that, is the loss of control.

I can't control what goes in my mouth and in my life, there are days when I feel like I have precious little control over anything else.

My daughter has a tantrum over a seemingly benign thing.  I have no control.

My son struggles in school and gets grades that he doesn't deserve.  I have no control.

My daughter is up at 1 a.m. every single night - even though she's been sleeping through the night for years.  I have no control.

And she can't talk yet.  Not even a little bit of control.

I don't even have control over the money that comes into our house.  I do the budgeting, so I have control over how it goes out.  But in?  That's all on my husband.  The only way I'd have control is if I got a job of my own, and that's just not worth it right now.  So, I've resigned control.

I can work to make these things better.  I can research, read, go to counseling, talk to the principal or teachers.  I can try my best to improve the situation, but in the middle of the tantrum I can't control how my daughter acts.  So then I do damage control... a form of control, but not one I like.  I like to be preemptive.  That's what I like.  Preemptivity (ya, ya, I know it's not a word.  But it should be).

So, when something that I should be able to control - my actions - is out of control, it leaves me feeling defeated.  And I'm tired of feeling defeated.  So today, as school ramps up again and the beloved, yet hated routine returns to our lives, I will take control.

There may always be that nagging thought in the back of my mind wondering when I'm going to lose control again, but I have to try.  The eating I've been doing is just not worth the consequences.  Think I can remember that in the middle of a binge?  Or better yet, before it starts?

I'm gonna have to.