I keep sitting down to the computer to write a paper that's due. So far, I've finished the introduction.
It actually should have been done 2 weeks ago if I'm to finish the course on time without any extensions, but life happens and I'm behind.
Kids have been sick.
We had a flood in the basement.
I registered for one too many classes, thinking that I was superwoman, or some such nonsense like that.
I signed up for a 10k... which means I should be taking time to exercise... which is lovely in theory... as long as Finleigh isn't home... or at least the husband is home to watch her.
And so, on an almost daily basis, I find myself asking, why am I putting myself through this? Why am I spending money on classes when I don't have to? And then I think of all the more motherly things I could be doing instead of studying like an 18 year old. For example: researching gifted education. Or autism. Or augmentative speech devices. Or baking cookies. Or volunteering at school. Or planning activities. Or planting the garden. Or doing yard work. Or, heck, cleaning the house.
Or I could be doing something enjoyable and relaxing, like reading one of the half dozen books sitting on my bedside table waiting to be opened.
And, the trip I could take with my husband with the money I've spent on tuition!
But instead, I'm taking Intro to Philosophy and getting stuck on a stupid paper about Socrates and the difference between the soul and the body.
And then I remember how badly I want to be something beyond just being a mother. I want to accomplish things in my life, not just live through my children's accomplishments. I have goals that I'm just not ready to relinquish.
Now, don't get me wrong... motherhood is an honourable profession. It is important. Crucial, even, to the development of a civilized society and for a lot of years, it was all I wanted. But now, there has to be more for me. There just does.
I could go on for a very long time about my new found feministic(ish) view of life and where I see my role, but I won't for today. For today, I'll just remind myself that I'm doing this for a reason and its for my kids as much as its for me.
And then I'll remember how the anxiety that I was suffering with a couple years ago started to melt away when I went back to school. And how, even when I'm stressed with deadlines and juggling my life, I still feel better than when my only focus was my home and my kids.
I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I may never know. But I think I am and for today, that's gonna have to be enough.
Okay, now back to that stupid paper...