Sunday, June 30, 2013

About nothing

Its the perfect temperature outside, after a hot, muggy day. The sky is blue, with touches of pink, as the sun begins it's descent. It's 9:30 at night and still light outside - something I love about living so far north. I have about another hour until it will be too dark to read. I can hear birds chirping, the low hum of vehicles from the main road a few blocks away, and our neighbours laughing and having a good time with friends. The sound of their social connection makes me feel lonely and isolated. Some days, I don't mind my quiet life, restricted as it seems to be with our children's quirks and special needs and our introversion. But other days, I long for the laughter and the kinship that comes with getting together with good friends.

The house inside is quiet with two sleeping children and one reading in his bed. My husband is working nights tonight. I wonder if I should be outside since Finleigh could come down at any moment, awakened by who knows what. Oh how I would love to get her to settle herself back to sleep, but since its rare that she goes to sleep on her own, that seems like a pipe dream. If I have learned anything over the past 10 years of being a parent, its that pushing a child to do something before they're ready is a waste of energy and hard on your relationship.

Or perhaps I should be inside because my oldest just came down and told me he was scared. This poor boy has been plagued by fear for as long as I can remember. I walked him back up and he tells me he's fine now. I hope so. We had a bit of a blow up earlier this evening over the volume of the TV. It ended with me sending him to his room because of his disrespectful tone. I remember, in my teens, my mom telling me how disrespectful I was being and I couldn't figure out what her issue was. I was just talking. Now, I'm the mom to the basically good kid with the disrespectful tone. Its hard not to get too angry when he talks to me like that. I thought that was reserved for the teenage years... but with this one, it seemed to start almost as soon as he could talk.

I'm not really sure what I'm writing about. This is really a post about nothing. I've been feeling introspective all day, mulling over a couple conversations I've had lately and the readings I'm doing for school. I wondered if writing would help clarify my muddy thoughts, but my concentration is all but gone. I've been cramming over the last week or so, trying to make up for some of the damage that was done by blowing off my online classes for three months. Tonight my brain is full, so those muddy thoughts will have to wait.

And its so lovely outside.

Instead, I've poured myself a glass of wine and am enjoying the stillness, listening with just a twinge of envy to my happy neighbours two doors down.

As I saw my husband off tonight, I closed the door behind me and followed him partway down the driveway. We stood there for a minute; him summoning up the will to leave for his job - which provides for us so well but is not, by any stretch of the imagination, fulfilling  - and me wishing that I did not have to walk back into the chaos. I suggested that we run away. Just the two of us. Away from this madness. I was just joking, of course. We love our life and our children and our home. But for a split second, I wished he would say yes. And in the same second I was grateful that he didn't take me up on it. Having a husband who is willing to stay and engage with our children and me, I know is a priceless gift.

I thanked him for that. And he thanked me for not descending into an alcoholic stupor.

So... we're even then, I guess.

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