Run

I had an hour and a half of respite time left. I could get down to studying and probably finish the latest unit.

Or, I could run.

Brian was going for a bike ride and I thought that maybe, just maybe, I could do it. With these meds helping my heart feel like it's not going to explode out of my chest all the time, perhaps I could try again.

I went upstairs and changed into my running gear - bike skirt included to hide my rear end, which let's be honest, doesn't hide a thing, but makes me feel like it does, so I wear it anyways. I hadn't put my runners on for at least a month. Maybe two.

I hit play on Mumford and Sons and headed out to the wooded trail where there are kilometres of walking trails in the forest just a block from our house. I love spending time in there. Even if when I'm alone I worry that I might find a bear, or a wild dog or a rapist. Yes, the things that I worry about.

Within a minute, I felt winded, but not the anxiety ridden winded that I get as I stand in the middle of the kitchen cooking supper. It felt good, so I kept going. The wind blew through my hair as I ran down the trail. Then I jogged down the trail. Then I kind of lumbered down the trail in an almost hop skip kind of move. More walking than running, but I was still moving, dammit and that was the point.

I ran past a girl I had gone to Banff with last year to run my 10k race. She did the half marathon. She was running with her 4 sweet little towheaded children on their bikes and her dog. She didn't see me as she was corralling one of her kids at the time we passed, but I felt proud to at least be out there in her company.

All in all, it was a good run. I am proud that I got out there and did it again.

But now, three hours later, I am questioning my choice. My head is pounding - it started at about the 4 km mark. Is that a thing? Getting a headache from running? Because it happens to me all the time.

I'm tired now and would love a nap, but I have a very loud child in her underwear who is no longer at respite wanting my attention. Oh Tylenol, please kick in soon!

And perhaps I should have been cleaning during that time. For you see, my husband wondered aloud today what it would cost to get someone in to clean the house. Simultaneously, my heart jumped and sank. A stay at home mom should keep her house clean. However, a stay at home mom who is a part time student and has a child with SMS... would really, really like some help with the house cleaning. And before you jump on my husband... he does his fair share,  but he works outside of the home and I have a hard time dropping that gender role.

So, to sum up. I ran today. I have a headache which is overshadowing any endorphins I may have gained. I still have a lot of reading to do. I have a daughter who is desiring my attention at this very minute and will get it momentarily. And, my house is a mess.

Tomorrow during respite? I will not be going for a run.