This morning is the first time in four days that I've opened my computer. And only the second time in the last ten. It's like I'm missing a part of me or something. Of course, I've had my smart phone to keep me updated in short snippets, but really, I've basically been offline.
My life has been a little bit upside down the last couple of weeks. I'm beginning to long for the regular old humdrum routine.
First it started with our trip to the big city for Finleigh's medical appointments - the thing that I'm pretty sure I had more to write about. But first, I had a paper to finish.
And then I got the news that my grandma died. The one that was going to live forever. The glue in our family. Our dear matriarch. She died suddenly, and while she was 86 and beginning to struggle health wise, she was still living on her own and was rocking being 86 and... well... I was not prepared for it.
I still hope to write something more about her. Something fitting of my relationship with her. Something that would honour her. But today, I will speak of myself. Try to unjumble some of these half finished thoughts. Organize myself as I enter another week.
So, at the news of my grandmother passing, we made the 14 hour drive - with a quick stop in the big city to find proper funeral attire, because be damned if I was showing up at my grandmother's funeral not dressed my very, very best to honour the lady that she was. Once there, I immersed myself in my big, big family full of fun and big personalities. Knowing there may never be a time when we're all assembled together again. Deeply regretting not being down there more. Trying to soak in my small town Saskatchewan roots. And then we stayed a day longer than we really should have. Partly to help with some business that needed doing, but mostly because I just couldn't bear to rip myself away from there. The home of my grandma. The home of my beloved extended family.
On the road home, I squeezed in an oral exam for my women's studies class and then headed home to another, prearranged, planned for months family gathering where we were to celebrate our parent's 40th wedding anniversary. I am in the midst of that right now. Due to the miles that separate us in our daily lives, we don't have a lot of time together, so I try to squeeze every single moment that I can with them. It is fun, even if we are all still mourning the loss of our grandmother/mother in our own ways.
But, real life is starting to encroach into my existence again, and I am beginning to feel torn. For it just happens to be now that all of Finleigh's therapies through the school are beginning and everyone needs a piece of me. I have two meetings booked this week (no wait! it's three. I have THREE meetings booked this week) about different things for her. Not to mention that she's missed 8 of the last 10 days of school. My boys both have a pile of homework they need to do after missing a week of school, which I'm not overly concerned about, thankfully they have a good handle on their academics, but a responsible parent should be having them be responsible with their work. I have a final exam next week to finish up a class and six weeks to finish my other course than I'm maybe a third of the way through.
I'm getting nervous about finishing, let alone finishing well.
Add to that Finleigh's regular behaviours. The fact that she's getting a cold and I may not be able to depend on school time to work on my homework. And about a half dozen things that are being left unsaid. And... well... what can I say?
So, I will breathe and keep moving forward.
I struggle now to finish the post since I can only seem to find words that are overly positive. Trite. Or martyr-ish. None of which I want to be. So, I guess we'll just have to wait to see how things go and if my brain is still intact in the coming weeks.