And a lovely Christmas it was. Quiet. A little lonely. But peaceful and I had three grateful children and got to have my husband home for Christmas morning, even if he did work nights that night.
I did end up baking, despite how I was feeling. I went shopping after Brian got home from work (shopping at 9:30 at night is quiet and peaceful). And I didn't bake as much as I usually do and not all my favourites. And my very favourite didn't really turn out, but it still tastes okay, so there is that. And I'm glad I baked, even if I was cranky and tired after I did it - due to my favourite not turning out, because we had baking for Christmas dinner and that was nice.
Also, Christmas dinner tasted delicious, if I do say so myself.
The poor nutcracker is now completely busted. He is going to his new home in the garbage dump soon.
Brian put our secondary Christmas tree up again one day when I was doing homework. It is still standing, although slightly worse for wear. Small victories.
I am overwhelmed by the hurt and sadness around me. Sometimes it hits me more than others. But it seems that there is just so much hurt. It makes me sad and I feel helpless. How I wish I could fix it all.
And when I feel down because of that, I can't help but be hypercritical of myself. I see all the mistakes I make. All the places I fall short. And I think, "I should really fix them." But some are not my fault and I can't and so I need to let them go. And some, I'm doing the best I can. And some… well, I could probably do much better if I knew how, but I don't. And some, I really could just get off my lazy ass and fix them.
And then, I try to fix them and if they're SMS related, I'm just foiled. Foiled again. And then I remember… oh ya, that's why I don't do that thing that I think I should because it would make me a better parent.
So, I sit down on my lazy ass again and feel sleepy and try not to sleep, lest something like this happens…
… which was totally worth the rest I did get because it's kind of dry and gross anyways because I had to do some substitutions and I'm actually pretty glad that there's less to eat.
Hoping to hell my kids turn out okay, despite my foibles. And my mistakes and all that. Hopefully I don't mess them up too bad.