To do:

On my to do list today:

- write a response to our behavioural therapist about some questions he has for me.
- don't fall asleep.

Simple, yes? Unsaid in the don't fall asleep category is do homework. Learn something. you know? But the bed that is right behind me as I type. That bed is calling me. I can't see it, but I can feel its presence. I can feel its pull.

That deep, down exhaustion that is building up again is starting to overwhelm. And I'm getting decent sleep too (and by decent, I mean around 6 hours)… but I suppose I must be stressed. Things are piling up. And I suspect either my B12 or my iron is low again. Both has happened in the past. Both is likely to be now.

And it sounds easier, I think, than it is… since I fell asleep yesterday morning, reading about structural functionalism. And neofunctionalism. And fun sociological theory like that. Conservative. Liberal. Static. Dynamic.

And then I woke up at exactly the time that I was supposed to be at the school picking up my boys for their first counselling session. So, I jumped out of bed and ran out of the house without my mitts on. And my hair was a little crazy. But we made it there on time (with my fingers only being a little bit cold) and the boys got to talk about what's bothering them. Which is good. It's important for them to talk about their frustrations with having a sister with SMS. Because it can be so hard. Which hit home to me as they talked a little bit in the beginning while I was around. Their joy at having respite. Their frustration at being attacked. How they "just get used to it."

It broke my heart. I wish I could fix it.

Which brings me to the first item on my to do list… the questions regarding the way she's treating her brothers. And how usually kids attack their siblings for certain reasons… none of which ring true to me - or Brian. So, I'm not sure what to say. He wants to know what Finleigh's getting out of the behaviour. And I have no clue. Not one. I don't think it's for attention. She doesn't get extra attention from them for biting them. Or hitting them. They might yell at her. Or they ignore her. Or they walk away. Is she trying to get yelled at? Do we need to implement more positive attention time from them to eliminate this behaviour?

And frankly… if I did have a clue? I wouldn't need his help.

I'm not sure if Finleigh's behaviour - due to SMS - is that different from other children or not. The homework routine he's given us has been working relatively well.

Until yesterday when I added math into the routine.

My daughter hates math. With a passion. With a passionate passion, in fact. So much so that it took us 35  minutes to do 6 simple adding questions yesterday. She'd say the equation and then run away crying. And then she'd come back and help me count it out on the number line. Then she'd run away crying and yelling and she might throw something. Then she'd come back again and help me write the answer down. And then run away crying. All the time I'd ignore her when she left the table, reminding her every minute or so that she had to do her homework and that we would play a game afterwards. And then I would reengage her when she came back to the table. It took us another 25 minutes after that to get her reading homework done. What could have been done in 20 minutes took an hour of yelling and screaming and throwing and fighting.

It sucked.

I hate homework.

It made me want to eat somethings gooey and delicious. Or break open a bottle of wine. But I would have settled for going to bed. That's what I really wanted to do… go to bed.

I did none of those things. I played a game with her - as per our agreement. Then I snuggled with her on the couch for a few minutes while she played on her DS. Then I got up and made supper.

A fascinating post, if there ever was one. My mundane life. My quiet struggle. Or not so quiet, I suppose, since I write about it here. My desire to just have a child that will listen to me and do what I request of her. My boys do. Usually. When they're told to do something, they do it. Rarely do they complain because we just don't put up with it. But Finleigh.

Finleigh.

Finleigh? Well, nearly everything is a fight. From morning to night. Why she just can't do what I need her to do, I just don't know. I can put up with almost everything else, but the refusal to comply… it's getting very old.

Very old, indeed.