Thursday, March 13, 2014

Help me concentrate

It seems that my blogging goes in spits and spurts. Sometimes I have a lot to say. Others, it's as if I drop off the edge of the earth.

I sit here, in a quiet house, my husband sleeping off his night shift from last night. My kids at school.

It can't decide what it wants to be outside. It snows, then rains, then snows again. The wind is fast. The streets, sidewalks and parking lots are icy. Finleigh fell on the ice this morning. I fell last week, bruising my elbow, my knee and my pride.

It was my birthday this past weekend. I didn't feel particularly celebratory. Sometimes, it just feels like another day. I was hoping it might kick me into some sort of refresh to start eating right again and exercising. It doesn't seem to have helped my motivation at all. As I inch toward 40, my brain tells me that I should be more careful about my health, but my emotions tell me otherwise.

I cried last night after getting out of the shower. It was a reluctant cry and I was angry that I felt so strongly about it. But I cried over my weight. And then I was angry about the fact that I care so much. And that society cares so much. And that because society cares so much, I feel like less of a person with this extra weight I'm carrying around. It's ridiculous. And then I worried about my health and the implication of my negative habits. And then I worried about my fat rolls again and the one pair of jeans right now that I can wear and are threatening to get too tight.

And then I worried about what I was going to wear to Finleigh's ISPP meeting at the school in the morning. Because I didn't want to wear black yoga pants… which has become my uniform since all my jeans are too tight. And most of my shirts are tight and show the ample roll over top of my almost too tight jeans.

And that's just one of the things I'm worrying about right now.

I am avoiding my schoolwork because I just can't concentrate. Things in my life are draining my emotional and mental energy, and so I sit here, typing, and hoping that I will then be able to concentrate.

I can't concentrate.

The ISPP went well today, by the way. That's the new word they have for the meeting we have with all Finleigh's teachers and support staff and therapists. Overall, we have an excellent team that loves Finleigh and has known her for a long time. They are always so happy at her progress. They're easy to get along with. These meetings are old hat now. I'm glad I don't have to fight right now for what she needs.

So, that's about that. My eyes feel heavy. So does my brain. And my heart for that matter. And I'm posting for the sake of posting.

But maybe now. Now? I can concentrate.



  1. It feels good to get it out. Doesn't it? Always know that you are not alone. And a good cry is such a good idea. Let it out. Society puts all sorts of ideas into our heads. It's so difficult to plow through life without getting side tracked by "what's supposed to be." You are a beautiful writer, Amanda. XXXOOO