I hate yelling at my kids. It makes me feel bad. It makes them feel bad. It's just a bad scene all around. And usually.
Usually, I am able to hold my crap together and deal with things calmly.
But this morning, my self control was all used up.
I only have so much self control, and when it's used up just getting my kids out the door in the morning for school, I don't have any left for things like eating healthy, or getting my work done, or exercise, or cleaning my house.
This morning, I lost my self control about 5 minutes before it was time to go. And suddenly, I was telling everyone to just leave everyone else alone. And yelling at Finleigh to "JUST GET IN THE CAR."
"Enough. ENOUGH!" I yelled, more than I would have liked.
I was about to go into a tirade about how I was just going to leave. Walk away from this life so I could be by myself. But, luckily, some self control seeped in and I stood outside the car for a minute or two, just breathing, and I stopped myself from saying those words that I wouldn't be able to take back. And, of course, I would never leave.
My sons may not always feel safe at home because they never know what hard object is going to be lobbed at their heads by their adorable little sister. But, they MUST know that mom will always be there for them. And I suppose that threatening to leave would not help that cause.
So instead, I yelled at Finn to "GET IN YOUR SEAT!" as she rolled around on the seat beside her booster seat. Yelling, kicking off her boots and socks, flailing her arms at her brother.
And after I'd buckled her up and she kicked her backpack out of the car, I just yelled, "ENOUGH! E-NOUGH!!!!"
Not terribly productive, I know.
Then I turned on the radio. Loud. And as we pulled into the parking lot at the school, I apologized to my boys. Apologies accepted. And once Finleigh put her socks and boots back on (after I'd retrieved them from around the vehicle), she happily skipped into the school as if nothing had happened. And then I had to smile at people and have a happy conversation with Finleigh's teacher... she truly is such a sweetheart, how could I not?
And now I sit here. Trying to come down from that. Wishing I could just forget it and move on. But my heart hurts. I hate the chaos. I hate that my boys have to experience it. I hate that I have to experience it, morning after morning after morning. I was not made for this. I was made for peace, not a veritable war each day.
A surprise war. I never know when it will start, just that it will. And when it does, sometimes my defences are down, and it overtakes me and I lose. Like this morning.
Hopefully I'll be stronger tomorrow.