Monday, May 26, 2014

Get up

I'm sitting here trying not to feel excessively sorry for myself but, I'm not doing a very good job.

It was another disastrous drop off at school this morning. My daughter did NOT want to go to school and there was nothing I could say or do that would change her mind. I carried her and her paraphernalia out to the car. And then did the same into the school, where I put her down and she cried. And she cried. And she cried.

One mom walked by and chuckled at her, because she thought it was so cute... you can imagine the words I wanted to say to her.

And then I left her sitting beside her aide. She was still crying. I walked out the school door, her cries ringing in my ears.

Despite years of practice, these types of days wring all the energy right out of me. I come home, demoralized and exhausted and very distracted. I need to be able to just shake it off. Get on with my day. But I can't.

Instead of getting some schoolwork done... which I really, really, really need to do... I will likely wander around the house aimlessly. Numb. Trying not to break down.

Thinking about the counselling session Brian and I have this afternoon. I hate that my family needs counselling.

Thinking about the meeting I have on Thursday with the money people who get to decide what services we get. I hate that my family needs "services."

Thinking about the other two meetings we have coming up at the school for Finleigh. I am done with school meetings.

Thinking about the meeting I want to go to today, but because of my poor planning and oversight, I have to miss. I know that no matter what I do, someone will be let down by me today.

Thinking about the meeting we had with the specialist on Thursday, where he told us we were too focused on her diagnosis and should just see Finleigh for Finleigh. We saw his point, but it didn't ring true.

Thinking about all the really great things I have to be thankful for that just seem to get overshadowed by this one crappy thing. The 15 minutes of humiliation because I cannot - no matter how hard I try - control my child.

And that is the crux of it. No matter how much control I try to exert in other parts of my life, her behaviours - this crappy SMS life - overshadow all of it. And here I sit, feeling like a failure. A great, big, fat failure - in more than one sense of the word - playing the victim.

But I need to overcome that mentality. Life dealt me a load of crap, yes. But it also dealt me a lot of really, really great stuff too. And while every single part of me just wants to give up right now, curl up in a ball and give up, I cannot. I am not a victim and I guess I'm the only one who can chose how I respond to the things that happen around me.

So, now that I've got that off my chest, I will get up, brush myself off, and get on with my day. Probably still a little bit numb, still stinging, but I'll move on. That's about all I can do.


  1. ya. I'd love to see that guy live in your house and then just see Finleigh for Finleigh. What does that even mean?

    And I know this won't help but you aren't a big fat failure. You are beautiful and amazing and I love you.

  2. Know this: when I am out and I see a child wildly crying or unable to settle down, I think of you and your struggles and my initial irritation softens with compassion.
    Um, yeah, Finleigh for Finleigh? Such brilliant advice, doh.