me

I'm writing this post for me this morning. I actually write all posts for me, but this morning I want to be able to go back and remember this because it tells me something about myself. Something that I think is important to remember. Something that tells me that while I'm ultimately responsible for how I respond to things, my situation really is having an impact on who and how I am.

Last night, Finleigh woke up somewhere around midnight. She'd gone to bed at about 8pm, but didn't fall asleep until 9. She was now wide awake. And I mean WIDE awake. I stayed with her until 1am, trying to lull her into a sleepy state but finally gave up when she asked me to go back to my bed.

Nearly asleep, I left her room and as I was walking down the hallway to my room, she turned on her bedroom light, closed her door and exclaimed to herself, "YES!"

It was cute, even for 1 o'clock in the morning.

Once I got to bed, I tried to stay awake until she fell asleep, but I quickly failed. I remember waking up for quick snippets and hearing a very frustrated husband, but mostly I slept. After I hit my snooze button for the 5th time, my husband filled me in on how his night went. He said something about Finleigh not falling asleep until about...4:30am? Something like that, anyways. It might have been 5. But she was asleep now, so I got out of bed, leaving Brian and Finleigh (who was snuggled into Brian's arm) to sleep.

Downstairs, I packed the kids' lunches while my boys got themselves some breakfast and had some input into what I packed. We chatted a bit. Then they headed out the door, got on their bikes, and went to school.

It was as simple as that. No yelling. No repeated reminders to get dressed. No ducking punches to brush knotty hair. Nothing thrown. No TV, computer, or iPod screens on. Just a peaceful and reasonable morning.

And now?

Now, I feel almost like myself. My head is clear. And yes, I'm tired... but I don't feel drained. I feel like I could do almost anything today. What a difference.

This morning made me realize that I would have been a different person had we not been dropped into this life that we have. I would have been calmer. I wouldn't be so exhausted. These episodes with Finleigh really do have a huge impact on me. They really do drain me, no matter how cavalier I try to be about them. No matter how often they happen (which is multiple times every single day), I don't get used to them. I detach myself from them, but they still hurt.

And I'm not exaggerating when I say that our family is living in survival mode.

It's possible that lots of people could handle this situation better than I am, but I can't allow myself to feel guilty for not doing all those things I'd like to do. Or should do. Or whatever.

It is what it is and I really have to remember that I'm doing the best I can. It may take me longer to get where I want to be and I may not even get there, but I could have. Of that I am sure. So I'll give myself a little grace and be thankful for this peaceful morning that I got to experience and try not to dwell on what could have been.