I took a pill. I'm calming down. I'm starting to think straight again.
Every once in a while I have a little mental crisis about where I am in my life. What I'm doing. What I've accomplished. Who I am. blah blah blah. As a former overachiever, I think this is to be expected. But my breathing started going and I started shaking and feeling that I NEED to do something right NOW. I started panicking. I don't know what, but something HAD TO HAPPEN NOW! And tears were threatening.
Here's how it started:
I saw the statistic again flash by on my Facebook feed about stress levels of caregivers of autistic children and combat veterans having the same level of stress.
"See," I say to myself, "Give yourself a break."
And I do. I really do. But there are just some things that I want to deal with that I don't want to live with, even if they are caused by this stress. There's got to be a way to fix those big things even though they seem insurmountable right now. And then the insurmountability got to me and I started to crumble.
But I caught it and now my pill is making me dozy, meaning that I will likely not get much done today toward my goals that I've set. It's okay though, because my body is beginning to relax and I'm not panicking any more. And that is worth more than anything that I could be accomplishing.
How I deeply wish I had the drive to be able to overcome these damned emotions. It makes me feel weak and lazy because I'm not doing the work I'd planned to do. I'm NOT weak and lazy, because I'm still functioning right now. Because I trampled on that anxiety and didn't let it take hold. That takes work and a shitload of energy (and my pill). But now in the aftermath, my plans of productivity that will one day take me to my goal are on hold.
But I am calm and I feel more relaxed than I have in awhile. And those insurmountable things will be dealt with slowly. In small steps.
Too slowly if you ask me. But a step ahead is better than no steps ahead.
What stresses me out?
- having too much to do
- not reaching my goals
- feeling like I've not accomplished anything
- when my kids are sick or not doing well in school
- when friends and family are in crisis
- when I'm not doing my best.
- when I feel like I'm living in chaos
- when my daughter loses it. when she doesn't cooperate
- when I'm tired
- feeling like I'm wasting time
So I walk this balance of self-preservation and mental health. Do enough to make me feel like I'm accomplishing something, but not enough to feel that I'm going to break down.
I'm not enjoying being limited by my body and my mind. But there it is. I am.
Now I shall take a nap.