Thursday, February 11, 2016

Should vs Want

I'm sitting here at the intersection of should and want. And really, want has a fork in the road. While should and want seem like opposites and enemies - going in completely different directions - the should actually lines up very well with the want. They run parallel, dependent on one another.

But the wants. Yes, there are two. The wants run in completely different directions from each other. And that, I suppose, is the problem. That, and the issue of inertia. Well, inertia and habit. But let us focus on one problem at a time.

There is the want with the desire for freedom from rules and responsibility. The want that has me shirking the should, running as far away from it as I possibly can. The want that ignores consequences. The want that cannot seem to look past the end of its nose. This want, and the fact that it seems to be winning, has me looking in the mirror, barely able to recognize myself. And the more that this want wins, the harder it is to ignore it. This want, combined with inertia and habit, weigh me down like an anvil placed on the middle of my chest as I'm lying down. Like shackles as I walk. Like rocks in my pocket. This want has me hiding from reality and lying to myself.

Enter should/want. Oh, how I hate should. Should makes me want to run away. Should awakens the quietly sleeping rebel in my soul. Should sucks out every ounce of energy I seem to be able to muster in a day. But without the should there is no greater want. The want that has ambition and hope for the future. The want that wakes me up the morning and keeps me moving through the day. This want is a desire for better, for self-actualization, for health, for success. This want haunts me everyday. I cannot shake it. It gets quiet for a while, that want. Sometimes it seems to disappear as I reason it away, succumbing to the gravity of the other want. But it's always there when I wake up in the morning. When I go to bed at night. In my more lucid, energetic moments, that want is strong and loud.

Until it's not.

And the biggest problem is that the greater want. The actual want, that I really do truly want, only comes with the should. That damned should that I so deeply want to avoid. That should that piles up and gets bigger and bigger so that it becomes overwhelming. That should I take in bits and pieces every day. Because really, I don't avoid the should, I just can't seem to do all that the should requires. So I take the most pressing part of the should and the rest? Well, the rest succumbs to the want. Not the greater want. No, the rebellious and tired want. 

It's a problem. And I'm truly not sure which want is going to win.

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