Tired

I'm not just tired, I'm exhausted.

I'm tired of being limited because of SMS. I'm tired of not being able to head downtown with the kids for a couple hours because someone loses her crap within 10 minutes of leaving the car. I'm tired of having to carry my kid out of the grocery store because the cashier offered her a goddamned sticker. I'm tired of not having my bedroom to myself because she'll wander around the house at night and I wake up with a little certain someone in my bed almost every single morning. I'm tired of not being able to keep my toiletries in the bathroom. I'm tired of the fight we seem to have to have to do every single little thing. 

I'm tired of not being able to leave my kids home alone. My oldest can babysit, my youngest is 9. My two oldest can stay home alone, but leaving the three of them together turns into all out chaos. We can't hire a typical teenaged babysitter because we need someone "trained" to handle Finleigh if she gets upset. And so now, instead of being able to go out with my husband for a nice dinner - or go for a walk on the trails, or shower, or do yoga, or work on my computer, or any other thing that most people (expect parents of babies, toddlers or special needs kids) can do on their own - I'm stuck at home. Improvising or trying to find a way to make it work with the whole family... which almost never works out. Ever.

We are 9 hours away from home right now. Brian will likely have to go back up to work for a week or two until the end of the month when our rental here runs out. Aside from a few hours of respite and some dates Brian had with Finleigh, we've been together. I can't relax when she's around or get anything productive or meaningful done. I don't know what she'll do. She has a tantrum or she freaks out or gets into crap or walks out the front door on a very regular basis. I watch a TV show and she gets quiet, I walk into the room that she was in to a mess of something. Pee on the floor or 20 bandaids unwrapped and stuck to something (both of those happened in one day). Plus, with things out of the norm, it's helpful for her to have some extra attention.

So, I thought perhaps it would be beneficial to find some help. Some respite. We're supposed to have 30 hours per month... more when school's not in. I called the government agency. It took her 5 minutes to get what I was trying to say. She didn't even give me a change to ask my question before she went into her condescending little speech full of information I already knew. And have known for a great many years... given that I deal with this system all the time. Of course, the number I was given was for the wrong area, so she had to call me back with the right number. But I'm done. I'm tired. I don't think that even if there is someone in this town that can help us, we'll get what we need. Not sure I'll bother calling, I'll just suck it up. Chained to this beautiful house (that I'm am so very grateful for and has an amazing view, but is surrounded by places and restaurants that I want to go to and explore, but can't). Just because 10 years ago, my husband and I decided we wanted a third child. 

I'm tired. 

Whiney? Yes, 100%. Ungrateful, ya, probably a little. 

But exhaustion tends to take away perspective. And today, I could not care less about how lucky I am or all the wonderful things I have or how many people have it worse (because I KNOW that's in the billions). But dammit, I'm so tired of this life sometimes. 

So tired.