Tuesday, February 2, 2010

A self pitying post if there ever was one. I'll be better tomorrow.

Okay, so I know that I've got it good.  Over all, I'm very lucky.  My country hasn't been ravaged by natural disaster.  My loved ones are all still alive and healthy.  We have healthy food in our tummies, nice clothes on our backs, a roof over our head.  I am safe and have no reason to complain.  But sometimes life gets to be too much and sometimes we have to rant.  So this is what this is.  Don't read it if you don't want to hear me complain and like the title says, I'll probably be better tomorrow.

I'm tired.  And I'm frustrated.  I'm cold.  I'm weary.  And I'm done.

Tired because I don't go to bed when I should.  It's my own fault, but I so crave that quiet "me" time.  I just can't bare to go to bed and waste it.

I'm frustrated.  For a million and a half reasons.

My son is doing horribly in school.  He's scared of everything.  I can't get ahold of the local child psychologist to see if she'll even see him.  His attitude sucks.  He thinks he's smarter than I am.  The list goes on, but I will stop there.

My daughter's life is pretty much one tantrum after another.  I look at her the wrong way, she falls on the floor crying.  I give her a second cookie, she throws it on the floor and looks at me like I just hit her or something.  She screams when I put her to bed.  She screams when I read her a book.  She screams when I wash her hair, put on her pajamas, put on her coat or sing to her.  She's inconsistant as hell with me because sometimes she doesn't scream.  TV is about the only thing that helps and even that is hit and miss.  Thank God for Dora, Blues Clues and Mickey Mouse.  She's still not talking.  Oh sure, she's making 2 syllable sounds and making progress, but I just want her to talk, dammit.

I have contact dermatitis.  Or so the dermatologist thinks.  It was almost gone, but it's back, raging.  I don't have a clue what's caused it.  But it's itchy and ugly and makes my eyelids look like a 60 year old woman's and my neck like it's got a permanent hickey.  A really big, ugly hickey. I've had it for more than 2 months now and I just want it to go away.  I'm also getting chest pains that are apparently caused by gas.  So, per my doc's suggestion I've given up (or am trying to) most of my foodly pleasures (wine, COFFEE, POP, chocolate).  I'm doing my best to watch that I don't overfill my stomach.  I'm taking drugs to help the gas.  And it's better, but not gone.  I exercise everyday.  I will probably have to go on a cleanse soon and cut out anything else that's worth eating to figure this out. This sucks cuz I feel like crap.  Crappity-crap-crap.  And I think there might be more going on here that just plain old gas.  Oh ya, and I had a small cavity filled in August and the tooth has bothered me ever since.  I had a root canal last month which took away the pain, but I can still feel it and now I'm getting a crown put on it tomorrow.  Which is very expensive and not fully covered by my dental plan but if I don't get it, my tooth could crack.  And I now hate going to the dentist.

I'm cold because my stupid furnace only works intermittently.  And the furnace guy doesn't know what's wrong.  I could manually go and start it, but that freaks me out.  So I'll sit here in 14 C and freeze my butt off.  Also, I can only partially feel my toes.

I'm weary cuz I don't want to do this anymore.  I used to love being a mom, but now I'm just weary.  My kids are sucking the life right out of me.  I love them more than life itself, but it's too much.  One day. I just want one happy day with my kids.  Just one.

Also, I would like to be able to buy closet doors for my tall closet in this town without paying a fortune or being told that I'm stupid.

Thankfully, I have my husband.  He is my rock.  He's working 12 hours today and I miss him.

Huh, I feel a little better now.  So, I guess I'm not so done.  But I still just really, really, really want a cup of coffee.  And I can't stop itching my neck.


  1. no words of wisdom for you honey...just virtual hugs

  2. you know I understand.

    wish I didn't.

    But I do.

    And I love you.

  3. Hugs. That is a lot of Crap-with-a-capital-C to be dealing with right now. Sorry.

  4. It's never easy to admit things aren't perfect, because they never are. Hang in there, I'm sure tomorrow will be a better day.

    I love you Mandy.

    xo, Kerry

  5. 培養健全孩子最好的方法是父母先成為健全的人。.........................

  6. I agree with coolcool654...
    Stupid spam!

    Nope, just wanted to say its nice to hear honesty - and if you don't feel better yet today, thats okay too. (But I hope you do)

  7. Came upon your blog via 5 MFSN
    I hope you are feeling better today. Some days are just rougher than others. I can relate to the staying up later thing..i also crave just some quiet ole me time.