Me and my mind

My biggest obstacle to overcome in this whole endeavor to lose weight - and keep it off - is my mind.  It is not the cravings, it is not the calorie counting, it is not finding the time to exercise.  It's controlling my thoughts and keeping myself in a "can do" mindset, for lack of a better expression.

I'm supposed to be training for a 10K.  Some girlfriends and I were talking about doing one on Mother's Day.  I haven't heard anything from them about it and haven't asked and since it's only a week and a half away, I'm not sure we're actually doing it.  But, I've been trying to prepare for it anyways, you know, just incase.  I could phone them and find out what's going on, but obviously I don't really want to.

Or something.

I hit a wall yesterday, which ruined my entire day.  There's something about running when sometime in there you have to decide you're going to just do it, even though it totally sucks. And you're body says "STOP!"  That's when I've found that I need to do this little argument in my head.  The last couple weeks, I've managed to keep running.  I imagine a string or something pulling me up.  I straighten my back and somehow, I'm lighter.  And I can keep going.  I've been rocking it, on my monster of a treadmill.  I've ran more in the past couple weeks than I have... well... ever.

Yesterday though, no matter how hard I dug, I couldn't get there.  I still ran more than I could have imagined a year ago, but it wasn't enough to keep me on my training schedule.

Now let's be clear, I know that I don't have to be able to run a 10K to lose weight.  I don't have to run at all to lose and maintain weight.  To be healthy.  But in my head, if I can be a runner.  If I can run a 5K or a 10K on a regular basis without feeling like I'm going to die, then I've made it.  Then I'm in shape.  Being a runner has eluded me my whole life and I want to be one.  Besides, its a quick, efficient way to earn AP's.

So back to yesterday.  Not finishing my run yesterday left me feeling defeated.  It ran into my entire day.  Finleigh's skin has been acting really weird lately and I let that really upset me.  Then I had to go to the school for the last 30 min of Finn and Nate's day to do some sort of parent involvement thing, which led to a total meltdown of epic proportions by my little blond headed daughter, which led to utter humiliation that I don't usually let get to me, but I did yesterday.  Then I ate 6 cookies at lunch - with added icing on them and stopped counting for the day.  Brian was gone yesterday helping with a thing for Willem at school (I'll talk more about that in another post) and when I'd talked to him in the morning about it, it wasn't going very well, and that got me feeling hopeless about Will's schooling.

So, it was a bad day.  It didn't need to be, but it was.

Today, after dropping off the kids at school, I took a walk around the block in the sunshine to try to clear my head.  And now, here I sit in my workout clothes, stereo blasting one of my favorite songs over and over again and my chest tight with anticipation.  I'm going to run 2 miles today.  I hope.  I don't want to run, but I must.  I must, if only to prove to myself that I can.  I must, so that I can get out of this crappy, negative headspace that I want to wallow in.  I must because I like what running does to my body.  I must because I'm out of flex points for the week and this is the easiest way to stay within my points.

So, off I go...

* UPDATE: I did it.  I ran the 2 miles + 1/2 mile more.  Take that brain.  Take that!