Monday

Gosh, I'm tired.  Not so much physically tired, but mentally tired and emotionally tired.  The silly thing is that I've not really been doing anything.

I suppose that could be the problem.

There are so many things I want to do and a few things I NEED to do.  I'm behind in every way possible.  I look around my house, see what needs doing and sigh.  I manage to get a few things done, but it doesn't seem to make a difference.  The undone things still outweigh my accomplishments - such that they are.

And then I try to interact with my daughter with little success leaving me to feel like such a neglectful and bad mother.  I used to be such a good mom.  I'd take time everyday to play with my children.  I'd have activities planned.  It would be good.  Now, I sit at a distance and watch to make sure she doesn't hurt herself or destroy something.  That seems to be my role.  I'm here for hugs.  I'm here for smiles.  But I don't get to play or teach and that makes me sad - and emotionally tired, I suppose.

I didn't get her potty trained this summer.  That was my only goal and I didn't even attempt it.  I've also not got anything planned for Willem and school.  I've been told I'll likely have to help the teacher with enrichment and so I need to get on that.  Two weeks until school starts and I have nothing.  Not sensory tools to keep him quiet in class.  Not enrichment ideas or activities.  I've not even started the reading I wanted to have done before I met with the teacher.  My stomach is in knots just thinking about it.

Don't even get me started talking about my weight!  It's out of control and I'm in real trouble.  Something's gotta change and fast.

The underlying stress doesn't ever go away.  I am continually doing scatterbrained things - which I hate.  I'm constantly amazed at the physical toll it's taking on my body.  My digestion is off.  My breathing is difficult.  I get aches and pains.  The doctor tells me I'm healthy, therefore it must be stress/anxiety/depression.  I keep waiting for it to get better, but it never does.  I can't even relax enough to watch a movie.  What the heck????  So, now I'm in counseling.  I can't tell you how much that irks me.  I hate it too.  How do I feel?  What am I feeling in my body?  Gah.  I. Hate. It.  But there's obviously something to it and I want to get past this so I carry on.  Not to mention that I have to go as long as Will is seeing her.

Now I'm getting whiny, so I will stop.  This post is much longer than I'd planned (I was just going to tell you I was tired).  Things that need to get done will get done.  They always do.  But I still wish I could be a supermom.