As I type, it's 4:30 am and I've been up for an hour. Somebody woke me up and after a while of trying to get Miss Finn to sleep, we came downstairs looking for anything that might settle her down.
I woke up nauseated, probably from only getting 3 hours of sleep after decorating a birthday cake (aka consuming almost as much icing as is on the cake). That nausea had me terrified that we were all getting a stomach flu on the eve of heading to the big city for our long awaited appointment, a fear that seemed to be supported by Finn's slightly odd behavior.
My little blond angel seems to be just fine now though thanks to a little snack, her Leapster and the TV. Now if only I could get her back to sleep...
We're heading down the highway in just a few hours and there's still a few things to get done before we leave. The anticipation for this long awaited appointment is palpable and since it's going to mean pulling the kids out of school for a week, it feels like a really big deal. I want to be prepared, so I've been running around like a crazy person to get everything done while Brian has worked 12 hour shifts the last 4 days. I think this has helped the strep try to rear it's ugly head again.... I and my trusty antibiotics are fighting it though. If only I could rest. I am exhausted and don't anticipate getting a proper sleep anytime soon.
I also want things to go perfectly, a desire which I need to let go of because I know I can't control that and traveling always adds a few more uncontrollable factors that usually result in less than perfect moments. Like lack of sleep. Like germy public washrooms. Like loss of routine. So I will settle for none of us throwing up on the days of the appointments. I can't stop worrying about what would happen if Finn's really sick and can't really attend the appointment. How long will it be until they could get us in again?
And then there's the disappointment of Finn's birthday cake. I'm not unhappy with it. It's fine. And when she went into the fridge just now to find something to eat and saw it, she got really excited. She'll love it because it has things that she likes; like purple and butterflies and chocolate and sugar. But I didn't get that excited feeling I usually get when I decorate my cakes. I get a certain pleasure from creating something beautiful for my children once a year since we don't go all out and do big parties or buy big extravagant presents. And plus, the cake is also for my sister who's birthday was 2 days ago. But I must cut myself a break given all the sickness and busy-ness we've had. Like I said, she loves it and that's what's important.
So now, as I listen to Caillou on the TV and Tad singing "The Alphabet Song" on the Leapster and Dora singing "Happy Birthday" on the musical card Finn got from her grandparents - all at the same time - and then chase Finleigh to the fridge to make sure she doesn't put her hand in her cake I'll be grateful that Brian is driving in the morning and that I won't have to do any of this on my own.