Monday, July 15, 2013

A long road... and an incredibly personal post

I am tired. I am so, so, so tired. It's not the SMS that's the problem, it's these anti-depressants my doctor has put me on last week. They have wiped me out. I am also on anti-anxiety meds. I wish my body would make up its mind. Do I have anxiety? Do I have depression? Because, I'm quite frankly sick of both.

I came across some journal entries from a few years ago. Some of what I read, I could have easily written today. Here are some shameless over sharing excerpts...

I am a bundle of nerves.  My stomach hurts.  I am a mess.  And I’m scared I’m going to fall apart.  I did everything I could so I could go to bed with Brian tonight at 11, but I just couldn’t relax.  So, I came down, turned on the waterscapes and am now writing to try to get some of my thoughts out.  Maybe then I can fall asleep?
Tonight I’m worried about Finleigh.  She’s not slept through the night in a while now…either waking up to throw up or just to cry and cry and  yell and scream until someone comes for her.  I’m exhausted from it 
I feel like a failure.  As though I’m failing my daughter.  She continues to get sick.  She apparently has fluid in her ears and while the audiologist doesn’t see redness in there, she might just be in pain.  Something that wouldn’t really surprise me.  How could I let this happen to her and not catch it right away???  And she bangs her mouth against everything.  I hate to see it.  And she throws the mother of all tantrums.  I feel lost.  And I feel like I’m not doing enough for her.  Or Nate.  Or Will.  And I’m all knotted up inside.     
There, I got a full breath of air in.  Breathe.  Breathe.  Dear God, please help me even though I’m failing to help myself.  Breathe… 
I want this knot to go away in my stomach.  Why won’t it go away?  I want to stop worrying.  I want to enjoy the present in my life.  I don’t want to worry about tomorrow.  I don’t remember always being this way…but I have a feeling I’ve had times in my life that I have been.  Which I suppose is good because it’ll mean that this will end.   But when?  
I’m strong.  I’m intelligent.  I’m mostly rational.  
I’m weak.  I scatterbrained.  I’m emotional to a fault.  I’m lumpy and bumpy with oversized pores and more stretchmarks than I can count. 
But I’m still smart.  Why am I allowing myself to feel this way?  I can’t really help it.   I can't force myself to relax.  Or stop worrying.  I’d much rather be in bed with my husband right now.

I have no idea what’s wrong with me.  But there is something wrong.  Not being able to get full breaths of air, pounding heart.  Tightness in my chest.  Can’t sleep.  Diarrhea.  Stuff I can’t prove.  It’s like my own personal hell.  Up until now, it’s just been in the evenings.  But today it started this morning and hasn’t stopped since. 
What do I have?  Heart problems?  Anxiety?  Cancer?  A food intolerance?  Indigestion?  I’m FREAKING OUT!!!  Scared to death I’ll drop dead in the middle of the house and leave my little children alone to fend for themselves.  I’m fighting being paralyzed by just putting one foot in front of the other and trying to get things done.  Trying to show my kids how much I love them.  Trying to prepare Willem for an emergency without scaring him.

I can’t stand this.  And I don’t know who to talk to.  I don’t want to sound whiney or weird.  Who can I talk to? 
I go between thinking this is all in my head to thinking there must be something mortally wrong with me and wondering what will happen to my family when I’m gone. 
I’m messed up. 
Oh God, please help me! 
And no, now that I’ve gotten that out, I don’t feel any better.

It’s 2:52am.  Okay, if this is anxiety, what could be bothering me?  What is up with me?  I feel very tempted to go to the ER and see what’s wrong.  Only to have them send me home, I’m sure. 
So, what makes me upset?  What is bothering me?  Is it Finleigh?  Is it the fear that she’ll never be normal?  Her tantrums.  Her little finger that looks horribly infected?  Is it Nate and the fear of screwing him up while he’s young?  Ignoring him?  Is it Will and being scared of losing him to bitterness and boredom.  That he’ll never make his potential?  Is it guilt?  That my house is a mess,, that I don’t read enough to my kids.  Do I feel unfulfilled, have I not done enough with my life?  This is the life I’ve always wanted, isn’t it?  Being a stay at home mom? 
I just want a reason for this.  Even bad news would be a relief.  Anything would be better than this wondering.  
Dear God.  I NEED help.  Help me please, please, please.  Help me please.  Oh how I need your help.  
I told Brian everything today.  I think I’ve scared him.  I feel horrible for that.  I’d rather he not worry, but I need his strength right now.  It’s cold down here.  I should go back to bed, but I’l l just drive myself crazy.  I needed to come down here and think this out.
I just want to sleep.  An d clean my house.  And pack for our trip. 
Breathe.  I’m trying to breathe. 
I think I’m calming down.  My chest still feels tight, but I think my heart is slowing down.   
Or not!!! 
Why can’t I just ignore this?  Just relax and ignore this.  Why can’t I? 
I NEED to do something about this.  It doesn’t seem to be going away…just getting worse.  Is this mental? It just feels so physiological.

And... end depressing journal excerpts.

Four years later, after a few reprieves from these symptoms, I have finally gotten help. It had gotten so bad that I could no longer run or bike or exercise, my chest would squeeze up and my heart would race at a ridiculous pace. It is scary and makes me reticent to run, forgoing the endorphins that I love so much after a good run.

We'll see how these work. I'm feeling glimpses of normal now and then, but I'm not there yet.


  1. If only we could all be so brave to talk about how we really feel. There is so much pressure to be super-mom, super-wife, super-woman. It is so hard to be everything to everybody, but you have to take care of yourself and I'm so glad you're doing that.

    Even though I'm far away, please know that I love you and support you and admire you. You have strength, beauty, wisdom and faith. You also have a loving and supportive husband and family - lean on them, that's what they are there for.

    I hope things get better.

  2. I think I held my breath through that whole post....ive been there, right there...still am some days. its taken years but changes are happening...good ones. let the meds do their job, it takes a little while. some days there is just not enough bravery to go you have to borrow it from somewhere are heading to a good place, just hang in there. Al x

    1. Thank you Allison. It's good to know I'm not alone.

  3. Well...I just spent the afternoon reading your blog. Amanda, I am so proud to be follower. Never be afraid to just let it all out. I have spent the past 3 1/2 years struggling through one medical issue after another. This all just appeared out of the blue since I was always a super healthy fit veggie organic kind of mom. It totally freaked me out. I worried about myself. I worried about my family. I worried about the dog. I worried about money. I worried about worrying too much! I've been where you are. Life can be tough. It throws us curves. But it also surprises us with beauty. Not only are you doing an awesome job but you are cute as a button. Love you!

    1. Connie. Yes. I worry too much too. I'm getting better, I think, than I was a few years ago, but still. I worry. Thank you for your kind comment. Life is beautiful and hard all at the same time. It's a strange dichotomy. I hope you're doing better now health wise.