Saturday, July 20, 2013

Two parts of myself

We got to the hotel after a wonderful visit with college friends. It had been years since we'd seen them, but some how we picked right up. She was in my wedding party. I was in hers. There are few people who I feel like I can truly be myself with... this is one of them.

Something about living in a dorm together, I think. All those walls that keep us from forming deep relationships come down.

We joked around. We had a lot of fun. Or at least I did.

We swore we wouldn't wait so long next time. I do plan to keep that promise.

But then, when we'd gotten to the hotel we'd booked, our room had been sold to someone else. Our friends live an hour away from the big city, in the opposite direction of home, so we scrambled to find a hotel room that could fit 5 of us. It's harder than one might think.

So, we found ourselves in a lovely hotel and after the kids had settled, I headed into the bathroom for a nice, long, hot shower.

That's when the stress of the day came crashing down onto my chest. Our appointments at the hospital. Our visit with friends. Our rush to finding another place to sleep. I had handled it all calmly and intelligently. I smiled through the day. I cracked jokes with my friends. I was the calm one when the hotel plan fell through. Then when I was supposed to be relaxing, my chest tightened. My breathing became strained. I felt defeated. I felt hypocritical. And I felt frustrated.

I just wanted to relax. That's all. Instead, I was more tense than I'd been all day.

It didn't matter how long I sat there, my chest just kept feeling tighter.

And that's me. I hold it together when people are around. It often doesn't even feel like effort. I'm just being me. And then I find myself alone and I fall apart.

The irony was not lost on me earlier this week when in the same day (inadvertently), I posted my personal depression/anxiety/stress post and then my happy, peppy Shiny T Tuesday post. Does one negate the other?

They're both who I am. Both completely authentic. Neither putting on a front. Neither trying to be falsely positive or looking for compliments. Just my thoughts, as my moods swing up, then down, and then up again.

These meds have made it easier to function in public again. Easier to function, period - even if I am still on the tired side. There are days I even think I could run again. Or get back to yoga. But, the most distressing parts, the times that I'm alone, they've only slightly touched that.

I know, I know. They take time to work. But what I wouldn't give to just be able to relax...


  1. You'll get there. BTW...I've been thru this, too. If you ever just want to chat, send me an email and I'll give you my phone number. I actually used to put on a happy face for my doctor so he wouldn't know how stressed out I was. Kind of defeats the purpose. But I couldn't help it. I've always been the one to keep the boat afloat and I just couldn't let my guard down except for when I was alone. Honestly, one day you'll wake up and you'll feel like your old self. You will.

    1. Connie, that's so funny. Last month, I was sitting in the doctor's office, tears running down my face, taking deep breaths, trying to calm myself down. I managed to get the tears under control just before he walked into the exam room. How are you doing? he asked. Good, thanks... was my reply. Seriously. I go in for stress and then I can't show it. Who does that? We do apparently.