I'm home. For awhile now.
It was a relief to be home - despite it being a good time away. Home, where I wasn't worried about Finleigh ruining other people's things. Where we have safeties in place to make sure she doesn't hurt herself. Where we'll typically know if she get's out of the house and tries to go on an adventure. Where we can relax, just a little bit.
Still. During our time away, we found complete acceptance. And no judgement. And that made it good. Time with people we love.
Now, we are gearing up for school. It starts in two days.
I'm not sure I feel quite ready for it... even though it will be nice to have my days to myself again... where I can concentrate on school. I'm not sure why I'm feeling torn this year. It's strange. We have things set up really well for Finleigh. She has an aide we love. She has a teacher we know and have confidence in. Funding came through for another year of speech/OT/PT/behaviour. She'll be in full days... no more picking her up an hour before the boys. She'll get to eat lunch with her peers - something I think she'll love.
It is perhaps for the boys I feel anxious. I know how school feels like drudgery to them. And how few friends they have (something I can't help but take a little responsibility for). And I'm not sure that I can take phone calls from the school again this year about my oldest. And his behaviour. And refusal to work. And his outbursts. I feel completely out of control when it comes to him. And I have growing doubts as to whether they are being parented adequately. Are they being ignored too much? Between my own personal goals and their sister who demands so much time from me... am I doing enough? Many days it does not feel like it.
Or perhaps its because I know my excuses will be gone and I will have to really hunker down and get these assignments done in order to finish on time.
Or maybe its just the general numbness I feel about all aspects of my life these days. My hesitance to feel excited about anything lest something fall through and I'm disappointed. Not that I expect the school to fall through, but sending my children to school is not a worry free exercise for me. It takes work. And involvement. And playing the politics to make sure the staff are happy to work with my children. It's stressful.
But I'm home. Safe and sound.
There is that.