I am torn right now. Torn about what to do. Or not do.
And so I sit… in a half paralysis. Debating with myself.
Nothing is especially important or life altering. It's simple, daily household stuff. Things that used to be easy. That didn't take this internal struggle. That I would just naturally do.
But now? Well, once I get started at something, it becomes a struggle, because my precious daughter wants to help. Which will be lovely until she loses patience and then throws something or goes on a 5 minute rampage and then I have to decide… do I stop what I'm doing to limit damage? Or do I keep doing what I'm doing and ignore her? Leaving the mess to clean up until later.
The questions in my head.
And then there's the grocery store run that really should be done. So that my kids can have our traditional things. And so that I can maybe fit a little bit of baking in. Baking that used to consume weeks of my time. Cute sugar cookies, traditional cakes, yummy treats, and of course the gingerbread houses. Something I used to love to do. That my children cherished. That made Christmas feel special to me and connected me to my childhood.
But, by God… the thought of taking my daughter grocery shopping makes me want to wither into the ground. And the thought of being in the kitchen making any of those things makes me feel very tired.
There was a time when I didn't care. I'd grab all three of my children and we'd go. They might cry. They might drive me crazy, but it needed to be done, so I just did it. Now? Well… I just can't bring myself to do it. And the baking? Before, I'd happily wait until they went to bed and bake into the night. But now… that sounds about as fun as the grocery shop with a cranky Finleigh.
So instead, I'll stay in my house… all holed up, listening to the bickering and the whining alternating with TV shows and laughing and guitar sounds coming from the basement. Looking outside at the brilliant blue sky longingly… and yet hugely relieved to be inside because the weather station tells me that it feels like -46 degrees Celsius outside (that's -50.8 for my fahrenheit reading friends). And as tough of a Northern Canadian girl that I like to fancy myself to be… that's just friggin' cold.