Monday, February 16, 2009


My weight is up this week. And I'm having a hard time caring enough to do anything about it...if I'm honest with you. I feel like life is just piling on top of my head and that right now takes precedence.

My husband's job situation isn't going very well right now and I'm personally afraid for his job. Everyday when he leaves for work, I worry that he's going to come home without one...all over personality conflicts?!?! It's hard being a stay-at-home wife. I'm completely helpless in this situation. My 6 year old is having behavioural issues at school and at home too. Anyone who thinks a gifted child is easy to raise hasn't had one. Most days I worry more about Will's future than Finn's. On days like today, I'm at my wit's end because I just don't know what to do. Nate is crying at the drop of a feather these days and is beginning to show some of Will's tendencies. Great...two of them. And they're fighting, a lot! Finn has entered a tantrum phase and who cold blame her really seeing as she still can't talk and communicate what she want or needs. You'd think that getting her off tubefeeding would make life easier...but somehow it's harder than ever. And please God, could we have ONE meal where half the food hasn't gone onto the floor and someone doesn't need a clothing change or hair wash??? Thankfully, at least, my adult relationships seem to be going okay. I'm even making friends (who live in the same town as me)...I think...I hope...but then, hoping makes it harder because if these friendships don't work out then what? At least when I wasn't trying to make friends, I didn't feel disappointment when it didn't work out.

So I'm stressed. Completely and utterly stressed out. My face is as broken out as it ever got when I was a teenager. I want to eat all the time. I can't stand the thought of getting on the treadmill (even though I know it'll help me feel better). I want to crawl under a rock and not come out. Ever.

And did I mention that my great aunt died the other day, on her husband's birthday? She was my grandma's twin sister and that breaks my heart. I couldn't go to the funeral because of the kids, but I wanted to.

And yes, I am freaking out that my weight is slowly creeping up and I'm not doing anything to fix it. It's on my mind constantly.

And that is as honest and raw as I'll ever be. No sugar coating. No looking at the bright side. Here's where I'm at. I'm sure I'll feel better soon, but this is how I feel today.

And that is that.


  1. I am sorry Manda. I love you and miss you and wish I could help. I am praying for you guys.

  2. poor thing. at least you can be honest here. i will be praying for you... and i hear you on the request for a meal that doesn't require clothes being changed or hair being washed! ugh.

    and you are right. if you ran for a little while you would feel better. our bodies are funny like that. but you would feel better because of the endorphins and other scientific stuff plus you would be proud of yourself! at the risk of sounding like Nike... Just Do It!

  3. aww honey, wish i could come over and give you a break for abit!!

    i promise you though that Natalie is right..just 10 minutes on the treadmill..10 minutes that are all about you, you need it honey, and you deserve it!!

    hope you give it to yourself:)

  4. Amanda, so sorry that you are feeling this down. Big hugs to you today!!

  5. my goodness, I'm sorry I didn't read this yesterday!!

    I'll tell you though- I feel A LOT like you do right now.

    I suppose it probably isn't the correct thing to do but I think you need to give yourself permission to relax about the weight thing a bit. Yes, you might gain a few pounds... but really, is that the end of the world? I mean honestly is your weight the thing you want to consume this much of your energy daily? I think for myself the more I obsess about something the more I feel like a failure the less likely I am to be successful because I am an emotional eater and if I feel like a complete loser and failure then I am just going to eat more and crawl under a rock and give up... so let yourself go for a bit. You have a lot going on right now and sometimes dealing with our kids is all we can deal with. And that is ok.

    I also want to tell you that Owen has totally picked up a LOT of Aiden's bad behaviour and it drives me crazy. They fight all the time. Owen is acting worse than Aiden some days. But from my "research" (aka hours online reading other mom's stories) I have discovered that that is just what the younger sibling does. They copy. The bad stuff too. And it doesn't mean they will stay like that forever. Please God let them not stay like that forever!!!

    And I would pay some good money to have a meal where everyone stayed clean.

    And I would ALSO pay some good money to keep my house clean longer than 8 minutes. We have people walking through our house constantly as we are trying to sell it and the pressure to keep it looking nice is making me twitch.

    And I'm sorry about Brian's job. Feel free to check out jobs in the Dryden area :)

    And I'm proud of you for getting out there and making friends. And you know what? You are a wonderful beautiful woman and those ladies are lucky to have you around. So there.

    I love you Amanda... and really, sometimes it truly amazes me how similar our lives are. :)