My weight is up this week. And I'm having a hard time caring enough to do anything about it...if I'm honest with you. I feel like life is just piling on top of my head and that right now takes precedence.
My husband's job situation isn't going very well right now and I'm personally afraid for his job. Everyday when he leaves for work, I worry that he's going to come home without one...all over personality conflicts?!?! It's hard being a stay-at-home wife. I'm completely helpless in this situation. My 6 year old is having behavioural issues at school and at home too. Anyone who thinks a gifted child is easy to raise hasn't had one. Most days I worry more about Will's future than Finn's. On days like today, I'm at my wit's end because I just don't know what to do. Nate is crying at the drop of a feather these days and is beginning to show some of Will's tendencies. Great...two of them. And they're fighting, a lot! Finn has entered a tantrum phase and who cold blame her really seeing as she still can't talk and communicate what she want or needs. You'd think that getting her off tubefeeding would make life easier...but somehow it's harder than ever. And please God, could we have ONE meal where half the food hasn't gone onto the floor and someone doesn't need a clothing change or hair wash??? Thankfully, at least, my adult relationships seem to be going okay. I'm even making friends (who live in the same town as me)...I think...I hope...but then, hoping makes it harder because if these friendships don't work out then what? At least when I wasn't trying to make friends, I didn't feel disappointment when it didn't work out.
So I'm stressed. Completely and utterly stressed out. My face is as broken out as it ever got when I was a teenager. I want to eat all the time. I can't stand the thought of getting on the treadmill (even though I know it'll help me feel better). I want to crawl under a rock and not come out. Ever.
And did I mention that my great aunt died the other day, on her husband's birthday? She was my grandma's twin sister and that breaks my heart. I couldn't go to the funeral because of the kids, but I wanted to.
And yes, I am freaking out that my weight is slowly creeping up and I'm not doing anything to fix it. It's on my mind constantly.
And that is as honest and raw as I'll ever be. No sugar coating. No looking at the bright side. Here's where I'm at. I'm sure I'll feel better soon, but this is how I feel today.
And that is that.