First the good news. While I don't want to speak too soon, I think I may be getting my grove back. I'm feeling better, I'm more relaxed, I'm happier. I'm actually wanting to do stuff again and I feel up to challenging myself again.
And then there's my eating.
It amazes me, the capacity I have for undoing all the hard work I've done in the past. Like it meant nothing. Like it doesn't matter to me. I dunno what I was thinking.
At all.
So, here I sit, many pounds away from where I was a few months ago and really uncomfortable in my clothes. I know what to do, I just have to do it. In my head, I waffle back and forth between really wanting to get back on track and then not caring. One minute I've decided to go back on WW's (because I KNOW it works for me) and the next minute I've talked myself out of it (because I know I don't want to count or whatever for the rest of my life. And what's the point of losing weight if you're going to just gain it all back when you don't want to do that 'diet' anymore? Ya, ya. Lifestyle change. That's the lingo, but I think it's largely semantics.). The minute after that? I'm stuffing some crap in my mouth.
I long for that feeling that I KNOW that I'm going to lose weight. I like that feeling. I like knowing exactly what I'm putting in my mouth and knowing what will happen to my waistline when I do. I like being in control.
And yet...I don't.
I've always said that I can't be really skinny because I like food too much. It dawned on me last night though, that it's not so much food that I like as the actual act of eating. Cuz I'll let you in on a little secret...not a lot of food tastes good to me these days. Most of the food I see, I could take or leave, but I keep finding myself eating. Almost compulsively even.
How the heck I'm going to fight this compulsion for the rest of my life is beyond me, but I've got to try. Right?
Which takes me back to the incredibly unoriginal name of this blog and how I lost 80+ pounds in the first place. One day at a time. Let's not worry about tomorrow and how we're gonna find the strength to get through, let's just get through today.
Until tomorrow...
ya, it's not so much the actual food for me either I think... but the eating itself. I am definitely an emotional eater.
ReplyDeleteYour insight is incredible. I know you are frustrated with your habits. I also know you can do ANYTHING you set your mind to my friend.
ReplyDeleteI so understand it is the same with me, apart from the amazing 80lb loss!! Be encouraged I think you are still looking great girl! And dido to margaret, You can do anything you set your mind too!!!
ReplyDeleteyou can do this girl. you can. you inspired me...
ReplyDeletei have to say that i have an addictive personalty so rather than completely change ME, i had to figure out a way to shift that addiction. i now actually can say that I love the feeling i get from working out and food is my fuel! when i eat good, i feel good... strong and healthy and then i sleep good and am able to find even more strength the next day.
i have to say i also had a major revelation when i realized that my WW journey could not be about measuring and making sure i was eating less 'crap' but about changing WHAT i was eating. I actually look forward to vegetables now (when i used to only eat green beans and corn...and then didn't even enjoy them!).
i think even more of my motivation to eat clean and cook healthy comes from my desire to have children that will NEVER have the need for a weight watcher's meeting! i want them to enjoy the healthy foods and activity. i want them to not crave all the CRAP foods that I find myself wanting. i want them to learn self control from my example (ouch... that one stings still). you get the idea.
anyway, you can do this.... you can. and for LIFE! i'll be here to cheer you on.