Wednesday, June 19, 2013


As I write this post, the blog is still currently offline. I'm basically blogging to myself. A dressed up journal, if you will. I have not decided if it is actually going to go online or not. I thought I'd start and see where it went. If I blogged often enough to make it worth while. If I had enough thoughts that I deemed worthy enough to make public. And also, if I had enough thoughts that I was okay with people seeing.

So, as an exercise to figure out if I did want to make this public again, I went back to the beginning of the blog and started reading. And I'm not finished yet - not sure that I will. Ugh. It really was terrible when it started. The mundane things I wrote about.

And I apologized a lot. Not that I said the word sorry, but I would say an opinion and then back away from it as if to say, if you disagree, then that's ok. I hate that about myself. And I was constantly writing lists about what I was going to do and the chores I had to do before I could do it. And I explained more than I needed to. And after I ranted, I then would say that it was all okay and I'll be better tomorrow. Ugh. I just wish I could have an opinion and stand by it. So I'm going to try to take my own notes and be less annoying to myself.

But one thing is for sure, I have enjoyed the posts about my kids. Whether anyone else is interested or not, what wonderful memories. Things I had forgotten. My kids were so little and sweet.

So, if you're reading this, then I decided to go back online. And go back online with everything intact. No going through and taking out the cringeworthy posts - as tempting as that is. That was me back then... or at least the me I chose to portray. Irritating or not, that's who I was.

Today we have our first respite. She hasn't cancelled yet. I am anxious. I don't know how to act. A person? Coming into my home? Doing stuff with my kid? And what am I supposed to do while she's here. I just don't know. And I'm fighting the urge to clean up. What kind of respite will if be if every time she comes over I am cleaning. That won't be helpful. Not helpful at all.

But my floor is sticky. And that is gross. 

I've been trying to get some outside help for a year now. It's finally here. And now I'm not sure I want it. The SMS diagnosis gave me the impetus to really push for it, otherwise we still would not have it. I'm pretty sure I need it. I'm pretty sure it will be good for all of us, including Finleigh. But its something new. And new things make me nervous. And I hate being nervous. Or anxious. Or feeling out of control.


  1. I'm so happy to see you back!

    I can relate to every thing you wrote here! We started respite two years ago and it has been life changing for all of us. It's so good for Gracie to get to be with other people and not just me. (Finn sounds a lot like Gracie!) It's so good for me to get to have some time off, and it's good for my son because there isn't as much stress in the house, and it's so good for my husband because he gets his wife back, a little. I could go on, but you get the point.

    It is hard to have people in your home. It's hard to trust them, and it's hard to not feel like they are judging you. I used to worry about my house, and what they would think of me and my family.

    Over time, it gets easier. Now, several of them have seen my house at it's worst, and they've seen me at my worst, and they've seen me argue with Caleb, who is now a teenager.

    A couple of our care givers have become like family and I can fully let go when they are with Gracie. I realized that I can't take care of Gracie on my own, not at the rate of which she needs care. It's constant, and never ending, and impossible to do on my own.

    Did I ever mention to you that Gracie was tested for SMS? I was convinced that she had that but the tests came back negative. It sounds so much like Gracie!

    Hugs, and I'm glad to see you back!

    1. I have been following you. I'm sorry I haven't commented more. This whole blogging thing is an interesting thing. Still trying to find the balance of what I want to share and what I don't. Funny that Gracie was tested for SMS. Our girls do have so many similarities. I'm glad to be back too. Hugs.